Jealousy and my imagination is ruining my perfect relationship
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
I'm dating this wonderful guy who I really love. I've been a pretty jealous person my whole life, even with the exes, I feel as though I don't even care for that much but I still got jealous. Now with my current boyfriend, I'm really afraid I'd lose him because we've been arguing/discussing about my lack of trust in him. He tells me that he will never cheat on me, but I see him to be a very sexual person. He said that it is his integrity to not cheat, but I'm not sure if its a rehearsed speech. I want to trust him, but sometimes the thought of him going to a strip club with beautiful women around or going out and meeting a hot woman to fullfill his needs haunts me. In fact, its gotten to a point where I've been thinking about it so much, I have nightmares. He's going on a trip soon and I dont know how I'm going to survive these nightmares. My imagination runs so wild it sounds like it came from some pornography and he laughs at it. How can I get myself to believe his words and not strike an arguement suggesting that he's going to cheat?
User Submitted Advice from a 21-30 year old Female
I can totally realte to your story. Me and my boyfriend have been together for over 6 years now. When we started dating I was very jealous and afraid of losing him. Before him I didn`t have any serious relationship. All ended after a short time and I was the one getting dumped. However, after meeting my amazing partner I knew that he was THE ONE. Looking back I see how my fear of losing him drove me jealous and suspicious. He`s always been naturally very flirty and have more female friends than male. Seeing him talking with a pretty girl made me sick to my stomach. We had a break up only a few months after we met due to my jealousy. Anyway, we got back together again a couple of months later. And everything changed from there. Our relationship became so much more solid. It was like we both had grown and become mature.
I still get jealous now and then, and I also have the nightmares you were talking about. So I guess deep down I`ll always be afraid of losing him. But I have learned to open up to him about it, and I am completely honest about my emotions. I also know that being jealous is abig turn off, and I don`t want the hurting discussions we had before. Because it takes so long time to gain the trust and build up the close connection between you. Keeping those consequences in mind..I have somehow managed to avoid situations where it`s easy to get jealous. But...it`s not always easy no....! I have realized that jealousy is such a strong emotion that it can`t fully go away. It`s stuck inside your body and if you want to get rid of it it needs to be worked with constantly. A good advice is to once in a while look at your boyfriend and think..he`s with me cos he wants to be with me and no one else.`Being jealous will only damage us, not make us stronger. Dig deep into your soul and have a chat with yourself or maybe write down on a piece of paper what u can do in order to chase the evil thoughts away. Girls over analyze situations, but don`t let your imagination run wild. It`s hard but you can do it! The sooner you deal with the problem the better.
I know what you`re going through, believe me!! But the only person that can change the jealousy is you.
The Original Question and RomanceClass Answer