Breaking Up because of Weight Issues
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
I have been in a long term relationship since '99. It began as a friendship and would have likely remained that way had she not pressed for intimacy. I was a virgin at the time and as most red blooded men would react I went with the flow when seduced. Obviously, it takes two to tango in that situation so I know it's not completely her fault our relationship changed I let it happen. At the time we were both XXL sized people who grew into XXXL sized people. 15 months ago on the way back from a Labor Day vacation we had a go to Jesus talk. Marriage talk was being tossed about regularly around that time. I made the decision that I could not commit to a marriage in the shape that I was 305lbs and generally unhealthy. I decided that it was time for me to make a life change if I intended to live a long life. I told my GF that I wanted her to come along with me and become more active and get in better shape so that we could possibly enter an engagement prepared for a healthy future. I made it clear at the time that I didn't see a future for us if WE weren't in better shape.
Fast forward 15 months
I have lost 60lbs and am gradually getting in the shape that I want to be in. The GF on the other hand seems to have perfected the artful dodge in this area. Saying she wants to exercise and get healthy but not doing it. Putting money down on a treadmill only to leave it there for nearly 6 months and then pulling it out for a SECOND trip to London. Telling me she has changed her eating habits but when we're out to eat it's obviously not so. She wonders why our sex life is not very active. Shouldn't be hard to understand why for your readers. I don't think I was ever sexually attracted to her. You work with what you've got though right? Now that your probably asking what did you do to help her let me say that if you've ever been in the sorry state of health I was you know it's so terribly hard to be your own motivator much less the motivator for someone else. So, I will say that the only motivation that I could provide was leading by example. I had hoped that when she saw me being more active and losing lbs that she would want to follow. I had to make getting healthy THE priority in my life. It seems as if she can't or doesn't want to make it a priority in her life. I feel like we've grown apart at this point and I want to exit the relationship ASAP. Problem is birthday is this weekend and with Christmas and New Years right around the corner I don't know how or when to break up with her without completely crushing her. I do love her as a close friend would, i.e. my response to her "I love you" is love ya not "I love you", but am not in love with her and don't think I ever really was. Perhaps lust but not love. I feel guilty but I also feel like I donít owe her anymore of my time. I have given her a chance to make a change. I didnít ask her to become skinny overnight or skinny period I did however want to see some sort of a change and I havenít. I canít see us married if she doesnít make exercise and health a part of her life because I would inevitably fall back into a rut and end up XXXL sized again which I canít do. I care enough for her to be willing to give her until March to make a change but how do I re-visit the issue during this time of year without actually ending up breaking up? I was thinking about breaking it off after the birthday dinner this weekend but I donít know if that would be to damaging. Please help me with my timing I would like to remain friends with this woman we do have a lot in common. Thanks
User Submitted Advice from a 21-30 year old Female
I relise that this is probably a bit late for it to be of help, but it'd be good to relate my story with this one.
I broke up with my boyfriend of nearly 4 years 2 days ago because of my weight. I am a US size 14-16 and he is a 33" waist (ie Skinny). We broke up at his house, but i wasnt completely sure why until i sent him an email last night. He replied basically saying that I am too insecure about my weight and that he wishes i tried harder to loose weight when i was obviously unhappy with it. He also said that he stopped being sexually attracted to me. He said that he wasnt being shallow, but if he isnt attracted to me anymore, what else is he being? This was crushing. As you know, all women are insecure about their bodies, and as a bigger girl, I am even more so. Despite this, i was actually starting to feel ok about my body (sure i think i'm a bit big, but i'm a firm believer that you have to believe that you deserve something better to acheive it, i am trying to get to terms that i'm going to be bigger all my life, even if i loose weight).
If i were you, I would not mention that you are not sexually attracted to her, especially of you are one of the first people that she had sex with. This will make her even more insecure about her weight. Although, it may make her get over you quicker as she may be angry at you (ie think your shallow). DO NOT let this MAJOR issue slide, even if you think you are going to hurt her. I would have MUCH rathered my boyfriend brought this up earlier in the relationship so we could have worked thru this rather than it being a breaking up issue. She is going to be in pain for a while, but i think she would much rather you let her know so she doesn't think you broke up because of something else.
Anyway, I hope this helps other guys out.
The Original Question and RomanceClass Answer