I'm Jealous and Insecure - Help!
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Male
First of all, I know I have a problem. I am very jealous and it is, like every other situation, no good. I promised my girl I would try to work it out, and thats what I have been doing for ½ a year now, but it just doesnt work
We have been together for two years, been engaged for 1½ year, lived together in our own house 1 year
atm. she doesnt have a job, and is by herself at home all day and I (hate myself for this) keep thinking of what she is doing. When I call and she doesnt answer the phone, I call the cell phone and ask why she doesnt pick up the other. She is always out with the dog and such, and I know this, I just have to ask. doesnt make me feel any less insecure tho
At the very beginning of our relationship I asked her about her "former life". And I did not like it all, but I guess it was my own fault for asking. She told me that she had cheated on a couple of boyfriends before, one of which she was engaged to. Now my problem is, knowing that she did that twice, how can I be sure she wont do it to me? I love her more than anything, and I would really like trusting her, cause otherwise were gonna crash and burn and I don't want that to happen if I can do anything about it
secondly, she have had lots of boyfriends and one nighters, she is the first girl I have ever been with (yes, we are the same age), and I would love to try some of the stuff she talks about. But she rarely wants sex, saying that its normal that the sex slows down when the relationship gets older, which I guess is right. Everytime she turns me down I get sad and dissapointed, but I leave it. Its just tearing me apart inside, cause I keep believing that I am not good enough (a thought that's beeing backed up by my lack of experience), and that she misses "good sex" or her former "wild life".
I know I have lots of issues, and I know most of them. I just have no idea of how to "get rid of them", and I would really like to, cause she is the love of my life
User Submitted Advice from a 31-40 year old Male
i feel i can understand you because i have myself become a jealous person and i dont like this person ive become and whats more i dont trust the way i feel. what i mean to say is that i sometimes ask myself the question 'have i chosen this?.. that this is not about how i feel about her but more to do with me and my own need for punishment.
as a result what i am thinking of doing is to move out because it feels unhealthy to stay. To feel jealous, to wander all the time about her. To worship and place yourself at her mercy, to want to control and punish to exert...these tides of emotions are tiring! and at the end what for ...a life of misery. it benefits no-one. To disregard your own happiness. However much it hurts i have to do it, LEAVE HER or else ill be that jealous person and i dont want to be him.
but like yourself i feel totally dependant on this girl i believe that i am really in love with her (ive fallen in love with my own feelings).....maybe i have to let her go.
i realise i may not be making sense but i read your letter and understood exactly how you felt
i wish you good will and gods love
The Original Question and RomanceClass Answer