I Can't Seem to Trust my Boyfriend
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 41-50 year old Female
In a relationship with this guy for a year and a half now. We don't stay together and his work keeps him very busy. I'm a very open person and have told him everything about me. Him on the other hand tells me things but not in detail and that leaves me wondering. I love him so and want him to be honest with me. I'm a jealous person but thinks he brings it out more by telling me about the woman at work and how they dress and things relating to other woman some of the girl friends he has....he knows how it makes me feel but he still tell me.
When we just started going out he had this friend @ work who use to phone him just to talk about problems...I was ok with that untill one day I decided to find out how close they really were. According to her he was ready to commit to her and that was just before he met me, but he said that's not true and she does not want to leave him alone...that she's telling lies to get back at him. I know it was his past but they went for milkshake and went to his place during works hours while we went out. I know he was open enough to tell me about the events but it still bugs me cause if he cant be honest about his past how honest is he now with me. I go visit at his place sometimes. He stays with his brother and his brothers girlfriend. Most of the times when I visit there I can feel this atmophere...she does not speak to me and it just feels suspicious.
We had a fight not to long ago and I told him how I felt...I was open and told him about the atmosphere there is and that it gives me the feeling his brothers girlfriend and him has got a thing going also told him that the reason 4 this was that he stopped kissing me the one day when he saw her in the same room...he pulled away from me and when I asked him what was wrong his pupils dilated and it made me feel like he lied to me when he said that his family is not used to seeing him with someone...we have been together for 1.5yrs they should be used to me by now.
Then he went further and told his brother and his brothers girl that I think there's something going on. That was my feelings and thoughts I could be wrong or right just didn't think it was fair to tell them. Now I go visit and I feel like a smuck cause of what he told them...was personal. I found out from a friend that he told them about my thoughts. When I went to visit him that night I asked him if he ever talk about our fights or prob. to his brother or the girlfriend, also told him that my reason for asking is that I sometimes talk to my sister about my feelings and things. He looked me in the eye and said no he don't talk to them. On the weekend I calmly told him that I know he did talk to them and that it's kinda ok just wanted to know why he lied to me...he said he wanted to see how far I would take the issue. I struggle to trust this guy cause it feels like he's not honest with me and now that he's lied to me straight faced I feel even worse. If he could lie about that he can about anything.
I don't know what to do.....I love him so much but I don't feel safe in what we have. When ever we argue he will tell me he wants us to get a place together and that he oneday would like to get married, but when I ask him at times when things go better he will say " never saw myself as the married kinda guy". So many times I've been dissapointed by him....like he'll say I'll call you back just now and then he don't or he will say he's comming to visit then something pops up and he can't make it. On weekends after he finish work he will say that he's gona go do his own thing but never let me in on what is own thing is....I know we not joint by the hip but relationship is about sharing good and bad things. I wana hear about his ups and downs I don't wana wonder. I know we all need our time and I don't wana smother him just wonder why I feel like he's not totally honest with me. Please help.
User Submitted Advice from a 41-50 year old Female
I too feel that I am in a similar situation, I want to love him so much, and at times I do. Our relationship started out rocky and there has been situations that I didn't understand why he did the things he did to me, which inevitibly made me doubt him to the point where I have isolated our relationship. I am asking myself if I am a crazy person, an abuser or why I am constantly unable to trust him. If I think clearly, it is situations, that didn't make sense and they were never resolved. He claims that he loves me, he does nice things for me, but I constantly feel that he doesn't love me, based on many things that happened in the past. He too, seems to have the ability to lie to my face and actually twist events around like I am the one that causes all of these issues. Everytime I confront him, he claims I am sick, I have an illness, someone caused me to behave this way. He never listens to me, and never answers questions clearly. I almost feel like it is some kind of game to see how long before someone is going to be hurt. There has been arguements that have gone into violent behavior and emotional and verbal abuse. It has been from both of us. We go long periods without seeing each other and usually like clock work he will call on a Sunday night claiming to miss me and love me. I will be filled with anger, and feel strongly that he waited till the end of the weekend before trying to make up. He says I caused the problem and he had very little willingness to deal with me after my outbursts. This has been continual, for almost 3 years. The relationship was one of convenience for him, and then somehow became a love affair, where he wanted me to be with him, but based on things I saw and his behavior towards other women I believed I will never be able to trust him and therefore have been told I am abusive to him. We break up and he keeps coming back, and I go back and the smallest thing causes a fight. He says it is me, he says I am out of my mind, and he doesn't deserve this, we act like children and then for a few days we make up and all the pain disappears. There is always this uneasiness between us. He fears me and I fear him, it is beyond discusting. My advice to you is this, you must follow your instinct. It is all we have, be stronger then this emotion you have. Every thing we feel is for a reason and doubting yourself and seeking advice is just seeking answers you already know. We as women have a sense of knowing based on how a man treats us if we are the one he loves. I know deep in my heart, that he claims this is love, but I see the way he tries so hard not to look at another women, or sends me into orbit by not calling me back, so by allowing this behavior and not following my own instinct I have made myself crazy and I don't know what I need to prove. It has made me loose my focus, I have become very distant from others and all the fighting has caused such sadness, that I found myself unable to leave my home. Is this worth it? What is it you need proof of, it is how you feel and know one can change the way we feel inside. If you don't listen to your own voice telling you not to trust him you will make yourself crazy trying to figure out why you don't. Truth is maybe you have never met the right guy and you have attracted distrustworthy men. You know, I believe when you meet the right person, you will find a peace and a sence of happiness inside. Usually what we feel isn't far off from the truth. If you know in your heart, that you are a good person and based on experiences along the way has made you doubt this man you will make your self go crazy going against what you believe. I must ask you is it really great to be with him when you never know what he really thinks? Is it causing you sadness, when you are dwelling on what he is doing because your afraid he is not thinking of you? We all know the truth deep inside, it is those who take their own advice, and walk away because they feel there is no trust and therefore there is no love, and it is only something we want to have and are settling for something that isn't there that we live a traggic life. So if you are doubting this, stop doubting yourself and move on. The cost of staying may cause you to be labeled crazy. Your friends and family will be tired of hearing your horror stories and doubt you for staying. Walk away and embrace what you feel and don't doubt yourself.
The Original Question and RomanceClass Answer