He needs counseling
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 41-50 year old Female
We're both 39 and have been together for 4 years. When we began dating, he was spontaneous, romantic, passionate, caring & loving. We used to talk for hours at a time. I have three children from a previous marriage and we have a two year old together. I work full time, take care of the kids, the house, the bills, without any assistance from him. His work hours are 3 am - 11 am, mine are 8am - 5 pm. When his day ends at 11, he spends the rest of the day watching TV, playing on the computer & sleeping. I end my work day at 5 and am not able to sit down & take my shoes off until at least 9 pm, by this time, he has eaten dinner (that I cook every night) and is on his way to sleep again.
His life is about work (a forklift driver), computers & TV. I try to talk to him about my feelings, but he doesn't seem concerned in the least that I cry myself to sleep every night, I walk around all the time in a sad mood. When I do try & talk to him, something always seems to take presedence, like TV, a book or the computer. These days, we don't say two words to each other, outside of "how was your day". The only time we do talk to each other is for fighting. He tells me I ruined his life, makes me feel like I mean nothing to him, throws temper tantrums, breaks mirrors, doors, etc. This is the ONLY time he speaks..... if he's pushed to the point of fighting. I cry all the time, I'm sad & feel so alone with no one to talk to, no one to share my feelings with. He'll sit outside and stare at the ground for hours, instead of expressing what he's feeling. He says he'd rather say nothing than fight. We've tried counseling & he lied to the counselor about everything. I told him if he's going to lie, don't waste my time. That was over a year ago. He's promised to try counseling for himself, but hasn't made any attempt. He told me this 3 months ago. I tell him I can't take anymore and I want to break up, move on, go our separate ways. Instead of trying to talk me out of leaving, he says "That's all you know how to do is run away". What choice am I left with when he can't or won't even talk to me. Do I live my life out in this silent horror? What can I say to him to get him to talk to me? To care that he's hurt me? Is it all hopeless, should I just cut my losses & move on?
User Submitted Advice from a 41-50 year old Female
hang in there
I'm sorry to hear that someone else is going through something so similar. I am 41 with a 50 yr. old. He admits he is a selfish person so as long as I am helping him it's ok, but don't ask for help back. Mines on medicine, but is going through one of those mood swings again so he's calling me names, doesn't want me, then wants me now back to not wanting me. If you can't get him to go to counseling, try it for yourself. Sometimes that will help. As for an ultimatum, generally it only tends to make things worse. But, should you give one be sure you can follow through. Hang in there. Can you make it on your own without his help financially? If so, keep your head up and do your best.
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