We both Hated Cheaters, and Then she Cheated
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Male
Ok, this is gonna be a long story, so brace yourselves. I met my ex girlfriend when we were both 17(I am 22 now). I was her first everything, and she was basically my first everything. She basically chased me for a year, then grew on me. We were in a committed relationship for 3 years, and lived together for half that time.
I could tell in the year she chased me, she was one of the "good girls" out there. She was a virgin prior to me(actually only kissed two guys before me), wasn't into the party scene, and we both shared the same views on cheaters(we despised them). She was great to me, did everything for me, no matter what. I could have given this girl dirt, and she would have loved it...Now, I'm the first to admit, I wasnt perfect. Meaning I had my flaws, like my temper, and some immature jealousy issues, and I think I may have taken her for granted, but nothing I dont think anyone doesnt go through in their first relationship. I would say the first two years were pretty good.
It's the third year that got somewhat difficult. We had our problems, but nothing I didnt think we couldnt get through, and we both still loved eachother very much. I honestly always thought we'd be together, I just didnt envison my life without her...We got engaged last Febuary, and I thought all was great...I thought we were on our way to the rest of our lives together, and got through that bumpy year. But after about 2 months of being engaged..she began to become distant(all this girl wanted our first 2 years together was to marry me).
Finally, one night before bed, we had a little argument, and at my suggestion, I said she needed to get her head cleared, and spend some time at a friends. She agreed. I helped her back, and was 100% considerate to her needs. She told me to think of it as a mini vacation, and she thought she took me for granted. As she walked out, I said.."I have a feeling, if you leave, you're not coming back". She said that wasnt true.
To try and make this story a little shorter, I'll cut some details out. But basically, she never came back, never returned my phone calls, and never gave me a reason why. After almost 4 years, gave me no reason why. Not to mention, did all this when the rent and bills were do. I also had to gibe up our dog, becuase he devolped severe sepration anxiety...I loved that dog so much. We both raised him, so I think it crushed him when she left.
I had to move on with my life, without knowing what happened to a love I thought was so strong. I was dead inside. Then, a month and a half later, I found out the truth...she was cheating on me with a guy for months, and actually moved in with him. Mind you, this is the last girl you would ever think could some something like this. You would just have to know her to be as shocked as me. It turns out this was a guy from her job, and for about a year she was going to him with all our problems, and he played the whole "he doesnt deserve you" crap.
It took me months to recover. I actually forgave her, and moved on with my life, and got over her(or at least convinced myself I was). We kept in touch through some emails, but nothing major. Then one day, she came into my job to say hi. It really didnt effect me at all, but I was glad to see her. Then, a few weeks after that, she began to IM me online, then call me. I must admit, talking to her was like food to my soul. But I didnt let that mess with my head, I was content being friends.
Then, she asked me out for lunch about a week ago, and she shows up wearing MY engagement ring(mind you she is still with this guy, they just broke up for a little). We get caught up in everything, and we tell each other we still love one another. Later that night on the phone she just lets it all out, telling me she regretted leaving me a month after she left, but was afraid I wouldnt take her back becuase she didnt think she ever deserved me for what she did. How every song makes her think of me. How she has never been anywhere close as in love with the guy she is with as she had with me. That she actually has never been in love with him. She even told me she regretted ever meeting this guy, becuase he came bewteen us.
Then the next day, we go to lunch again. We are having a great day, almost like we're back together, holding hands, etc. It was like I was back in time. It felt like we were falling in love all over again. We even discussed if I could trust her again if we got back together(She brought it up)So then, as I go to drop her off, we hug, then I go to kiss her, and she kinda pulls away, saying she cant. And starts crying, saying shes all confused. Then later that night, after all this, get this. She tells me she thinks there isnt romance between us, becuase she said why else would she pull away from kissing me.
I said I dont know, maybe you were scared. I'm sure you can understand I was p*ssed. I didnt yell at her, I just told her..."I was perfectly content in my life, I moved on from you, then you show back up, tell me all these things, then say there isnt any romance!?!"
We have agreed to be friends, yet I keep emailing her everyday saying we cant talk everyday...yet she keeps calling me..and like a fool, I answer. She's like a drug I need to stay away from, yet cant get enough of.
It's funny, I'm sure I know what you will say...that she is young, immature, and doesnt know what she wants. And maybe she even wants to keep me as a saftey net. Yet, I'm telling you, those days we spent together, you could feel it...it wasnt being faked on her part. It was like we were the only people there, yet we were in crowded rooms. I not just saying this becuase I am dillusional, I know this girl still has extremely strong feelings for me, yet is not playing it like she is 100% content just being good friends.
Why do I love a girl so much, that in the end cause me so much pain and embarressment? And do you think she is lying about the romance being gone, just becuase she kinda pulled away from a kiss?
The thing that gets me, is I know I am a great guy. Not to come off cocky, but I have a great personality, good looking, in shape, go to college, work, live on my own, and was loyal to the end to this girl. Yet, no matter who I meet, I compare them to her. No matter who I meet, all I want is her.
Should I cut her off 100% even though I do want her in my life to some degree? We have such a long history, and we are like two peas in a pod..we get along so good, and even as friends, we bring out so many positives in eachother. We are as compatible as they come....man, I'm just confused why this girl would come back in my life, and do this. I really just confused on how I should handle it from this point on.
User Submitted Advice from a 13-20 year old Female
well u sound a lot like me to how i feel right now with this new drama i got in my life i was with this guy for over 2 years and 1/2 and like you say they just become a very big part in your life that you dont know how to let go. see this guy cheated on me and now is going to have a baby by someone else. and like that usher song CONFESSIONS he actually was able to tell me himself. at fist i was like hell nah i dont want to be with him anymore he did me wrong he hurt me how could he love me and hurt me. i never ddi him wrong and i cant say i regret it because no matter what he did to me i never want him to get hurt because i love him and well now we talk again and laugh and act like its all ok but when i remember what he did to me my eyes just get all watery and i ask my self why did he do this to me and take all my plans and dreams awway from me but like they say everything happens for a reason even though to me its not understandable why this had to happen there are days that im ok but i cant lie that i dont sit there and wonder what is he doing and where is he at or who is he with, he hurt me so much but i dont hate him i love him and i honestly believe that you need to follow your heart and do exactlly what it says and if u deside not to talk to her no more then dont and if you can handle the just being friends then go for it but if you are just hurting and wanting to see her and kiss her but you wont allow yourself to get back with her then just leave it all alone but its really up to you because no mattter how much advise you get you will always follow your heart because thats the best and do it all for yourself and never for the pleasure of someone else.
The Original Question and RomanceClass Answer