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We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.

Original Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
This is another general question. Is it aturn off to a girl when a guy is shy and is not in socially?(the loner). I often see that the girls aren't attracted to the loner is this true?




User Submitted Advice from a 21-30 year old Male
Be confident


Not all girls, but most.

If you really want to take control of your dating life, you can't be shy. You just can't. Shyness doesn't reflect confidence...and confidence is the #1 attractive quality to women.

It's hard to get out of your shell. But you can do it. Learn the art of conversation--become genuinely interested in people. Try talking to strangers--ask them about some piece of clothing they're wearing, or the dog they're walking. Buy a (good) book on how to make interesting conversation and follow the advice. You might get that lump in your throat and then get tongue-tied, but fight through it. If you fail, just try again--they're strangers, you'll never see them again! Never talk yourself down--you can do it, it just takes practice. After you're used to that, you can start talking to women. Try striking up a conversation with a girl standing alone at an art gallery or a movie theater. You might be incredibly nervous, and once again you might get tongue tied, but just keep practicing and it'll come to you. Instead of getting down on yourself, write in a journal. Make entries like "Today I tried to talk to this girl at an art gallery--I said x, she said y, then I got nervous and said z which pretty much killed the conversation. I think next time, instead of saying z, I'll probably say q, or ask a question. That'll keep the conversation alive." Build off of each entry.

Whioe you're overcoming the social part of shyness, overcome the mental part. Become confident in yourself--not cocky. Don't brag or grandstand...you don't need to. Instead, realize that you are an interesting, amazing person and look at the world through that lens--anyone who you talk to openly that doesn't realize it is missing out. Make it your mantra. Wake up everyday and appreciate yourself; think to yourself at least 40 times a day what an amazing person you are. Review the great things you've done. Then go out and do more great things. Learn a skill. Write poetry and stories. Paint; learn an instrument. Spend a weekend helping at a homeless shelter. Take your favorite hobby and go wild on it; like to play guitar? Write your own songs and spend at least forty-five minutes a day practicing. Don't be afraid--hell, even if it's Magic Cards, (something that is stereotyped as really 'geeky') do something crazy. Make your own cards. Create your own card game! Learn card tricks applicable only to Magic Cards. Eventually you'll see that A.) girls are just as human as you are and aren't on some higher level than you are and B.) the less you make them a priority, the more easily dating will come to you. But, think about it; you'll be a confident guy who lives an interesting life who is a good conversationalist. As long as you go out and talk to people, there will be plenty of girls just waiting to learn more about you over coffee, or dinner. :)

And, by the way, The 'in' crowd is an illusion created by school. There is no 'in' crowd out in the world at large. Just the crowd. It may not feel like that in high school, but it's true. The sooner you realize that, the sooner you rise above it and become an independent, confident person--and the sooner a girl notices it and gets butterflies in her stomach.

It's hard. I know. But you can do it. Work your way out of shyness. Work your way into confidence. From there everything else will come easily. When you've learned how to talk to people (which takes practice) AND you live your life with the thought "I am a great person, and no one can tear me down", girls are bound to come your way. Sure, it'll never be perfect. But it will be more than enough to make you happy, which--until you have kids, I would wager--is the most important thing for you.

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