do I have reason to be jealous?
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 41-50 year old Female
I have been dating my boyfriend for about 5 months now. He dated women before me but I have issue with the 2nd last one.Her name was Bonnie. He dated her from Jan.2004-Nov.2004 approximately. They had discussed living together but she ended up breaking up with him. He was really hurt and said it took him 3-4 months to get over it. He even called her to try to get back together with her after she dumped him but she was not interested. After being single for 7 months he dated another woman for about 6 months of which he said his feelings did not grow so he dumped her. Her name was Gloria.I met him after her and he had been single for 6 months. After dating him about a month we were lying in bed and he was half asleep and rubbing my leg and he said "poor Bonnie."(I was sick.) I said "what?" and he repeated "poor Bonnie" and then I was silent and he sat up in bed and said he was so sorry he had been half asleep and did not know what he was doing. So now even months later I feel that deep down somewhere he still cares about Bonnie and wants to be with her and not me. I cannot get this out of my head and he does not talk about her at all but i keep imagining she is better than me and prettier and thinner and that he is just with me because he cannot have her. He tells me this is not true and that even if she wanted to hook up again he wants to be with me and has no interest in her. He insists that night was purely accidental. To me though since he dated Gloria after Bonnie and she was his most recent ,if Bonnie was really out of his head, should he have not said "poor Gloria? as that was the most recent ex? Then I could believe it meant nothing. But the fact that this Bonnie girl hurt him alot and in his sleep he mentions her while rubbing my leg...does that not mean deep down he has some desire to still want her? I find I am very jealous of Bonnie and in my head I have this image that they must have been perfect together and he really loves her and not me. please help me with any advice as I feel i am going crazy! Thanks.I am 32 and he is 40 years old.
User Submitted Advice from a 21-30 year old Female
Deal with it
Its not his fault that he feels what ever he still feels. Put yourself in his position and have some empathy. Whats important is that he loves you and would rather be with you and not her. He chose you over her, and as long as he is good to you and treats you well and loves you, thats all that sould matter. So in the end, understand that he cant chose what feelings are left over from his past relationship and you have a right to feel jealous/upset about it but as long as you understand each other and deal with the situation it will be fine. Good luck.
The Original Question and RomanceClass Answer