She Lied in the Past - I Can't Trust Her
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Male
Alright, here it is plain and simple. I dated this girl for 2 years. It started the end of my senior year in high school, yet before that we dated off and on and were best friends growing up. Before i left for college i broke up with her thinking that i wanted to "live" and date and such because in high school when i was single i dated A LOT of girls. she's two years behind me. So after a month i quickly find that college isn't all that i thought it would be and i get incredibly lonely. throughout this entire month we talk like friends and keep up. so on her birthday i ask her back out with a nice gift and we start up again fresh and new. our relationship has had it's ups and downs but that is understandable since it has been long distance. she loves me with all her heart and deep down i know she wants to be with me.
But get this. a year within the "revived" relationship i find out that during the month we were apart she slept with one of my old friends to get back at me. now when we got back together i had asked her if she dated or anything during the one month break and she said no to me about 10 times. she lied to me! and that caused a serious mistrust from me to her. all i did during the break was kiss one girl...and it was the most horrible kiss ever. anyways, i never cheated on this girl, even in a big college town. so now it's two years later. our relationship is so awesome when we are together...we love each other so deeply and our families are so connected. but the long distance has slowly ripped us apart and thanks to that mistrust that happened i have always hurt her by bringing it up and interrogating her about where she goes and what she does. i get moody when she's around other guys and i always wonder what she's doing.
now she is graduating high school and those thoughts of living it up and confusion is happening to her...she just broke up with me last week. i got plastered during the weekend...and i don't drink so it was bad. i ran off without telling her where i was going and ignored her calls. i was just so heart broken and confused that she would do that when she tells me how much she loves me. so after the weekend is over i start to come to my senses and we get together and have a looong talk. she tells me that she just doesn't know if she wants to keep going through the long distance relationship with all the problems we've had in the past. and i tell her that i love her more than anything and that we should work out those problems and then get back together. but i'm gonna give her the space that she needs, and allow her to make a good clean decision.
my main fear is that she's going to do what i did to her so long ago...yet if she decideds to move on then i will too. and if she comes back to me i don't know what i will do! i do love her so much, and i am so willing to work out our problems to keep us together. i believe that if we can survive through a long distance relationship for a couple more years, then we could have something incredibly awesome in the future.
but by talking to her more...i think she wants to split up for good and just be best friends...which is not okay with me. i will always be her friend and love her...but i don't know if i want to move on.
so what should i do? should i give her all the space she needs or should i make a presence and try to get her to work our problems out? i know we're both young...yet the whole high school sweethearts thing kicks in there and messes things up. i've met plenty of girls and no other girl attracts me like her. i'm so confused and everytime we talk i feel my heartbreaking more and more. i started working out more often to take my mind off of it, and i picked my guitar back up and decided to practice more...but my thoughts stray right back to her.
i'm just confused on what i can do to get her to work out the problems with me, and not completely destroy what we both know can be awesome. am i young and naive? help?
User Submitted Advice from a 21-30 year old Male
It's over be a man and move on. If you marry her, there will be a time when lust wears off and friendship takes place. You will eventually see her in a different way. You are dealing with guilt and you know it could all have been avoided by you. It is something that you will have to deal with the rest of your life. A relationship is like a fine china plate every fight, lie, or argument will resemble a crack in the plate. One day that plate will break and you will seperate from your loved one. You can put all the pieces back together and make the plate look brand knew, but those cracks will always be there and you will always remeber she cheated and lied to you. You know the answers to your situation stop thinking with your heart and think with your brain. Life is not over it has just begun, take this experience and become a better man out of it. So the next time you meet someone special this time you will not make the same mistake. Good luck, do not pursue her anymore, if it is meant to be let it be, she'll come around if it is. She is young she dosent know what she wants neither do you. Live and experience first and then realize if she was the right one for you.
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