He's In Love with Someone Else
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
Theres a guy at work that i have strong feelings for. We've worked together for 4 months and several weeks ago became quite friendly.
We've been out a few times and I feel so good in his company. I really feel I can relate to him and feel complete every second I spend with him.
On the basis of this connection I felt that my feelings were reciprocated so I told him how I felt.
He then said he couldnt commit.
I accepted this and told him that I enjoyed being with him and if he found me attractive then why couldnt we just have fun so he agreed to that.
I stayed round his flat about 3 weeks ago in which time we were very close. He touches me in such an affectionate way that ive never been touched before. We shared a bed. No sex or foreplay just holding eachother. This suited me just fine as that is not what im after.
Now he has completely backed off and told me he cant even do that which is very hurtful but i dont want to force him into anything. He also revealed that he has feelings for another girl but when i asked him if he is in love with her he said he doesnt know. Ive also noticed that he contradicts himself alot. e.g He told me a while ago that he cannot have feelings for someone unless there is some kind of physical attraction. He then told me that this girl is not what he classes as physically attractive. Its all very confusing. She is at university so he does not see her often. I asked him if he misses her and he said he does "sometimes". Can you make sense of this? I cant.
He also told me after he broke up with his ex girlfriend he couldnt look at another woman for 2 years. This was about 3-4 years ago.
However, on the basis that i feel this special connection with him I dont want to lose his friendship. I'd love to carry on socialising with him etc but even though ive told him this ive had no feedback.
Could you please advise me on what I should do? Should i play it cool, chase him untill i get what i want?
Id be grateful of any advice you can offer
User Submitted Advice from a 21-30 year old Female
Consider own feelings
I just wanted to say that i understand how you feel. I think that the response made by the other reader is very good. I am in love with a girl, and i know she loves me also. But she also loves someone else... just as he said earlier i will always be number 2. Deep down i have always known this, but i love her so much sometimes i just don't care. We talk all the time and hang out alot, but only when the other girl isn't around. I always get left if she (other girl) needs anything. Once we were going to the mall for lunch and the other girl called so we had to turn around and go home. Things like this always happen... i have even messed around with my love while she was dating this other girl. I know things wont ever change and that i will just get hurt over and over agian, yet i can't help myself.
i guess my advice to you is to end things with this guy before you get into a situation like mine. If he wants to see someone else he doesn't care for you like he should. I know it will be hard, but you have to consider your own feelings.
The Original Question and RomanceClass Answer