Am I in the wrong?
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
It was about 5 years ago, when I had first met Rocky. We had talked for about a year and developed a great sense of friendship before we started dating. I was with him for 3 years, constantly on and off. This didn't seem a great deal to me considering he lived 300 miles away. I always assumed it was "normal" for couples to feel insecure with their long-distance relationship. As time past, I noticed some things in him that I knew I could not see myself supporting in the future with him. I ended the relationship after 3 years and decided it was time for me to take a break for a while. Our break up wasn't too friendly, so we hadn't talked for a year after we spit up. A year later, Rocky called me and we talked about things and laughed about the past between us. It was like a whole new beginning and I was so glad we were mature enough to look past that level.
It has now been well over a year and a half since we have been apart and I am now with my current boyfriend, Adam. It's taken me some time to get back into the dating scene and I feel as though I'm diving in a long-term relationship. I was never the short-term type to begin with.
I am a strong believer in friendship and honesty. I thought it would be wonderful if Adam and Rocky talked a bit and got to know each other. Things well pretty well, until about 4 months later I had been texting Rocky and talking to him on the phone, that I received numorous voice mails from his current girlfriend (and still with him today). She seemed very upset and angry at the fact that we'd been talking. She was just full of rage and jealousy and I did not understand this at all. Rocky is a wonderful friend to me and has made so much impact in my life. I've always wanted to best for him and I would never do anything to interfeer with his intimate relationship.
I attempted to be friends with her, and intiate some type of relationship, but even that didn't work.
So, right now I am in the blue. I suppose my question is , am I in the wrong? All I truly want is the best for him. I love and care for him as a friend, and I always have. 5 years and still going. I was around before he ever even met his current girlfriend and I feel that I should not back away just because she has self-esteem issues. To me, she seems very insecure.
This, however has made me notice that I have the same issues with my current boyfriend as well. I don't tolerate him talking to girls who i am not famliar with , especially his ex girlfriends. I don't approve of him going out clubbing with his male friends or partying without me being present.
What causes people to be so jealous? And angry? To show so much remorse toward someone they have never even met before? It's non-sense to me, yet I am my own worst enemy. Totally hypocritical.
User Submitted Advice from a 21-30 year old Female
Oh dear, you sound very much like me! I think it really is more of a female thing. I am so jealous of my boyfriends exgirlfriend. They were only together for 9 months but I have been with him now for nearly 4 years! I still get jealous 2, even though she's getting married and is pregnant to another guy! I think it is just the thought he may have loved someone else. I think we worry so much and have these weird thoughts cause we ourselves probably find ourselves looking at old photo's of previous boyfriends and stuff like that (even though we don't love them anymore). If we can do it we know deep down that they can do it 2! That's what drives us mad. But when you really think about it, we are just as bad as them. Even though we wouldn't cheat or ever dream of doing it, we are human and things will pop up in our minds. It doesn't mean we will ever act on them and this is the same for our guys 2. I have decided that all guys make stupid decisions from time to time. But even though they do, I don't think they really mean to hurt us. Once they realise they have hurt you they just wanna fix it. I think we should just except that Guys and girls minds will never be the same. We just have to try and trust each other and forgive mistakes (but not if they cheat!! hehe!!)
The Original Question and RomanceClass Answer