ex gilrfriend calling
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
I am 24 years old and I am starting to wonder if I will ever be happy with anyone. I am a jealous person and I have always put pressure on my boyfriends because of their ex-girlfriends. I was always worried about whether they would get back with them or whether they still had feelings for them. If they called then I would make a big drama. But because there were many other things wrong in the relationships I never felt that it was wrong of me to do what I was doing. Now it is different. I have been in a relationship with my current partner for the last 10 months, living together for most of this time. He is 14 years older than me. He is a wonderful man, very caring and loving and I know he is serious about me and wants a family in the near future as he is already mature. However, from the very beginning he has always been very outspoken about his past. He doesn’t talk like an idiot who is trying to put me down but he says things I would rather not know ….like my ex girlfriend bla bla had a good body. One day he said to me he had dated women who were more beautiful than me…That broke my heart!!! I told him later how much that upset me and he said that he would never undervalue my beauty and in some ways I was the most beautiful woman he had ever been with but he felt he should be honest and that it didn’t mean he didn’t love me and I was the one he wanted to be with. Also he has an ex-girlfriend who calls every month or so and he knows she is still in love with him. He said one day he told her he was getting married, just as a joke, and she broke down crying. She has a daughter and she keeps saying that he is the spiritual father of her child. When she calls he is all excited and he keeps calling her beautiful. He swears to me he feels nothing for her and that he only loves her as a friend and that he left it really clear to her a long time ago that nothing will happen between them but he keeps the friendship going. From what he tells me she seems like a bit of a peverted woman and he sees that in everyone but in her. Sometimes I wonder why he opens exceptions only to her…I have told him how I feel about everything and asked him not to tell me so much about his relationships but he said he doesn’t want to keep secrets from me and that he wants a woman to be also his friend so he can share everything and he said I must learn to differenciate when he is talking to me as a friend or as a woman. I want to reitarate that I love him, he is a good man and I don’t think he does that out of spite it is really the way he is. I am a very jealous person and I have been in the past. I stress myself all the time when this woman is not even in the country. However I don’t know to what extent the way he is and what he expects of me is fair…even though he loves me he hates my jealousy and he said he will leave me if I don’t change. Please help me.
User Submitted Advice from a 31-40 year old Male
Don't feel guilty
A lot of times jealous people are made to feel guilty about their feelings because jealous is suppossed to be unreasonable,unjustified insensible,bad dangerous,irrational etc. The truth though is in alot of cases it is a normal reaction to other people's actions making you feel insecure. In your case your partner is provoking your emotions,being insensitive causing emotional pain. He is to blame fully for what is happening. I wonder he would feel if you were doing the same to him?
The Original Question and RomanceClass Answer