I'm Jealous about my Girlfriend's Past
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Male
I have been going out with my gf for over a year now and she is completely wonderful. I totally trust her and everything has been great with us except one thing. I have this problem where the tiniest mention of her past relationships gets me imagining the things she has done with those other guys. Once I start thinking about it it's really hard to stop and will completely ruin my day. I will get angry and resentful and not treat my wonderful lady the way she deserves. The very thought of her doing anything with someone else in the past makes me feel like its happening right now.
I'll get the images in my head and torture myself with what happened years ago. I know she would never cheat on me, I'm not jealous or insecure about anything in her life now. Its just the thought that she ever had special or intimate experiences with past boyfriends that gets me so upset. As if she was supposed to do nothing her whole life until she met me so that we could have all those experiences together and no one else. How can I deal with this?
User Submitted Advice from a 31-40 year old Male
Build self esteem
I'm having the very same problem. I have a wonderful fiance (we're both 30) and she has had boyfriends in the past. We have been totally honest with each other about everything about our past and to be quite frank, her 5 boyfriends over the course of being sexually active over 12 years is actually laughably little, especially in this day and age. I have had a great deal more experience than that so feeling out of my league experience wise is certainly not the problem. However, I have found myself torturing myself over it, going over in my head how she had a great time with other men and driving myself to distraction in nearly all the spare time I get. I have managed to create an extremely destructive cycle for myself and although my feelings havent yet impacted on the relationship (I am aware that i have a problem here), and although we have had a couple of rows... I have now made the effort to seek professional help. I talked to a counsellor who seems to think the root of the problem maybe based on low self esteem and wishes to tackle the problem by building up the confidence in myself. Having thought about it, I do feel she is right. Look into yourself and ask yourself honestly, everytime you reach a dead end in the thoughts you have, are you blaming yourself for a percieved shortcoming in yourself. If yes, perhaps you are having the same problem. I hope I can overcome this with the help of my counsellor as I would be a fool to destroy what I have. And taking steps to build up your self esteem should surely help you in other areas of your life also. The best of luck to you, you're not alone....
The Original Question and RomanceClass Answer