My Girl Always Cheats
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Male
I have been dating a young lady for over 3 years now. I love her dearly and I can tell that through it all she does love me. Our problem is that she is easily caught up into other guys for nothing more than them showing any type of interest in her. Now the guys that she falls for tend to be older and more respectible in terms or accomplishments in life. She has no problem turning down most guys her age or that aren't making moves in life. I don't believe it is actually a self-esteem problem, but she for some reason doens't think that good men are attracted to her and is overly flattered when they take interest in her. She is a very attractive young lady and I know men are interested as soon as they see her so as you see this is a problem. Plus she is very friendly and outgoing, to the point that some guys get the wrong impression or feel that they would have an easy time getting close to her. She then takes that attention that she created unknowingly and runs with it.
Over the course of our relationship she has cheated on me and it seems to progress. The first time it started as her lying about her where abouts and going out on a date with another guy. But later I found out that she had been talkin to the guy on the phone quite a bit. I admit that I could have stopped this when they first started talking. He was the car dealer that she purchased her car from and seemed to be making alot of calls to check on her. I trusted her to handle the situation but she continued to talk to him more than I knew. He had shown some interest in her and voila.
We got past that but the next year she cheated on me again by going out to diner with a minister at her church. She ended up going back to his house and sleeping on the couch there. He did make a pass at her but left when he did. We got over that because she had a problem with seeing men like ministers as not being just another man with the same intentions. However we did end up splitting not long after and we have concluded that it was really just to date him. Once he made the pass at her and she saw that he was interested she became infatuated.
But what I didn't know is that during that time that we were apart from above she had continued to talk to another guy in another state over the phone. He was a business contact that began to flirt with her. We both agreed that he was flirting and she said she would stop it but she didn't behind my back. So only a month after we are back together she had a trip to the city where the guy lives with a group attending a career fair. She had told me that she had stppped the flirting, but when she got there she ended up spending the night at the guys hotel room. Nothing occured except talking. She did tell me the next day only after lying first and we fought about it. She was in the middle of a blizzard and could not fly out for a few days so we argued over the phone. On the night I told her we were going to talk and work everything out she suddenly disappeared. I found her by finding the guys number in her stuff and calling his house only find her there at 5 in the morning. We talked about it and she admitted to getting physical but did not have sex which I do believe her. She had lied to me about being attracted to the guy and about stopping conversations with him.
After this occurence we discovered her infatuation problem and we agreed that it was not good not only for our relationship but for her as a person to be so heavily attracted to a man for him simply being attracted to her. In fact each one of these men she will admit is quite far from what she has in me, or someone that she would want to have a real relationship with. They are all respectible but have things about them that she knows she would never want in a relationship. She has found herself doing things that she regrets and thought she would never do all because of her infatuation.
Now she has taken a job under a boss that I know of. I knew from the start that he would try to make a move on her and I knew with the way she is that she would get caught up in it. I told her this and even laid out the whole plan of attack that he would use so that I could show her where she is going wrong in these situations. So far everything has been coming from him exactly as I told her. Yet she has failed to follow the rules we discussed. She has already lied to me about going out to lunch with him twice and I can see that she is getting wrapped up into him. I don't want to go through this again but I love her and I know that she really does love me. She has shown that she wants to work on our relationship even though she has messed up. But I cannot trust anything she says now and I don't know how to recover from this.
Its not that she is a bad person that just doesn't care and does what she wants. She is just very easily caught up into other guys as I mentioned before. She has admitted that she is stupid for jeaopordizing the very good relationship that we have but we can't get to the bottom of her behaviour. She seems to lose all control when a man shows interest. I do still trust that this can work because she has never persued or intentionaly initiated anything with any guys. If she wouldn't become so flattered at a mans attraction to her then we would not have a problem. I am lost on what to do and how to trust her again and I am scared to go through this again since she is currently on that path again. Please help me.
User Submitted Advice from a 13-20 year old Male
find a new girl
I broke up with a girl just like yours after 2 and a half years just recently. Cause when they were just "talking" that means - I'm lying to you about sleeping with him. They could go anywhere to talk. So WHY HIS HOTEL room. Man I learned this the hard way. I still have nightmares about it months later. Don't do this to yourself. Find a girl who will love you and respect you.A girl you can trust. I promise you'll be better off in the long run. If not your in for a whole world of hurt. Good luck to you in everything.
The Original Question and RomanceClass Answer