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confused about the truth



We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.

Original Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
My boyfriend and I have have been dating for about 3 years. A couple months ago I found a couple messages in his phone which include a girl telling him where she was at with people from his work and refering to him as "luv". I quietly put the phone down and when he entered the room I picked it up in front of him to pretend to look at it. He jumped and grabbed the phone from my hands at this point I told him I already saw it which then he started to say it was his friend from work. We fought about it, I told him I didnt wanna deal with it. That same night I found out he had a myspace account. so the next day I went online n Looked him up and found that it said "single" under his relationship status, although he had no friends on there. I pretty much flipped out n we took a week off then decided to work it out when i came over his house i found that he had put our picture away. (in the meantime he denies cheating and claims that the girls he has in his phone are friends from work)although he called them at 130am cuz he said him n his friends meet up at the bars with them(they work n live around each other and this only happened once a week).
A couple weeks later I found a ring in his room. He says he dosent know where it came from n that it might have been his friends girls or someone might have thrown it.(he lives with 2 guys) So I go on, hanging on to what little trust I have left meanwhile when I call him and say That Im coming over he would get defensive and tell me I could not come over.then he waould call me a couple hrs later n say he was sry n ask me to come over.Everytime I asked him If he had talked to a girl he would say no n then I would check his phone and see that he did. then he would say he forgot that he did so he was oviously lying. He would say that he lied to me because I was so jealous (which is true) I know I was being to upsessive and driving him away so I backed off in hope to save what we have left. He has always been the one in the relationship who wants to be with me and wants to get married etc. Ive always had doubts. I dont know if he cheated on me and I feel like it is getting in the way of me being able to open up.half my friends tell me to give him the benefit of the doubt and the others say that he has cheated.I've also found messages from girls that say "i knew we couldnt be best friends"(im guessing she liked him n he said they should just be friends) and im sorry i got mad at you, but i didnt wanna hang out at a certain bar all night" I try to talk but he gets defensive n shuts down while he tells me why would he cheat if he wants to be with me.i always suggested me hangin out with the girls to, but he refuses n says its only guys who hang out when he was clearly hanging out with girls too. I know he is crazy about me and he has totally stopped talking to the girls n going out because he dosent wanna ruin our relationship but i can't get over the past, I just want to know the truth n I hate bringing it up because it upsets us both. Do you think these signs mean that he has definently cheated on me?




User Submitted Advice from a 21-30 year old Female
Trusst


It takes two. You always have to rememebr this and I think you understand this as you said your obsessiveness was ruining to relationship. The first thing you did wrong was look through his phone. This is telling him that you do not trust him and this also proves to him that YOU are not trustworthy. HIS phone is HIS personal business and if you want any kind of a future with him you have to stop snooping. I've always had a rule that if you find any evidence against him in a sneaky mannor it doesn't count. Because you were not in the right when finding the "evidence" in the first place. He has just as much right to be mad at you for what you did as you do for what you "suposedly found." What you need to do is figure out if you are going to trust him or not. Then do it. Don't check his tracks. I once had a boyfriend who accused me of cheeting. I never cheeted before he began accusing me of it but then he pushed me to it becuase I may as well cheet if that was what he believed. If you decide to trust him you need to start being the woman he wants to be monogomous to. Why would he want a woman who doesn't trust him? Personally I think he is a cheeting bastard but really the only evidence you have is null because of how you got it and the only way of really knowing if he is cheeting is walking in on him in the act. And maybe he cheeted in the past because he was sick of you always being on his back. You need to take some responsibility for his actions. It seems like you love eachother so try starting over a new leaf and seeing that if he did cheet you played a part in it too. Forgive him, forgive yourself, and start treating him like you trust him.

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