I wasn't always this jealous...
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
Well I wrote a "question" already but I'm going to write another that is actually a question.
So this is just a little BACKROUND information if that helps you with your advice:
So I have my first boyfriend of 9months...things were going smoothly until all of a sudden one day we make plans then in the middle of it he blows them off to go spend the night at his friends. Also I would ask him questions about his past like girls he used to like and what not. Just as a curious thing nothing to get mad over. But he would ALWAYS change his answers...At first I didn't really care about it until he kept changing it. One minute my hopes are up because "he really means it" then the next he's unsure. Another thing is that when we were first going out we took turns hanging out with eachothers friends...mine at brunch his at lunch. He told me he felt uncomfortable with my friends and I was fine with it and said we could just hang out with his friends.
Since then my life changed...I don't hang out with my friends before. They've become distant with me because I never see them. My whole lifestyle pretty much changed. Not that I really have a problem with that except for the fact that he claims he changed so much for me and I haven't done a single thing to change. Well since the instances with the blowing off of plans and breaking my heart constantly [with the changing of answers and messing with my head] I've become extremely jelous.
I get jelous when he hangs out with his friends for the littlest bit without me. Or if he spends the night or even wants to. I feel inadequate to him. Like I gave up all these things to adjust to his needs. He has NEVER ONCE told me he has wanted to do anything with me. I always say "hey we should do this" "wanna do this?" "what do you want to do?" and he responds with "I don't know". It hurts a lot because after 9 months he doesn't know what he wants to do with me? Sometimes I wish he were a bit more romantic in at least the slightest way and be like "I want to take a walk with you" but he doesn't even do that. He suggest things for his friends but not for me?
All these things together I think make up my jelousy towards his friends. Sometimes when he asks his dad if I can come over his dad says "no" but then he asks "can my friend ***** come over?" he says yes and actually wants to invite him.
I have an extremely bad temper and have told him numerous times that I need to cool down and to please not touch me yet he does and I just blow up and get out of control and say all these things I don't mean and start curseing. I try to explain myself but he always cuts me off and tries to tell me what I think and why I'm acting certain ways when he couldn't be any more wrong. I've become so frustrated. It wasn't until today when he wrote a letter to this site that he actually listened to me. I was very hurt because he said all these things I had no idea about.
I am very sensitive when it comes to other people getting in our business and do not like to be judge..especially if both sides aren't told. I don't control him but he claims that I do. I tell him what hurts me but he can do it anyways because I'll deal with it but he says he doesn't want to hurt me and doesn't go anyways and tries to blame it on me. He told me he was glad he found a way to not go to college because it wasn't for him and was thankful that I showed him that there were other ways and he didn't NEED it. He made it seem like all these people were saying bad things about me and all these other feelings I had no idea about and the person who responded said I was a horrible person without even hearing my side.
I know I have a jelousy/trust issue but I don't know how to overrcome it. Maybe If I actually got him to listen to me and why I feel that way he'd understand but he won't listen and I want to overcome it but I don't know how.
User Submitted Advice from a 13-20 year old Female
We tried it
well I tell him not to touch me but he does anyways. I do good with the not cursing for awhile then I blow up when I'm not given my space. But yeah we talked about it so thanks.
The Original Question and RomanceClass Answer