Am I really that horrible?
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
Hi, me and my girlfriend have been going out for 9 great months, the best of my life and I've never felt better, but also, I have never felt more terrible. She has a temper and she knows that, but its her jealousy that's really the problem, she knows this also but when I try to explain it to her she just says that thats the way she is and she's not going to change and that she's already changed enough. I have changed drastically, my family and friends tell me that. This is because she forbids me to even talk or have fun with anyone but her, she doesnt even hang out with her good friends anymore and says I should be the same because she says "she doesnt need anyone else but me" and she cant understand why i need ti hang out with my friends. I know this is wrong, I want to find a way to tell her and not give in to her ways so that we can overcome this problem. She curses at me constantly, tells me she hates me, and now she says she's broken up with me every week. Things calm down eventually but then start back up again, I felt bad when I had to turn to my friend who i have not talked to in a while and ask him for advice, because i felt like i was disobeying my girlfriend, I felt like I had to talk to someone though, I was feeling the worst i have ever felt and suicidal. She claims that I ignore her whenever theyre around and I just dont think its true, I know she's exaggerating and I've asked my friends who were there at the time and even they agree with me. If my girlfriend finds out that ive been recently talking to my friends more and lying to her about them spending the night, I am screwed, because thats what above all, she hates. I need help someone tell me what to do, I've been getting more and more irritable with her lately and im sorry for that, she blames my irritabiltity on things such as lack of sleep, but when I tell her that its related to her, she just gets mad like she usually does and everything just explodes. This girl really is my only one, weve been planning our future together and I even gave up college for her. She also started claiming that she's loved past boys before even though earlier she said that she never has, even though after she calms down she takes it back again. She says im not good enough for her at times. I don't know what to do, help please.
User Submitted Advice from a 21-30 year old Male
Give her chance
I would not go exactly by George's advice. No one is perfect and I'm sure there are faults at both ends. Has she always been like this or has this all of a sudden happened? Maybe there was something that triggered this emotion. I'm also sure that if those 9 months were truely perfect then they couldn't be as horrible as you're making it sound. It is common for people to exaggerate a bit on here.
You should talk with her about why and how she is acting. It is very well possible that she feel inadequate because of something you've done. Neither of you are horrible people. Some people just need help. I have a sister who has a HORRIBLE temper as well, after sometime cooling down she is fine and is able to act civil. You haven't given enough detail for anyone to judge and give you straight forward advice. Are you giving her time to cool down or are you just trying to solve things right away?
Also you don't know for sure if he'll be miserable for the rest of your life with this girl if you stick with her. Keep in mind that you are upset now and it is very well possible that you may be exaggerating a bit. I'm sure that she has some things to say about you. Most of the time when people are busy aregueing and such the actual problem never comes across.
Obviously there are things you both need to fix and are both needing to change. I'm getting the feeling though that you aren't letting her cool down if things are exploding. I suggest you back off a bit and let her have some time to herself to cool down, because once you keep pushing that button and not letting things settle a bit before you "discuss" that's when things go out of hand. Once she has calmed down (perhaps you clear your head a bit too for some thinking)you can get your thoughts across and perhaps say "I feel this way when you do this...because of this" and go back and forth and such. You won't agree on everything so sometimes you just have to agree to disagree.
So I suggest that before you end it try to have a nice calm discussion and ask her how she feels and why she believes she's acting in such ways. Because most of the time people are extremely sensitive because something has greatly affected them and they are afraid of that happening again. So if she starts to get angry again let her calm down a bit and read some of the tips they have on this site, and goodluck!
The Original Question and RomanceClass Answer