Going Separate Ways when Out Drinking
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Male
I've been dating this girl for 2 years and we've been fighting almost every weekend recently because of the way we are when we go out to a bar or club. We always come together when we go, but we pretty much go our separate ways when we're at the bar/club.
I want to spend time with her when we go out, but it always seems that she knows someone or her friend will come and get her to have a drink with her. She's a very popular and gorgeous girl so I can't really blame her for being social. But I often feel left out, and in the background when we go out. I feel that she always leaves me alone and I always have to find her when she's gone. I'm always looking for her and never the other way around.
Of course she doesn't know how I feel at the time bc she's often drunk and doesn't know what's going on. She told me that she's been like this even before we started dating, but i thought it would change when we started dating. Is it wrong for me to want to have her to myself for a little bit at the bar/club when we go out, or do I just leave her be and let her do whatever she wants? I guess sometimes i'd like her to pay attention to me even if its for a bit.
We're ok when we're not going out to drink. WE spend time together everyday, and we're good throughout the week. Its only when she drinks that my emotions start to get the best of me and I get angry that she doesn't care enough to have a drink, dance, or socialize with me,her boyfriend. WE love each other very much and have broken up before only to come back to each other, knowing that we want to end up together someday. But is this right to keep fighting over her drinking habits like this?
I've dated many other girls in the past, and this type of fighting has never occured with them. If they drank, they always were around me and I never had to chase after them when they were drunk. They would just stay by my side or in the vicinity at least. But my current girlfriend leaves me the entire time when she's drinking and I end up trying to find her after I haven't seen her for about half an hour, just to make sure that she's ok and not having drunk guys all over her.
WE always fight about her drinking and leaving me alone for the entire time. Sometimes I feel like a babysitter when she's drinking.
I've talked to her about this plenty of times, often resulting in very long shouting matches, only to have me leaving her apartment in a heaping storm. And in the end, I always apologize the next day or two, even though I feel like she needs to change.
I don't like her drinking habits. She doesn't know how to control it cuz she never says no to a drink with her friends. Its ruining us, but I want US to work so badly. What should I do?? What should she do?? What do we do?? We love each other, but I feel like she forgets it when she's drunk.
User Submitted Advice from a 21-30 year old Female
I usually agree with george but I feel he is ever so wrong here. So let me get this straight: you are with this girl every day of the week then when its the weekend and she has time to have a little fun she has to be with you to?! Why not trying to give her a little space on the weekends to socialize and have fun without you. No matter what two people need to have their own lives and if you go with geoge's advice or keep yelling at your girlfriend for wanting a small life without you she will just leave you because you suffocate her. How about you just let her go out alone and you do your own thing on the weekends too. if she begins to protest and wants you there with her bring up the fact that she never hangs out with you anyway so why should you go with. She will either start going without you and will be happy having a great time with her friends or she will want you with her so baldy that she will start to pay more attention to you. Above all I think its sick that couples can't spend time alone. you are two separate people living your own lives together. So don't become one.
hope this rude awakening will help you get over your problems.
The Original Question and RomanceClass Answer
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