GF still loves ex-boyfriend...how to overcome jealousy?
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Male
My girlfriend was in a relationship for four years with a guy. That ended several months before we started dating...it's been nearly a year now. She's very honest with me and told me she wasn't over him yet and that she might even still be in love him. She insists she loves me and she wants a future with me, but she also insists on keeping her ex-boyfriend in her life. It's seeming to me that her feelings towards him aren't getting any weaker. It really hurts me to know that I'm sharing her heart, and makes me wildly jealous. I've thought about asking her to choose between me and him, but that's not fair to her.
It gets more complicated too. Her ex-boyfriend desperately wants her back and talks me down nearly every time they talk, or begs her to take him back, to which she doesn't defend me in most cases. Further, she usually insists on talking to him when I'm not around, which makes me worry about what she's saying that she doesn't want me to hear. She's also been secretive...not telling me always when they talk, and deleting the number from her phone.
I'm having trouble believing that the best way for her to get over her boyfriend is to continue this method of constant communication, because it doesn't seem to be working. But, she refuses to listen to any of my advice. Is there anything I can do to get over this situation?
User Submitted Advice from a 21-30 year old Male
I am sorry to hear that she is treating you that way.
U seem like you really care about her feelings, and at the same time afraid of losing her. My advice to you might sound a little cliche, but it always work, which I personally experienced before : If something is really yours let it go, if it turns back it is yours forever, if not, it was never yours to hold. Maybe you will loose her, but ask this to yourself, how healthy can your relationship be built on this kind of behaviour patterns of her? You should stand up, state your mind to her, be straight and ask for space, in which you will avoid or maybe ignore her, even it is painful for you. Make her realize what she had. She goes back to him, it will be only cause she feels lonely. In the end, it will never work with him neither. Then you will be the one wanted in the end. Do not lower your self respect by accepting the fact that you are on a pedastal of choosing. Make yourself the absolute answer, not one of her momentary choices. I hope you will find the strength inside to deal with this situation. I know it is hard to handle, and that is why I am wishing you best luck!!
The Original Question and RomanceClass Answer