"Why would he lie?"
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Male
I have been in a long distance relationship for 2 years 3 months now. In the beginning everything was great. We would see each other every other weekend. 7 months ago I found out that my gf had been cheating on my with a co-worker of hers. The relationship with the other guy i calculated was already going on for 7 months when i found out. I was of course hurt and depressed and did not know what to do with my life. I stopped talking to her for a week but in that week she would constantly call but i did not pick up the phone because of my hurt. She was crying and pleading that it was a mistake and that im the one she loved. After a week i finally picked up because deep down i truly loved her and wanted to make things work out so i gave her another chance. She told me that would tell the other guy that it was over between them and that they couldnt talk anymore which i truly believed that she did and it was over. Ok at this point were trying to move on. i was still very insecure at the times when she did not pick up her phone or did not call me when she said she would call. When things like that happened i would still constantly bring up that she was with the other guy and the reason she didnt call or pick up her phone. She would get angry and told me to stop bringing up his name because he was no longer in the picture but, i stiil kept bringing up his name and still assumed that it was never over..So this went on with me bringing up his name for another 8 more months.Things seemed normal because we saw each other even tho it wasnt still as much as like the beginning. She would give me excuses like she was sleeping or was mad at me for her not to pick up the phone but i was always saying she was either having sex with the other guy and was with him. So after catching her the 1st time, i have been always insecure and always worried, which i know is not a very healthy way to live. I did everything for this girl like buying anything she wanted and trying to take care of her financially. We always talked about getting married and having kids. I felt like i could not just throw everthing away and she was the one. I felt that her mom and family liked me. i even went to her sisters wedding and met her family and everytime i went to visit her we would take her mom to play bingo. Ok the way i caught her the first time was on the website MYSPACE.COM..her and other guy had pictures with each other and thats how i found out..after that he took off his profile for some reason..until last week when he put it back up...I of course found it again and clicked on it..For about a week it had nothing saying they were still in relationship. but one day last week when i checked it again, her picutre was up on his website again and saying he was currently in the longest relationship he's ever been in with his perfect gf JAN and loved it...It just slapped me across the face when i saw this..My heart was torn again and hurt more this time around than the 1st because i truly believed that it was over, and especially when she was just here to visit me like a week ago..It was a physical relationship we had from the start. So i went to work that day broken hearted and depressed.. She called me that morning at work like usual and the 1st thing i brought up with anger was why the hell is your picture and saying hes in his longest relationship ever with you back on his website..She then was telling me what the hell was i talkin about..So i told her to look at his website .So she did and was saying what the hell..So I asked her so it was never over between you guys?..You never ended it?..her reply with a quiet voice was "Why would he lie" and after she said that she just told me "just leave me alone" and hung up. So what do i do now???...iM hurt all over again and depressed..My life revolved around her..I left all my friends and only had her in my life other than family..i cant believe it was never over...So all the I love you'ss....was just a lie?..i dont know?..i spent too much money time and effort with this girl thinking she was going to be my wife and the mother of my kids...I feel decieved and betrayed..When she came here about 2 weeks ago we went to visit her sister and the sister was all telling me how much my sister loved me and she wanted us to get married...She probably knew i was getting played and knew it all along..How can she do this to me?...I cant sleep at night imaging her and the other together...and thinking how about if they get married and have kids which was suppose to be mine...PLEase Help?..what do i do if i never hear from her again?...
User Submitted Advice from a 21-30 year old Male
Don't be a wusss
Hello distraught reader
I read through your whole situation, twice. And all I can say is that you're being a wuss. There's no other way to put it. You're needy, clingy, over eager to please, "over" committed. Woman are not attracted to this type of behaviour. You let her control you, so she'll walk all over you if she had the chance. You had something going in the beginning, coz you said that the relationship was physical and grew into something else. I think that you probably liked this girl so much, that you didn't want her to leave, so... you did what you thought you should do to try and keep her. Which is the usual mistakes that most guys make, and that is to pamper her with gifts and suck up to her all the time and pretty much let her control you and give her whatever she wants. Now, when a guy does that, the girl doesn't see him as exciting anymore (as it was in the beginning) but rather, she see's that you're just like every other guy trying to "win" her heart, and you're now a "wuss". You're maybe perfect marriage material, but you're no longer the guy that makes her heart skip a beat.
I don't know much about the other guy, but he's probably more exciting, he has friends, he's not clingy, he's more interesting. That sounds a bit harsh, true, but that's what I see in you.
I believe in love, I am in love with someone amazing at the moment. But I'm not prepared to give up most of my life, and probably that's what she finds attractive in me (the fact that I have a life, no offense, but you gave yours up for her).
I can't change your world around for you, and give you what you want. But I can suggest this. You have to handle this part of your life, women. You put yourself in this situation, simply because you might be inexperienced with women and the emotions that go with serious relationships. It sounds like a really harsh thing to suggest, but you have to let her go. You need to move on with your life, and believe me, you will find love again. You just have to allow yourself to explore and find it. I say this, because I've been in exactly the same position that you're in now.
Phone her, tell her (as nicely as possible) that you're no longer interested in playing her games. You're moving on with your life, and you hope she finds happiness with her friend. She'll see the MAN in you, that you've taken control of your own life again and she'll respect that. The hard part is now to start moving on. Get some books about self-image, and maybe dating (be careful, some of them are useless). A brilliant book that I read that helped me tremendously was, "Double your Dating" by David De Angelo. I'm suggesting you try and turn a new leaf.
The Original Question and RomanceClass Answer