My Girlfriend Cheated on Me, Can I Trust Her?
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Male
i've been seeing my girlfriend for 8 months now and have never had any reason not to trust her because we had a very open relationship, but all of a sudden she became very secretive about text messages and phone calls she was getting.
So one day i looked at the text messages and found out she had been seeing someone behind my back. At first she denied it when i asked her if she had been seeing someone else but after me badgering her and telling her id seen the texts she admitted it. She told me she'd met him at a nightclub when she was out with her friends, got off with him exchanged numbers and then had a txt relationship for a couple of weeks and then arranged a date. She told me she got drunk on this date and slept with him, a week went by and they went out again but she said nothing happend this time, i found out about this a couple of days later.
She tells me she made a stupid mistake and she can't understsnd why she did it and it ment nothing to her, but if it was a mistake how come she slept with him then went out with him again? she has sent me a letter telling me how sorry she is and that she would do anything i want her to to make it upto me because she knows she was wrong and that she hates herself for betraying me. I love her and proberbly can forgive her in time but how can i be certain it wont happen again? how can i trust and believe in her anymore?
User Submitted Advice from a 21-30 year old Female
Can I trust her?
I think that the assesment is a little judgemental and biased. I have both been cheated and been cheated on. I can honestly say that it is never as simple as they just didn't care about you at all and your felings are but a whim. I am willing to say that there is always something wrong with a relationship when somone is even to the point of thinking of cheating. Mostly it's a lack of communication and true honesty on both parts.
My ex-fiance cheated on me 6 times, 2 of which I found out about during the relationship. I think that the first time it happend, it was probably a mistake, feeling vulnerable and insecure becuase our relationship was rocky, the second time could have even been the same, but after that I truly believe that his own interest and feelings came so much before mine that, he wasn't the kind of person I could be with. No one wants to be with somone who is completely self-involved, and disinterested in your emotions.
However, when I cheated on my boyfriend (strangely the next relationship I got into), I cheated on him many times as well. I feel, and these are purely my feelings about the matter, that the lack of an emotional connection and communication to express dismay with this, created the feeling within me that I wasn't even in a relationship with this man. That he was just a guy I saw from time to time, even though we had been dating for 5 months before I cheated on him.
It sounds to me that the girl you are with might not feel connected to you. If she is going to a club with the willingness to give out her number to people, and having elaberate text messages which she doesn't erase, doesn't sound to me like somone that relates to their partner as such, it doesn't sound like, apart from lying when you asked her initialy, that she was really trying to be that sneaky.
I guess my ultimate conclusion with this is, ask yourself a few things about her and your relationship. Can I trust her? Do I want to trust her (ie. be vulnerable to possible hurt again)? Is it worth more possible pain to try again? What needs to change in your relationship for it to work? And lastly, my advice is just talk to her and find out how both you and her feel about your relationship, past present, and future.
The Original Question and RomanceClass Answer