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His Ex is Back Again



We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.

Original Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
My boyfriend broke up with me and said it was not me, it was him. I just could not understand. When I went over to his place and knocked he came to the door and walked out, did not let me in. He said that someone was in his house. It was his first love. We were having problems before she ever entered the picture and she had only been around for 2 weeks before. They had not slept together at that time.

Long story long. We are back together, we saw each other the entire time he was seeing her. She did not know about me. He has worked through a lot of things in his life and wants to be with me. He told the other one the truth about everything and she has forgiven him and they are friends only.

It is me who has a problem with this. I asked for time and distance between them and he has done everything I have asked. In return he has asked that I try and deal with him being friends with her only. He has not seen her in 2 months and they have just resumed talking to each other on the phone again. Just the mention of her name sends me up and over. I have been reading and trying to deal with this, and feel at this point the problem is me.

Any advice?




User Submitted Advice from a 31-40 year old Female
Can't stand his friend


I'm in almost the same situation as you, except that his ex- was the one trying to win him back and did for 2 months. It was a bitter rivalry and in the end even though I won, I had suffer a lot emotionally. Long story short, he felt bad he had to break up with her and hurt her, but at the time of the love triangle I was just as hurt. It's been 18 months and she called right before X'mas to say everything is water under the bridge. He was happy that she forgave him and wanted to remain friends. I became very depressed but he couldn't understand why I can't let go of the past and accept that he can be friends with an ex. I went to see a therapist who knows about our history and she validated my feelings that I am not being overboard with jealousy. I had a bad run-in with this women and it is natural that I have bad feelings about her stayng in our life. As a couple, there is no friends that is just his friend or her friends. A friend would be our friend and therefore if you cannot stand this women, he should put your feelings and your relationship first. Thank god in the end my boyfriend understood where I was coming from and agreed that in this particular situation there is no way I can be friends with his ex given how much we hated each other or at least how much I hated her. After the therapy, I decided that if he doesn't value me and our relationship enough to let go of a "friendship" with an ex, than he is really not worth my love. Afterall, what kind of friendship does he expect to have with her, if I cannot be included in it.

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