I'm Dating a Married Woman and I'm Jealous
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 41-50 year old Male
I have recently been seeing a woman who is currently married but says she intends leaving him, we've been geting on well though i havent been able to see much of her because of her husband. The thing is years ago i was hurt by a woman who i was seeing, she wouldnt admit it and kept calling me jealous but after we finished i found out i'd been right and she had cheated on more than one occasion, i have had girlfriends since then and not been jealous but this new woman is very outgoing.
She tends to flirt with other friends etc, she says she is doing this to stop her husband thinking there is anything going on between us. I find i am very jealous over her, the fact that she is cheating on her husband with me is part of it i'm sure, also the way my ex cheated on me, but its got to the point now where i dont believe anything she's telling me. The other day i was supposed to meet her and when she told me no because a friend of hers was there i lost my temper, even to the point of trying to get her to get her friend to talk to me on the phone so i'd know it was a girl, not another man. She refused saying she shouldnt have to prove herself which i can understand but now i find myself always wondering if it really was her friend. I dont feel any jealousy towards her husband which is strange but feel jealous of just about everything else she does. We had made plans about going away together in a few months and her getting a divorce, but after this row we split up, now shes agreed to have me back on condition i stop this jealousy because she says she could never be with me permanently if it goes on.
I know shes right, if i cant control my jealousy i'll never be able to stay with her, even though i love her so much, i know i have low self-esteem, my ex made sure of that, and i think i'm lucky to have this new girl, even to the point i think shes too good for me. I know i'd get hurt a lot les if i let her go but i cant bring myself to do it. I need to get a hold of my jealousy, i have read your advice on
but cant see how this can help me. I cant get her to call me every hour etc because of her husband, it also doesnt help i cant see her for days on end because of my work. Please help, any advice would be appreciated.
User Submitted Advice from a 31-40 year old Female
I am going to be very blunt. This relationship is doomed. You are in lust over her. It cannot be a real relationship/friendship (which is most important) because there is no trust. She is playing games with everyone: you, her husband, the other men... I am not preaching, I have dated married men. Here is the policy I use: I will NEVER date a man who is not physically separted (moved out) from the home of any woman he ever slept with. This way, you are not helping anyone to cheat and have a much better grounds to develop the loving relationship that you deserve. If she is cheating on her husband, and has cheated before, what reason do you believe that she will not cheat on you when the mood strikes. When she does, I hope you know that it's not because of you; though your acceptance of her current cheating doesn't help at all, but it's her own lack of self esteem that makes her need to find someone else to feed her starving and insecure ego.
Try your best to let go of what your ex said or did, I know it's not easy. Most of our parents damaged us as children and adults will continue to attempt to belittle and berate us as long as we live - as long as we will let them. There is a saying, something like 'a person can only make you feel inferior if you let them'.
I would ask you to please do something for me and the world, for you DO make a difference. Go online and look up the poem Desiderata. Read it every day or whenever you need to.
The Original Question and RomanceClass Answer