I'm Extremely Jealousy
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
The problem i am having is that i am too jealous and have been for the past year and a half. Me and my partner have been together for 3 years and i have gradually got extremley worse. But it is getting to the point that my boyfriend is questioning our future together and not wanting to spend time with me. I feel i am jealous because i am scared of losing him but by being jealous we are drifting apart anyway. He feels we will always be this way now and i need to show him that i can be a different, better person. Is there anything i can do to get our relationship back on track and make him believe in me again.
User Submitted Advice from a 31-40 year old Female
Believe in yourself
Has jealousy been a problem for you in the past? Do you have a tendency to "catastrophize" -- like, to imagine in your mind, maybe as a random daydream, maybe thinking about something that could really happen? I ask because it sounds to me as though you might be using jealousy as a way to sabotage yourself and your relationship. One thing these advice columns never mention is that jealousy is natural, and having it on occasion is okay (if really uncomfortable). But if you take the normal jealousy and magnify it into some sickness, you can definitely ruin a relationship. Obviously you know all about that. Is it possible that some little part of you WANTS to ruin the relationship? Have past relationships not worked out so well -- do you want to skip to the end and get the misery over with? Did someone cheat on you before? Most people have a few exes, friends, etc. in their lives who really might be a "threat" to their boyfriend or girlfriend. You should check out your jealousy and see whether it relates to possible threats or if it's just all girls. I don't have the answer; I'm wrestling with jealousy issues myself, but not often and not badly. Something about how you describe this situation makes me think you're trying to subvert your own chances for happiness. Rather than worrying about "making him believe in" you again, maybe you should get down to the tough business of making yourself believe in you again. It may take therapy to do that. It does take time, energy, and money to try different counselors until you find someone who can help you, but it can change your life. A good therapist could certainly help you with this issue. Your boyfriend might also be impressed to hear that you had taken that step. It would show you are taking this issue seriously and that you really want to change.
The Original Question and RomanceClass Answer