I'm Trying Not to Be Jealous
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
I want to not be jealous anymore. My boyfriend never gives me any reason to be jealous or to fear that he will cheat on me. He tells me that I'm all that he looks for and wants, and he tells me I'm beautiful but I still am jealous of other girls. They can be strangers, girls that aren't even his friends, but friends of his friends that are hanging out around him, or my own friends, I will become very jealous. This is breaking up our relationship...my jealousy and complaining over everything I see that bothers me is the reason why we're on a break right now.
I know I shouldn't be jealous--I can't back up my jealousy with anything that he has done. Part of me feels that my jealousy is due to my past boyfriend. I was with him for a year and a half and in the beginning, I never once thought that he'd cheat on me. I never had a problem with him going out, I'd never worry. He had told me how much I meant to him and I believed it. But 3 months into our relationship, he cheated on me, and things went downhill..I broke up with him and I had found out from him that he had recently cheated on me again.
Fears of the past becoming the present cloud my mind. I trust my boyfriend, but I still get jealous. I got jealous over him letting a girlfriend of mine borrow something that he didn't let me borrow. I don't know what to do.
How Do I stop being so jealous when there really isn't any reason for me to be jealous???
User Submitted Advice from a 31-40 year old Female
No advice for jealousy
I hope this works out for you. I'm having some jealousy problems, too, and my three most significant life relationships have all caused me to be jealous at some time or other. (All the other relationships? No jealousy at all.) The experts say it's because we're insecure, but they don't explain how the hell you're supposed to magically stop being insecure. My boyfriend just hid an email and turned the computer screen from me as I walked into the room, which is not his usual way of acting, then casually said, "Violet says hello." Violet is a much younger, prettier co-worker of his that I used to be jealous of for no particular reason -- other than that she was young, pretty, and they'd go to lunch and work together. She has since moved away. I hate this! Even if they are flirting via email, who cares? He and I have a gorgeous relationship; I can't actually think of any problems beyond my occasional and random flashes of jealousy. I flirt, too, and never take it beyond being innocent and silly. I feel like I am not only insecure and stupid and lame, but wanting to put a double standard on things. It's also driving me crazy because I can't say anything to him about it. Usually if something bothers me, I tell him outright, and our communication is part of why our relationship is so good. But this is just ridiculous -- what am I going to say, "You should show me all yoru private emails?" That's insane! I have been going all over the Internet looking for advice about jealousy. What I've discovered so far is that no one has any good advice. If anyone finds some, post links for the rest of us.
The Original Question and RomanceClass Answer