Her husband calls her fat, but she isn't
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
Hello I am a 19 Year old wife I got married at the age of 18 My husband is in the navy And we just moved to a really small town I got a job in a gym And currently work out everyday well for a while now he's been calling me fat and ugly I am only 5'5 and weigh 135ilbs I am not at all fat and guys come and try to talk to me all the time I just ignore them but If some one is constatly calling u fat and ugly after a while You start thinking that I don't know what to I am gettting depressed and really is starting to think that I am fat even though I am not!!!
thank you for taking the time to read my email Thank you, Lonely
User Submitted Advice from a 21-30 year old Female
Run, girl, run!
I am in the same boat, only I weigh only 110 lbs on a small 5'5" frame and my husband calls me fat, pear-shaped, soft, whatever. He wants me to have zero percent body fat and weigh 98 pounds, like I did when we got married. I am so sick of him after 4 years, SO SICK that I have to battle depression on a weekly basis. I used to fantasize about killing myself, but now I find myself fantasizing about strangling him or other really violent things I would do to him if it wasn't real.
I will divorce him, it's only a matter of time. This man doesn't love me, he doesn't care about my feelings at all and he is truly sick in the head. It doesn't matter that I look in the mirror and see my own imperfections, a husband is never supposed to say stuff like that. It's just wrong. It is uncaring, and it is controlling and abusive.
I used to be crushed and my self esteem would be non-existent, but not anymore. I am now exercising for myself, not for him. It is none of his f****ing business what I do with my body, I'm taking back my territory and he needs to back off cause what he is doing is not only creepy, it actually makes me wanna binge instead of feel healthy and happy. He is totally sabotaging me by making me the most unhappy girl in the world, the perfect mood to just give up and stuff my face! He must not be very smart.
Even when I weighed 98 pounds he would 'monitor' me and tell me I couldn't have chocolate. It isn't normal, believe me.
I don't even think I will ever let him sexually touch my body anymore (don't worry I have a vibrator). He thinks a beautiful female body is the most amazing thing about life or about a girl. I mean, I feel sorry for him. He is a hollow shell. I have so much more to offer but he will NEVER see it, no matter how long I wait or how hard I will try. Men are only respectful and caring when their penis needs relief. I reject the idea of just being a sex object. Don't get me wrong, I love to be attractive and sexy, but I have so much more to offer than just physical and visual pleasure. By the way, I still look great, it's not even like I'm ugly now, just not a waif.
I am a beautiful girl and I have a body that most women would love to have... (I wear a size 2 pants now instead of a negative zero... go figure). I care more about my soul and my health than to starve myself to please a guy who really doesn't even deserve me. He doesn't deserve me cause I'm a sweet, intelligent, loyal, funny girl and he is a selfish and cold creep. It took me 4 years to see the truth.
I could keep talking about this, but all I wanna say is: You don't have to live like this, it is not normal. Your husband is abusive. Compliments on my looks don't mean anything to me anymore, because I'm afraid that guys will only want me for my body but if I gain a few pounds they will not respect my feelings. It is not even about the extra pounds honey, you are in charge, you are in control of your life and your body, and it doesn't make it ok for him to hurt your feelings or to criticise or comment on your body!!! Don't let him hurt your feelings like that. He has no right and besides, he is supposed to be afraid to lose your affection by being an asshole. Marriage is tough that way, cause it is supposed to mean so much, but really, if he was just your boyfriend, wouldn't you already have ditched the creep?
Please believe that even though we are not always perfect (nobody is), we still are deserving of so much more love and sensitive consideration. Soul over Body.
I will be skinny soon again, but this time I hate my husband and he will never have me again. he doesn't seem to realize that, even though I will look hot again, I will still have the wounds inside of me from him breaking my heart. It has changed me and I will never feel the same about him, no matter how much I would like to, it ain't gonna happen and I see that now.
I don't care about his approval or his control. I love myself, I am free. I don't think I'll ever get married again. I just want to have friends, family, loving people around me who can love me unconditionally.
The worst thing someone can do to a girl is criticize her on her body. Most girls/women know their own flaws, they don't need to have them rubbed in their face at random and unfortunate times, like someone putting you on a spot or putting a mirror in front of you and going like: don't you see how fat you are'... That's just wrong. It can totally distort your self image. You can't be pretty if you come from an unhappy place either, or if someone demands you to be a certain way.
O ya, and my husband won't even stop when I cry. DING DING, ABUSE!! It has turned me into a verbally abusive person myself, and I'm not proud of it, but it seems to be a way for me to stand up for myself and express my anger, and to learn to deal with this pain. I used to look in the mirror and think: he hurts me but he is right, I AM fat. Well was I ever wrong... It isn't even about that, there is no way his behavior and hurtful comments can be justified, no matter how fat you are!!! I finally figured that out too. But the most shocking thing for me was that I truly wasn't fat but I was underweight. That made it even more crazy. He drove me nuts. RUN girl, RUN!!
Love and Strength, sister LOVE
The Original Question and RomanceClass Answer