Jealous Over an Ex
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Male
I am engaged to be married this summer. I have been with my fiance for just over 7 months. She has volunteered information about her past sexual experiences which are very mild in my opinion in terms of the number of partners and experience etc. I have not asked a lot of questions, because I know how those conversations go and what's the use really.
My issue is this: A week or so before we went out for the first time, she slept with one of her good friends and co-workers. She works part time at a bar. Even though this encounter had little meaning according to her, I cannot get it out of my head. One, she doesn't sleep around (lost her virginity at 22 and she is only 24. she has been with 3 other people and me) Two, she told me that they had sex twice and that both times they were drunk. ( She doesn't drink. In 7 months I have seen her drink more than 1 of anything never, and she told me that she had been drunk twice in her life.) Also, about two weeks after we started seeing each other, she went out for her birthday and wound up at her apartment with this guy and another girlfriend and they were there until 6am. She says nothing happened and that she was crazy about me then anyway. I found this out much later when I found out that she had slept with this guy. Keep in mind that all of this is totally out of charachter for her.
Every time she goes to work at the bar, or I go up there, or I hear this guys name, or I see him, I just start obsessing about the night of her birthday and that night she slept with him (which happens to be 1 year to the day of the rehearsal dinner for our wedding) and wondering what it was like. Stupid stuff, I know, but was he better, bigger, more exciting...etc. I'm laughing at myself somewhat just reading this, but I found out about this over 3 months ago and still cannot let it go. If I talk about these fears and concerns with her, I will not get the truth I feel, but just what she thinks I want to hear, so how do I move forward still wondering if I am falling short of some sexual experience she had that I can't live up to or surpass, and has she been totally honest with me? I have trust for her, but not to the extent that if something happened the night of her birthday after we started seeing each other that she would tell me about it knowing it would crush me. Should it matter? How can I know the real deal? I feel like I am going crazy sometimes.
User Submitted Advice from a 21-30 year old Female
Get the truth
Hey:) First of all, I want you to know that I completely understand where you are coming from. I think about the same things, and I just can't seem to let them go. But my situation is a tad bit different than yours. With your situation, I would definitely talk to her and make SURE that she's telling the truth BEFORE you marry her because it's obviously important to you. And trust me, you'll still wonder when you get married UNLESS you figure out how to let it go... but unanswered questions... or situations that plain old don't make sense are the quesions and situations that stay in our minds until they do make sense. If something doesn't make sense in your relationship with your Fiance'... Talk to her about it... even if it does cause a fight. If she loves you enough, she will understand... hopefully right away and if not, she will eventually. It's worth it to get your feelings out and it's worth it to find out the truth because then you know exactly how to feel. If she was lying, you have the right to feel angry, and if she was telling the truth, then you know what happened and you can decide on your feelings from there (over time). Keep in mind, that I am one of those people who has been in some pretty bad situations with relationships and now that I have learned to speak up and and say what I think or question things in the right way, I am in a completely happy relationship. Sure we have our fights, but we don't continue to think about most of our arguements because we both get our feelings out. Don't let her hold you back... if you want the truth, then get the truth... don't fall into a hole. Good luck to you!:)
The Original Question and RomanceClass Answer