I am not the type of person that just hooks up with people for the sake of "getting ass"
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Male
My girlfriend that i currently am with, is named XXXX who is 20 years old about to turn 21 SOON. I'm 22 years old, two year older. Here is a little background about her before i get into my problems with her:
What I know about her and her past relationships.
A lot of her older relationships have gone sour. Most of her bf's right at first seem so caring and loving at first but end up being abusive and hurting her bad. XXX was probably her longest 6 years off and on. She has dated lots of guys and has slept with many of them, and she has admitted to me that she has a tendency to always go to lots of guys as comfort and for love to get over her hurt from one already. She also drinks alot to make her feel better. She has had a guy almost rape her. He took her out to his house. He kept going after her and she kept saying no. There is one guy that has been in her life for some time, XXX. he is currently over in Iraq with the war. This guy supposely has never treated her bad. She has some feelings for him. She has put off lots of relationships because of HIM, but she couldn't with me, because she says she really likes me. She has liked me since high school, always has had a crush on me. She has a stack of letters from him that she keeps. She talks to him on the phone, I think its like once every weekend. She has mentioned to me that, when he comes home from Iraq, he will be home for about 2 months, and then off to California. He cares about her a lot and is wanting her to move with him to California, and wants to marry her and start a life with her. She has mentioned to me that she isn't crazy about all that. She feels right now that if we remain together through all this time, and he comes home from Iraq, that she feels that she would still want to be with me, but she is going to hang out with him. Maybe go out dancing or bowling with him or whatever, basically hanging out with him because he is a good friend and she likes him alot. I asked her, do you think you would be intimate with him, or kiss him, (because to me that would be wrong for her to do to him if she doesn't want to be with him instead with me.) She said no. She has said that the last thing she wants to do right now though is write to him over in Iraq and tell him that she has a boyfriend, she feels it would break his heart and with him being over there, that isn't a good time for one mans heart to be broken. (which I agree).
Right now, and she has said this to me, There are things that scare her. She is afraid to get hurt again by being with me. She is afraid that I will turn into her old boyfriends and hurt her the way they have done to her. She doesn't trust me, and it is always going to be hard for her to trust anyone she is with until at least about 5 or 7 months into the relationship, and I don't come off like her old bf's and treat her like crap.
A litte bit about myself, and my past relationships leading into this one with XXXXX up till the present:
In my past I have only really dated two girls, so two serious relationships. One in my Junior year of high school, which wasn't real good. The second when I was a senior in high school. That was pretty special, got together in february, finally was intimate with each other when we both seemed to be in love with each other at prom in may. We broke up in July, we started fighting a lot about stupid stuff. She broke up with me, and she still really liked me, but the fact that I was about to go away to college in a town 3 hours away, and she was still in high school about to start her senior year, the long distance relationship, just wouldn't work out. I was really heart broken about this, I was willing to stay together and work it out, like I always am. It took about a year to get over it, my whole freshman year of college. when i finally did and had no feelings for anyone, it was the best feeling in the world, not caring about
someone. I was happy again and I liked it. All I wanted to do was hang out with my friends and just party and not worry about relationships. I never cared to start one down at college, because a girl I liked maybe wasn't from my hometown XXXX and I didn't want to put up with the (as soon as I graduate, i'll be moving back to XXXX, and what will she be doing type senarios.) or whenever I went back home for breaks, I didn't want to start something with anyone there, because I didn't want the long distance relationship.
But as I got closer to graduating, I became closer to XXXX. We would hanging out a lot whenever I came home from school. We would somewhat kiss each other a lot and flirt a lot. Almost like friends with benefits. I like lots of girls, but that was it, just a like. No real feelings or anything. It was easy for me to be around XXXXX to.
She would call me all the time, actually want to be with me, etc.... I rarely get that attention from someone that I like a lot. she makes me feel loved and that someone actually wants to be with me. It almost got to the point where as soon as I came home from school, we hung out like very day.
She called me everyday and wanted to see me. She would buy me some candy and get herself some Dale Earnhardt jr tank top to wear because that is my fav. driver in NASCAR and she kind of likes him as well. She also loves the same music group that I do, which is awesome, so things fall into place really well with her. She likes things that I like. I start to feel overwhelmed, because I hadn't had that in 4 years, being around a girl all the time, seeing someone every day. I got so adapted to being single and doing things by myself when not having a gf, to actually doing things with one or with a girl in general. I loved hanging out with her and it was hard to say no to her.
I can easily let her kiss me or whatever and not even feel like stopping her. Which is something that I can do when I don't like someone. I am not the type of person that just hooks up with people for the sake of "getting ass" I have to like someone a lot before doing anything with someone. Which is why I have only slept with one person, well now two, XXXX, which I did later on, after being officially togther. I felt like things were moving to fast. After a week, that came out in a conversation with
her. Because I was afraid of getting hurt. In the past, I was always dumped, I never broke off any of my relationships, the girl always broke it off with me. XXXX, who has admitted comes off very flirtacious with guys, and she doesnt' even know it. I see her very flirtacious with guys all the time, and I feel like all she wants is to hook up with people. So I was very cautious, and was wondering does she really like me, or does she want to just hook up and have her needs satisfied. After hearing about her past, and how much she likes me, I realized that, okay, I think that maybe I can move forward and allow myself to open up to her. She seems to really like me. She talks
about how she wants a guy to not hurt her and is wanting a long term relationship that may lead to marriage etc... She got real emotional that I mentioned that we should slow down. Because even before the big week of us hanging out together I mentioned to her that I just wanted to date people and see who I liked and didn't like etc.. She seemed fine with it all, but didn't after a week. All of a sudden she was hoping we would move faster and thought that we should be together.
Well all of a sudden she took her job back up at Ford, where she works on the assembly line. Her hours are the complete opposite of mine. I work xxxxx from x:30 to x:30, she works from x to x. She only is working the month of xxxx, and a little in xxxx until her college classes start back up. So this is the last week of her working. When she worked, I no longer got to see her everyday like I did during the week, where I felt like things were going to fast, and to be honest I missed it terribly. I realized how much I liked hanging out with her, and I start to make my mind up that, that is what I want. To be bf and gf with her. I realized that I liked hanging out with her all the time, and I wanted that, and didn't care about my free time alone anymore, like when i was single. I asked her and she said yes. So we are bf and gf now. We have been for about 3 weeks. We have been intimate now, we've slept together, which probably wasn't the smart thing, but it's easy to jump into that when
you have already had your first. All last week, she didn't have to work at Ford, because she hurt her eye and couldn't work. So we got to see each other. The week before that she did have to work. Every now and then we bicker about little things. We did a lot when she worked every day during that week before, and I work all the time now anyway, i'm out of school and in the real world now. I noticed that our relationship was on the phone or text messaging each other and we would fight a lot over little things. For instance, out of the blue, she would start it, like it seems all of them, by text messaging me stating.. "A guy from work really pissed me off, stating that I look fat and that I need to suck in my cut because it's big, and i'm sure you feel the same way. I dont' know if i will call you tonight on my break at X, because i'm real upset."
That right there brought negativity in the relationship that I didn't need. And I never know how to handle those things either. In response I tried saying, well that guy is a jerk and don't listen to him. Dont' worry about it cheer up and be happy, it is not a big deal. (I'm just trying to cheer her up, because she already hates her job, she hates working there, she helps build cars in about 120 degree heat and I just know she hates it, but she gets paid really well and she needs the money.)
She replys back, "well since you didn't state otherwise, I guess you agree with him, so I'm going to go back to my eating disorders. My mom and family tells me all the time that I am fat, I am fatter right now then I have ever been, and now I'm hearing it from people at work, so it really upsets me."
I just try and say the the right things or try not to make her upset even more, but I feel like I fail at that. I just simply told her that, i think the reason why we are fighting a lot is because works sucks, you (XXXX) doesn't want to be there, we don't get to see each other until the weekend, and I feel that is the reason why we are both crabby with each other. I said I can't wait till she isn't on that schedule in XXXX and we can see other like we did when I first came home from school. I just simpy stated that not seeing each other and hating that and working, is making us crabby and we are being crabby with each other becasue of that. She seem to agree with that. well, with her eye getting hurt, we were able to see each other all the time again, that next week. She couldn't work. Right when I get home from work, I would call her and go over to her house and see her. I took her to the doctor, I took really good care of her, she really appreciated all that and loved it. She got me some candy
and card telling me thanks and that she is really glad that we are together. She text messages me a lot everyday with "I miss u, can't wait to see you. i wish we were together right now, love u! xoxoxoxo. She does that a lot and that really means a lot to me. She is showing that she really cares about me and every day my feelings become stronger and stronger for her. Everything was getting really good. There are things that annoy her somewhat which I will tell you below later. But we were really getting into each other seriously. She brings up things like, if we were to get married would you do this... or that.... just as an FYI, because she knows what will make her happy later in life, so it makes me think that she is really serious into me. Well last friday, I really pissed her off. To start if off, she went back to work that one day on friday so i didn't get to see her until she got off. As soon as she got off and wanted me to take her to my house she starts telling me this story about one of her friends at work talking about how they were interested in having a group organism with us. The way it she started it off, it sounded like she liked the idea, because she is buzzing already, because after work she likes to drink with her friends afterwards etc... so she is in that "mood" you know. But before actually waiting to hear what all she had to say....I jumped to that assumption stopped the car immediately and said like.."i know where this is going and no, no, no, no, i am not into that and I can't believe you are telling me this, etc.. She got all mad, which I admit, she should have, i should have let her finish and I shouldn't have gotten all mad like that. It's just that I am not into that thing and I felt like she was going to be too wild for me. but she just said something like if you would let me finish I would have told you that I turned it down and that I can't believe they would even think that. So that didn't start the night off to well, because it sparked other little things, but we dropped it right away, but it made her feel like she now wish she wasn't hanging out with me, but instead back with her work friends, because we got into an argument and stuff. But she said she did really wanted to see me. Well later, after that, we are just lying down at my house and she starts mentioning to me, (she is upset a little to still, i can tell) she says do you think we are moving to fast????
That caught me by surprise by how she was wanting things to move fast a few weeks ago and I didn't. I was just like I don't know. We got into talk seriously again about her past and stuff. She mentioned that she doesn't trust me because of her last bf's and she got into mike (from Iraq) again a little about how he is the only one that has treated her well. And she is afraid that I won't be like him but more like her other bf's. While talking to me about all this, she mentions that she does have some feelings for him, after I just asked her if she did. when she said yes, i got real emotional, and blew up, crying wise etc... Because over the past few weeks, I have really grown to like her A LOT!!! I have deep feelings for her, and I started to feel like I would have my heart broken again, and I don't want that. By cutting her off and telling her all this and not allowing her to finish really, really pist her off. For one, i never allowed her to finish what she was saying and let her continue about ZXXX and how she felt about me. It really made her mad and she didn't want to be around me anymore. So she asked me to just take her home for the night and by this time it was already about 3:30 in the morning. At first I wouldn't take her home and I kept trying to get her to talk to me and kept pushing her to talk instead of letting it go. I would try and keep her from walking away from me by hugging her and hold her so she wouldn't walk away. Finally,I took her home, and i asked her, well can i call you tomorrow and she was like if you want to, you can around noon. her attitude was very distant, like i could tell she was very upset and I thought she ended our relationship, because she kept going on about how she doesn't think she can handle all this and doesn't think she wants to be involved with me anymore etc... I went back home and cried for about an hour because I thought I lost her. I don't know what it is, but I have really started to care for her and wish that she didn't have feelings for anyone else but me. And it really hurts me knowing that she is scared to be with me, because doesn't want me to be like her other bf's, etc... Which I know in my heart I wouldn't ever hit her or whatever that isn't me, but I know she doesn't know that.
The next day on sat. i called her up, and i asked her how her morning went and all she had mentioned that she didn't feel all good, she did mention that she talked to mike this morning etc... At this point after last night, I had realized some of the things that I have been doing wrong. Getting all upset to quickly and just not letting things go and just not listening, so now I am working on myself and I know a lot more clearer on how she is and what upsets her. I feel like i'm too sensitive and I need to work on that. I didn't at all get mad at her for talking to him, i was like well thats good, etc... She was like i'm still so mad at you for how I was last night. I asked her what she was doing for the day and she said nothing. I asked if she wanted to do something, she said I guess that would be fine. She asked me what I wanted to do and I said whatever, it doesn't matter to me I just want to be with you. She wanted to go to the zoo so we did. After that we back to her house, had dinner with her family. Watched tv till about 11:00 pm. Then went back to my house and watched a movie, talk to my
parents a little while, it seemed to be very nice. It made me feel better because she was willing to still be with him, and I didn't feel like the relatiohship was over.
She didn't feel good because her stomach was hurting her pretty bad, so she wasn't really talkative and into the moment, but she seemed alright. I just tried as much as I could to comfort her and make her feel better. The next day on Sunday she called me after her going to church, i was just waking up.
she mentioned that she didn't mind watching the Nascar race with me over at our friend XXXX's house. So she said she would meet me over there. It was fun, she felt like i was more into the race then her, which is weird because i felt the opposite. Sometimes she seemed like she didn't care for me to sit by her or talk to her, other times she did. (I think she was still mad at me, which she admits later that night). Towards the end she seemed like something was wrong with her, she finally told me that she didn't feel good, her stomach hurt and that her mom was suppose to call her and tell her about dinner and she hasn't yet. It's about 5 oclock at this time. I asked her what she wanted to do with me, because after tonight, i won't get to see her until next week..(sat.) because of her working and so will I everyday. She said that usually on sundays though dinner is for the family only so i was like okay, just give me a call after it. and we'll meet up and see each other then. I ended up calling her around X:45- X:00 and she said she had to go up kmart real quick to get some stuff and then i can meet her at her house, so i did and we hung out watched tv with her mom and dad till about XX:00, then I had to start leaving. Walking outside to my car, we started to talk. Well I started to talk. She was like whats wrong with you? I was being quiet, and i was just like i'm going to miss you all week, etc... I said something like I want to say something to you, but i dont' think you would say in return. (meaning i love you) So i wanted her to talk serious to me, because I was curious to know how she really feels about me etc.. Because I told her that I care about her a lot and she knows how much I like her, but i needed to know how she felt about me. I Especially wanted her to finish want she didn't get to say on friday when talking about XXXXX. She was like well i can't really get into all that now, because I really don't remember at this moment how or what all I was going to say. But she started to get into things that bothered her about me, she basically told me that she really likes me, but that is all. She mentioned that apart of her is still really mad at me for friday night. These are a lot of the things I found out about her, that I do that really annoys her or upsets her: Things that annoy her, or bother her, or things that she demands!
- Close your eyes when you kiss her.
- Don't manch down on your food or gum, chew with mouth close.
- She doesn't like how pissed off you get when Jr doesn't do well. She is afraid that it would rub off onto her.
- She is real big on how you treat your mom. However I would treat my mom, she feels is how I would treat my wife.
- She wants me to be more tough, for instance play with the dog don't be like eeewwwww slobber gross!!(in a whiney voice). Play with it and not care about the slobber. You can whipe it off, but don't like pull away and act all scared. (the thing though is this, I never grew up with a dog, so being around them makes me feel uncormfortable. I don't like when they jump on me and lick me etc... it is a lot to take in when your never around it.)
- She was scared to ask to leave during the nascar race at any time. She feels like i would get so upset and that I'm more into that then her or family obligations. So I should be willing to not care so muct, and taping races would be better than watching them live. She would like to know that I'm willing to tape the Pepsi 400 this weekend instead of watching it live, because doing stuff with the family or kids is more important. She already told me that she isn't going to watch the race this weekend.
- Let her talk don't ever interrupt when she is talking. just listen!! Don't cut in to what she is saying.
- Don't talk to people about our relationship. You should always just talk to her first! (and only.)
- Never talk crap on her, or insult her in any way. Ex. 1 When you make a sarcastic remark(s) about Luke over spring break. Ex. 2 saying things like.."I feel like I'm talking to brick wall."
- She is real big on my language. No cussing around her family etc.. Even though I don't, I do it alot when it is just us or our friends, and she is scared it will eventually be like that in the future.
- She doesn't like the fidgiting, just stand or sit there calmly when talking, etc.. Don't fittle with your keys, phone, or change in pocket, or even bounce your leg around.
- She is very religious. She is baptist and I'm catholic. She has told me that her husband in the future if not baptist already, must convert to it. The kids will also be raised baptist and no other. Doesn't want the conflicting religion, which i understand. Church every sunday with the family.
- She doesn't like: She keeps asking me "what you wanna do?" and I reply with " what ever you wanna do". She wants me to just take charge and make a decision. Me making decisions is what matters.
my overall thoughts:
Now even though that is a list that is pretty long, I'm sure it's just a bunch of little things that all get bottled up and is why it is such a big deal. I'm sure if it was only a thing here or there, then it would be such a big deal. She has said that there are some things that she can improve on herself so that is a plus but.
I feel like that my needs don't really matter to her at all. I feel like she has to have everything go her way and that is how it should be. I've told her that I don't get into relationships if I have feelings for other people. For instance, if i'm hurt by one relationship that just ended, i don't jump into another one for comfort. I deal with it and get over it, before moving on with someone else. I need closure for me to feel like well its over, and I need to move on. She seemed to not be like that, like how I described above.
She seems to get very jealous easily. A girl would call me, and it is someone that she doesn't even have to worry about because I don't particular care for this person to even be calling me, in fact I dont' even like it one bit, but I'm not going to be rude and tell the person off. She would be with me and hear the phone ring and she would get mad at that or she would question me, well who is that? etc..., when she is the one that actually has someone, like XXXXX in her life. Plus, she doesn't have to many girl friends. She has lots of guy friends. I feel like she can do whatever she wants, and talk to whomever she wants, but I can't, even though, what I do is nothing compared to her. She would even get upset that I went to Hooters on my lunch break with some guys from work. Just little stuff overall that I feel she gets mad over or is just nit picking at me for. I dont' get it. It's like I really have to try hard to not be me and not be relaxed, but instead always be thinking, don't do this or don't do that tonight while over her house, she might get annoyed or whatever. She has said to me that she is looking for that perfect relationship, when i know that no one out there in the world is PERFECT for her. She disagrees because she see's her grandparents and she tells me that there relationship is perfect. THEY NEVER FIGHT, they are perfectly compatible, and everyday they love each other more and more. They love each other 10 times more then when they got married 40 years ago or whatever, how do I deal with that?
Overall, we are still talking and still together, it seems like things are going fine right now, she doesn't seem mad at me anymore. I wasn't going to call her today (monday) since i thought she needed space and a break, but she ended up calling me at work when she felt that I wasn't going to call. She still calls me and comes to me, i know she likes me a lot, i think she would just like to shape me better into that "perfect" person for her, i don't know. but i'm just taking it day by day and working
on some things that I can do to not annoy her so much and hope that we can become happier. So far, other then all those minor things I have discussed, things have been good and I'm happy, I just hope she becomes happier. I feel like she isn't and things that I do makes her unhappy. I just want to make her happy, I'm very caring like that, and want that more then anything. I know this was very long, sorry, but any suggestions would be great.
User Submitted Advice from a 21-30 year old Female
forget this girl
Look guy, you need to forget about this girl. If she's unhappy now that will never go away...trust me I was just the unhappy girl in my relationship and I had to break my boyfriends heart after four years. It was awful. Relationships shoiuld be for the most part and easy thing if you ask me expecially if it's a lifelong connection. Move on and you'll be happy with someone else someday and you'll see that things will be so much better with someone else.
The Original Question and RomanceClass Answer