He Posted Profiles on Sex Sites
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 41-50 year old Female
I just found out that last year my husband attempted to cheat on me. I found some e-mail that he had printed out from a woman who he met on one of those adult friend sites. He told me that he did go to meet up with her for sex, but backed out last minuet. He said he couldnít get aroused, b/c it didnít feel right and he had to get out of there. I donít know if I believe that. I also thing that just b/c he told me that he couldnít do it, he technically still cheated on me!
After doing some investigating, I found that he had posted some profiles on those sites, looking for sexual partners. I confronted him about that, and he said that he was just ďcuriousĒ and wanted to see what would happen. Since we have been married (almost 4 years) we have had major ups and downs. We do love each other very much, but he is a bit more self-destructive. He explained to me that at the time he was not happy with himself b/c he was in-between jobs and we were fighting all the time. I donít know if it is immaturity that made him do that.
Since then he has been working very hard at his career and done a lot of soul searching and growing up. I just donít get it. I do want to be with him and this incident, in a way has brought us closer, but I truly donít believe I deserve to be in a relationship where someone has been unfaithful and disrespectful towards me. How do I overcome this with him? I am also scared that if things get bad again he will pull the same crap again. I donít want to be his doormat. Why does he get to decide when it is time for a good marriage? How can he betray me like that? What can I do to get over this and be happy again?
User Submitted Advice from a 31-40 year old Female
Can't make anyone chanage
Oh how I feel for you. I met my bf (or possibly EX now) on one of those sites. We've been together for nearly a year and a half. Everytime we've had some sort of conflict, he has been back on those sites. And maybe even when we were okay, because I'd just happen to use the computer and the sites would pop up. Or, when I'd feel like something was not right, I'd check & there he would be, a profile indicating he was single and looking for a LTR. He even had the audacity to get a female friend (who he said liked him - so I never felt good about her) to write a profile for him!
It could be he has an online addiction. I believe my guy has one. He won't get help. I suggested therapy as well - for his addiction, as well as the two of us. And he did meet a few women (actually, he even went for a tranny!) on these sites. He claims he never cheated with his body. Bottomline, he cheated!!! And so did your guy!
I told him I wouldn't see him until we meet in the therapist's office. You are married so it's more difficult. But you don't deserve to be taken advantage of, nor do I. You will know if you need to leave him & only you will know when. Maybe he will decide the marriage is important and will go to counseling with you. If not, you can't make anyone change, and for your own sanity, perhaps leaving him and making him someone else's problem would be best for YOU!!!! (Easy to say, hard to do, I know, I am having withdrawals and feeling very depressed about my own situation, as I type this.) Good luck!!!
The Original Question and RomanceClass Answer