Trust after Cheating
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
I am a couple of months into my relationship with my boyfriend he cheated on me with his ex-girlfriend. We were having problems at the time and had actually " broken up" for the weekend. I did not find out until over a year and half later. I found b/c it turned out that she had his child. He and I had broken up a little over a month before he told me the news. We broke up b/c he was pusing me away trying to find all these problems in our relationship. I didn't understand what was going on at the time. He would tell me that he loved me, but when I would talk about getting back together he would say it couldn't work for us..... Now I understand
Eventually he broke down and told me.. saying things like if i could forgive this he would do anything for me, it was the biggest mistake of his life, it was a one time thing and on and on.
He said he knew she was pregnant but she told him that it wasn't his. She intially told her boyfreind it was his son, but he wanted a dna test and it turned out it wasn't his. That's when my boyfriend was ordered to take a DNA test. When he told me, I told him that it was over .... he gave it some time and then kept calling, After a month i I saw him a couple of times and thought maybe we could work it out.. but every time the phone rang i would immediately freak out thinking it was some girl that he was cheating on me with.
I told him it wouldn't work and went out of town for a while. He kept calling, kept putting himself out there, saying he would do anything to make the relationship work. So eventually i made the decision to try. He has been really patient with me and making a real effort to get my trust back.
It is working well, we are getting along great and I am more in love with him than ever, He even asked me to move in with him, which I am not ready to do yet. My problem is that I am afraid not to spend time with him b/c i think he will find somone else when we are not together. It is causing the other relationships in my life to fall apart b/c i spend most of my time with him.
So I guess my question is after somone cheats can the trust be regained? If so how? There is also the question of his son, whom I have spent time with and think is wonderful. I do have issues knowing his ex- has given him somthing I have not. Also when I wasn't in the picture his ex allowed him to spend as much time with his son as he wanted, now that I am back in the picture she won't even return his phone calls.
I probably come across as somone that should be on Jerry Springer. However, I am college graduate and actually quite sucessful. i want to make it work but is it just too much to deal with? I have also always been a jealous person, not to this degree but always have had issues with feeling I wasn't good enough
User Submitted Advice from a 21-30 year old Female
Do what makes you happy
My advice is to this person is you have to ask yourself, what can you live with. If you think that your a person that can forgive and forget then it is possible to make that relationship work. If you can't forget what he has done then you should move on and try to start a new life, because no matter how much you may love him, you can't have a true loving relationship without trust. I myself, was in a relationship where I was head over heals in love with a man who used to say, "when we take our vows" and then I caught him in bed with another woman. A man that said he loved me and talked about marriage. Later on I found out that there were many other women besides that one. The humiliation and embarrassment he caused me I just could not live with. He begged me back a month later and told me that he missed me, but I told him that no matter how much I loved him, all I could think about was him with another women and how much he hurt me. He was engaged three months after our break-up to someone he barely knew. I was at first devestated, but then I realized I was the lucky one because I could find someone that wouldn't do that to me and make me feel so low and vunerable. You can find that too! I don't know why men sometimes feed us the world and then take it away, like "Oh, I love you and then a year later, it's I never really loved you at all!" Do what makes you happy.
The Original Question and RomanceClass Answer