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Helping Finding a Guy



We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.

Original Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
I'm 21 and I have never dated before. I know this isn't a big deal because I have many years ahead of me, but most of my friends have dated or are dating now. 2 of my friends are engaged. I know that God wants me to focus on my career right now (me being in college and soon to graduate). I want to teach little kids and I've heard the first 2 years of teaching are very difficult and lots of work so I totally understand that it may not be the right time for me to date or be in the serious relationship that I wish I could be in. However, I go to an all girls college and I don't ever see guys my age. I haven't ever had any guy friends either really. I've lived at college up until this year-now I live at home for various reasons. It's hard for me to meet guys my age. I'm not into the club or bar scene and last semester I student taught and spent all of my time on that.

I did go out with a good friend of mine for dinner some weekends and to my town fair, but other than that I don't go out too much. I am Hindu (Indian religion), but I am willing to date outside my religion as long as the guy respects my Hindu faith. However, it would be nice to date someone my religion. I have recently started weight lifting (doing an exercise video) and have considered a gym membership in hopes of possibly finding a guy, but I know that isn't totally something I would do because I know if I get a gym membership I won't use it as much since I have a busy second semester of school. I know it will be hard to find a guy teaching (which is what I want to do when I graduate) because there aren't too many male teachers at the elementary level. At my religious place of worship there aren't too many guys.

There was one guy that is a family friend of my family. We talked for a lot 2 summers ago on instant messanger and also sometimes in person when our families got together. A few friends of mine thought he liked me, but a few months after school started he stopped coming on instant messanger and he hardly wrote me. I also found out by eventually asking him that he didn't want to date right now. My old roommate for sure thought he liked me because it seemed like he was flirting on computer with me and the summer before last school year he would always write me as soon as he came online. I also went to see him at his college one time and we had a nice time as friends and on IM he's even told me a few things about himself that he didn't want me to tell anyone about.

I haven't talk to him in awhile now(almost 6 months) and I'm fine with that for the most part, but what I really would like is to be friends with him. I don't want to do all the first moves(writing him first when he is on-which is hardly ever even during our Christmas break). I know that if this does not work I will accept it because I have realized he's not the one. I just want to know how to find a guy because I know that people always tell me that I have time to find a guy and when I least expect it I will find one. 3 summer I thought I found a guy but it turned out after he found out I was younger than him he didn't want to date me. I've never dated before and seeing and hearing friends date and get engaged often makes me sad, but again for the most part I'm fine with it.

Again, what I really want to know is how to find a decent guy especially when I don't see guys at all that are my age at school or where I work (I will be substituting in the elementary schools). Also, none of my friends would ever set me up with guys. I've tried but none of my friends boyfriends or guy friends know guys that are anything like the guys I would consider dating. I don't really have a high standard, but my friends aren't the type who would set me up with someone either. Anyway, please help me to find ways that I can meet guys my age. Thanks a lot!




User Submitted Advice from a 21-30 year old Female
don't sweat over finding someone


I'm surprised this question has not yet been answered. I'm an Indian female in her early twenties who, like you, has never dated. Like you as well, I think there are certain advantages to dating within the ethnic community but would not restrict myself only to other Indians.

My advice for the present would be to join college groups and try to get to know people in a smaller setting (classes are just not going to work for socializing). This didn't work for me, but I've seen it work for many others.

Down the road, as you become more interested in serious relationships, you may want to try online dating. At least this way, you're not playing a waiting game of wondering what prospects are going to trickle down your way. You can date a bunch of guys at the same time (not something that happens easily in the real world), and if it doesn't work out, it's not as personally upsetting (because they're strangers, after all). I plan on doing this down the road.

My friends of various ethnicities also have trouble getting dates. Even the ones who've dated only seem to get a new prospect every one or two years, which they latch on to out of lack of better alternatives. Your situation is not as uncommon a situation as it seems, possibly because the current culture no longer favors 'dating' (it favors casual hookups).

My other advice would be simply to focus on the other things going well in your life. Romance and marriage are not holy grails that make a person whole. Most dating relationships don't work out anyway, and can end up being big wastes of time / emotional energy. Obviously, it's nice when it does work, but don't sweat over finding someone. Use your extra time to focus on academics and other personal interests.

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