He's In Love with Someone Else
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
Theres a guy at work that i have strong feelings for. We've worked together for 4 months and several weeks ago became quite friendly.
We've been out a few times and I feel so good in his company. I really feel I can relate to him and feel complete every second I spend with him.
On the basis of this connection I felt that my feelings were reciprocated so I told him how I felt.
He then said he couldnt commit.
I accepted this and told him that I enjoyed being with him and if he found me attractive then why couldnt we just have fun so he agreed to that.
I stayed round his flat about 3 weeks ago in which time we were very close. He touches me in such an affectionate way that ive never been touched before. We shared a bed. No sex or foreplay just holding eachother. This suited me just fine as that is not what im after.
Now he has completely backed off and told me he cant even do that which is very hurtful but i dont want to force him into anything. He also revealed that he has feelings for another girl but when i asked him if he is in love with her he said he doesnt know. Ive also noticed that he contradicts himself alot. e.g He told me a while ago that he cannot have feelings for someone unless there is some kind of physical attraction. He then told me that this girl is not what he classes as physically attractive. Its all very confusing. She is at university so he does not see her often. I asked him if he misses her and he said he does "sometimes". Can you make sense of this? I cant.
He also told me after he broke up with his ex girlfriend he couldnt look at another woman for 2 years. This was about 3-4 years ago.
However, on the basis that i feel this special connection with him I dont want to lose his friendship. I'd love to carry on socialising with him etc but even though ive told him this ive had no feedback.
Could you please advise me on what I should do? Should i play it cool, chase him untill i get what i want?
Id be grateful of any advice you can offer
User Submitted Advice from a 21-30 year old Male
laugh and share
I completely see the girls point of view about the guy being honest with her. I'm in such a relationship now. The guy I'm dating said that he is still in love with this other guy and that he doesn't like doing things intimate with me because it will complicate things. We laugh and have long conversations about everything which upsets me because we sometimes talk about the other guy. I'm happy that he doesn't hide anything from me and we can always discuss whatever-- I mean, whatever-- is on our minds. The "good ones" are always taken, huh? It wasn't until recent that I realized that our relationship will have no hope. I'm somewhat sad about that. I don't want sexual relations from him, just him period. It's a struggle, I know, I've been dealing with him a lot longer than I should. He understands how I feel and this other guy lives about 4 hours away. They talk a lot and he lights up everytime he mentions him. I'm not too for sure on the other guys feelings though. I've been told that they both are into each other and he-- my guy-- always says that "whatever happens with me and him is whatever" He's not actively persuing him, but still holds those feelings like he owes it to him-- the other guy-- not to fall in love with someone else. As of last night, it was brought to my attention that because of this that he-- my guy-- and I are not necessarily a "thing" but he enjoys being with me. He approached me, when we started this up, not the other way around, so there is SOME feelings for me, I know. He's told me. I battle with this all the time. No one makes me feel the way he does. It seems that until he and I discuss the issue, other's opinions mean nothing to me. I guess we are a case of " You want what you can't have". Reading your posting, I felt like someone was spying on my relationship ^_< Everything you said sounded familiar. I want to print it out and show my guy! Bottom line is you have to be honest. If he doesn't know what he wants but is for sure in love with someone else, you have to not lie to yourself thinking that magically things will change. He has to decide. There is a reason that you guys are together now, so cherish that and take each date, meeting, or encounter you two have with the conscious awareness that you're no.2 and don't set yourself up. Maybe that other girl will slip up and he'll loose interest? You can only hope. In the meantime, be that good friend he needs; continue to laugh and share. If nothing else, you had a good time hanging out with the guy and gained a friend. Maybe he has an equally attractive brother or cousin?
The Original Question and RomanceClass Answer