A Confusing Relationship
We often have visitors write in with solutions to each others' problems. Here is a visitor's solution to one of our visitor's questions.
Original Visitor's Question from a 13-20 year old Female
Well here it goes.....you see about a year and a half ago I got to know this great guy and I was one of his girlfriends friends. During this time she was treating him really badly not talking to him and such. He was very confused and tried to figure out what happened.....so he talked to me about it. During this whole time I tried to figure out what was going on with them and gave him some pretty good advice(at this time I had never had a boyfriend) The year went on and things slowly got worse...finally he had had enough of it and went to talk to her and she would not let him...so he just say to hell with it. During this whole time I was there for him..we talked about it and I got to learn more about him and start falling for him. Many people asked me why I talked to him because people were afraid of him but I told them the truth....that he is a great guy he is funny, sweet, handsome, and one of the greatest people you will ever hope to know in your life time. After hearing this from me many people talked to him and learned the real him. Over the summer we talked and I learned more about him and he learn more about me. When we got back to school some thing had changed he seemed more out going he now would talk to people when before he really just kept to himself. I felt so proud of him.
Soon something seemed to bother him and I asked him what was wrong and one night when we had a band concert he told me......he has a heart problem were his heart would stop for a little while and then just start up again....the doctors told him that it was small and he should be fine. After it sunk in when I got home I just started crying because I knew that if something went wrong I could loose him. I was one of the few people he told.
A few months later a dance was coming up(two girls were literally fighting to have him ask them) and he asked me for advice on how to ask someone(which turned out to be a senior who is about 2 years older then he is and who already had someone ask her but then with the chance that he would ask her she dumped the other guy for my friend) I helped with everthing he needed to know and even helped him make it work and I was there when it happened I was happy for him and smiled but deep down I was sad because I love him.
Soon they started going out and I tried to hide my sadness but it was there and after a while I got really sick with the flu or something like it and was out for nearly two weeks....and part of it was my sadness. I soon realize that it was pointless to do this and said no more and I believed that it was over. Soon I reallized that my friend was not happy and I learned it was bacause his grandmother was dying. I walked in one morning and he was in tears I went straight to him and gave him a big hug and he told me everything. After hearing this when I had to get my stuff ready for the day I started crying for two reasons...one I remembered when my grandpa died and two I hated seeing him go through this pain. Soon his girlfriend saw that I was crying and came over and gave me a hug and said "Are you crying because he is?? I can't cry the only this I can do is be depressed all day" After my friend heard that I was crying he came over and hugged me and when he pulled away he wiped away my tears and said how important I am to him and that I am one of the greatest people he has ever known and how thankfull he was that I had helped him when no one else would and then he hugged me again.
A few months later they were still going out when a guy asked me out by this time I thought my feelings for my friend were over...but soon after my relationship started I realized I was wrong. Everytime I was with my boyfriend(my first) I was thinking about my friend...when ever he kissed me I was thinking about my friend....soon I realized that I could not do this to my boyfriend and I broke up with him. After this I tried to get advice from my older brother who lives far away and he told me that I should just tell him but my response was that I promise my friend that I would not ever turn in to those girls whole would fight over him just to claim him as a prize and I think that if I told him he would think I was.
Now it has been over a month since I broke up and I am still in love with my friend. He and his girlfriend are still together but something is strange..... something is bothering him and he claims that he does not know but I think maybe he does and just does not want to tell me. Now he is starting to look at me differently and I don't know what is going on. When he walks away he turns to look at me and I feel weird I don't know why he is looking at me like that....one example is one time after lunch while he was hugging his girlfriend and they were talking to me and one of our other friends he was looking at me to whole time and I just felt trapped in his gaze and I could not think. I just don't know what to think about it. I am going crazy trying to figure out what it could mean. So my question is what could this possibly mean and what other advice do you have for the situation I am in right now? Thanks for listening and sorry for it being so long but I have to tell you about it from the very begining.
User Submitted Advice from a 21-30 year old Female
Talk it out
Well, you know him well, and you know that he cares for you. That is a plus. Since you two are such good friends, it should be easy for you to get him alone. Tell him that you have something important to tell him. That should get his attention. Then tell him that you know how much he hates those girls who claim him as a prize and that you really don't want to be one of those girls, but you have developed feelings for him. Also add that you don't want to stand between him and his girlfriend, but you had to get it off your chest. Having this conversation should make you feel better and it puts everything out there. If he wants to be with you, he will express his feelings or thoughts about it to you. If he wants to stay with his girlfriend, he will also express his feelings about that. Either way, you guys should be able to talk it out and remain good friends (as long as you respect his decision about who he wants to be with and how he wants to handle the situation as a whole).
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