Conflicting Feelings

Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Female
When we first met, we became friends, and three weeks later we fell into a relationship together. We were both happy and we loved to flirt and play and stick together. He made me feel special and beautiful and I loved him with all my heart. One day, a new girl came along and she was very pretty, but me, being insecure, began to have my doubts when she started hanging around my boy. Soon I found out that she had a crush on him and she told him while we were still going out. Despite the revealation he stuck with me. Soon however, we found out that we would be separated come high school. Suddenly he began to spend less and less time with me and more and more time with her. And then one day he broke off our relationship completely and I was devastated. He then started a relationship with the new girl, but we remained "friends". Despite us still having contact and whatnot I cried and tried to reason with myself to stop being so sad but the thought always lingered: "she's so pretty of course he would run after her." But soon, their relationship began to waver and they ended up breaking up and making up several times for about a month. After the madness, he finally confronted me as to why he truly broke up with me, the reason being he loved me too much and couldn't stand knowing that we would eventually be separated in the end, so he had to end it himself. He explained that he tried to use the new girl to get over me, but I'm not sure if he carries actual feelings for her. We are very close friends now and we both understand each other, but for me, being just friends is difficult, because I still carry feelings for him, despite the future of being separated. My questions to you are, what should I do with these feelings? He is thinking about going out with her again, and even though I've held my tongue, I don't enjoy seeing them together, and jealousy is only a minority factor. The girl is quick to upset and he doesn't particularly enjoy the catty side of her. How do I tell him how I feel about all of this? If you manage to answer this, thank you so much for your advice and the time you took to answer this question, I greatly appreciate it. Advice
Your guy friend is not being fair to you by deciding everything that will happen in your relationship. You should have had a say in the breakup with him, if the case is indeed that he is afraid of being apart in the future. So this causes a red flag to fly for me. He might not be being entirely honest with you or even himself in this situation. He probably wants to keep you close, as a stand-by girlfriend. And again, this is not fair to you.

I'd have a long, honest talk with him about how you feel. Let him know this is very hard on you, and that you are not sure you can keep up the friendship with him if he dates this girl again. Remember that a friendship goes two ways - he should care about your needs and happiness, and not just his own.

-- from Jill
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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