We Fought - She Called It Quits
Visitor's Question from a 16-20 year old Male
My girlfriend and I got into a really bad fight a few nights ago and now we're on a “break.” She told me today that she doesn’t feel attracted to me anymore. Not just sexually attracted. She told me that she doesn’t feel anything when we kiss and stuff.
I want to work it out with her so bad, but she just responds with “I don’t know” to about every question I ask. I told her that I really want both of us to work on it and work it out, but she said she doesn’t see how it will work if there’s no attraction … is she right?
So we made an agreement that I would give her space for however long and then we would try to work it all out for one month, and after one month if things weren’t right, we would both go our separate ways ... and maybe later when we both started dating other people and if we both realized how much we miss each other and care for each other then we would get back together.
Is that a stupid agreement? We have been dating for a little over 16 months, and we were really good friends before we started dating. I’m so afraid we’re going to break up!! I don’t want to see it all get thrown away!
Any advice on what I should do would be greatly appreciated…and if it’s possible for her to regain any attraction, what can be done about that? Any advice would be so helpful!! Thank you so much!!
If you guys had been together for 16 months that's a very long time. It doesn't seem likely that she instantaneously went from "fully together" to "completely apart" in one instant. What probably happened is she got upset by the fight and worried about this becoming a part of her future. Few people want to have serious fights to look forward to in life. So she became defensive and shut down emotionally, which then causes her not to be able to feel an answer when you kiss and talk. Her emotions are being shut down.
I would definitely give her time - and I would also prove with your every action that you are NOT the person that she saw during the fight. Make it clear that that was a one time mistake, that people make mistakes, and that you have learned your lesson from what happened. This was a critical "wake up" moment for you when you saw just how important it was not to fight with her.
People make mistakes in relationships. We're all human. What's important is that we learn from those mistakes, we grow and improve and we get better. So show to her every day that you've grown and learned and that you are a better person as a result. Show her that it was her presence that helped you make that change, and you're now ready to share this new you with her.
I would not set time limits or future plans out like that. It makes it seem like you're preparing to fail. Instead, tell her you're willing to work on it for as long as it takes, because she's that important to you.
-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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