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#404921 - 09/29/10 12:01 PM Re: New Job/Depressed Husband , Marriage/Future/Kids? [Re: PDM]
MW1 Offline
Companion

Registered: 03/09/10
Posts: 123
Loc: Virginia
Update since June. blush

My grandmother passed while I was in Africa. frown I got home and I needed someone besides my family members and my husband was there and he was wonderful. We continued (and still continue) with counseling and found out that we both had gotten too "comfortable" - if that's the best way to describe it. It can also be described as too "afraid." Neither one of us wanted to "rock the boat" with issues of what was bothering us, so we just stopped talking. The counseling really helped us to figure out that we needed to talk and continue to talk, we should no longer bottle up things that were bothering us and just hope they'd "disappear" because they never disappeared, they just compiled and multiplied on top of one another. We have both gotten really good at letting the other person know when something bothers us - example: my husband used to get home, turn on the tv and turn on the computer and sit there all night.... one of the things that drove me nuts when things with us started to crumble around the edges, but rather than say something to him about it just got angry and went into the other room and didn't talk to him. Now, I noticed a couple of days with him doing it for extended periods of time and I told him that it bothered me and that I wanted to spend time with him. I asked him why he did it - it said it was because he was bored - I said, well, then lets do something together that won't make you bored - that way we spend time together, we talk and enjoy one another's company. He now pays attention to this and makes sure to shut the computer down and spend time with me.

I also found out that it got to the point where I had had enough - with my younger sister's wedding, my older sister fighting with my family, my younter brother's stress with his house, my parents, my grandparents, losing my job, my husband being miserable with his job, etc... all this left little time (actually more like no time) for me to sort through things. I was too busy thinking about and worrying about everyone else and trying to fix their problems. I couldn't take it anymore and I thought all the issues were coming just from my husband, when in reality they were coming from all sides/aspects of my life. So I moved out, got an apartment and stopped talking to people as much. This gave me time to focus on work while I was at work and then it gave me time to sort through the things in my life that had bogged me down after work was done - so instead of going home (to the house, not the apartment) to a husband that I was having issues with and sitting there with our problem and all the other problems smack dab in my face, therefore leaving all the other aspects of my life left open and unresolved, I was able to go to the apartment and deal with those other issues.

I told my parents that I loved them and that I wanted to listen to their problems, but I asked them not to rely in me to resolve them... that I couldn't carry that burden for them. I told them I'd help them and be there for them. Things with the siblings have gotten better as well - I'm still the one they all turn to, but I'm able to control my stress levels when they tell me about things, all the while, still being there to support them and help them through their difficult times.

I have since been back to Africa and found that I missed him, missed talking to him, missed seeing him. This was in August. Ultimately, I decided that I truly did love my husband and I wanted to spend my life with him. I moved back into the house after I got back from Africa for the second time and am still slowly moving the things I took to the apartment back to the house - this will be completed by October 10, because that's when the 6-month lease ends. We have used this moving back as a chance to clean things out - get rid of the old, and in with the new. We've donated clothes we no longer wear, furniture we no longer need because we're slowly replacing all the old childhood furniture we had, throwing things away that don't need to be held onto... we're cleansing and starting fresh. This separation, though trying on the both of us, has brought us closer and made our marriage stronger. We've learned what mistakes we made in the past and continue to work to make things better and stronger because we don't want to make those same careless mistakes again. Our marriage will always been a work in progress, but we're willing to make it work and we want to make it work because deep down we love one another very deeply and want to spend our lives together. I've never been happier - believe it or not. smile

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#405037 - 10/03/10 09:34 PM Re: New Job/Depressed Husband , Marriage/Future/Kids? [Re: MW1]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
That's great.
Marriage is always a work in progress ~ well done on finding your way smile
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#405050 - 10/04/10 12:29 PM Re: New Job/Depressed Husband , Marriage/Future/Kids? [Re: PDM]
MW1 Offline
Companion

Registered: 03/09/10
Posts: 123
Loc: Virginia
And we've gotten most of my things moved back into this house this past weekend - my brother helped and we borrowed my parents truck and trailer - now it's just a matter of cleaning out the cabinets!! We're on our way and it feels so great - husband is helping too, which is WONDERFUL.

He's said I can get a cat too - FINALLY after so long bugging him for one. haha smile We of course do the adoption out of a shelter route - the same with what we did with our dog (who will be 5 on October 21).

I can't even begin to explain how wonderful and happy all this makes me. I go to sleep at night not worrying about a thing, just being so happy laying next to my husband. Just thinking about him puts a smile on my face. Our marriage is most definitely stronger than it was 2 years ago and it just brings out this inner contentment and peace.

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#405053 - 10/04/10 03:46 PM Re: New Job/Depressed Husband , Marriage/Future/Kids? [Re: MW1]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Lovely news. I'm so pleased for you smile smile
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#405371 - 10/19/10 10:38 AM Re: New Job/Depressed Husband , Marriage/Future/Kids? [Re: PDM]
MW1 Offline
Companion

Registered: 03/09/10
Posts: 123
Loc: Virginia
Everything going really well. We have decided to use this time in our lives/relationship to clean out all the old "junk" - things we've both been hoarding/holding onto because we just kept saying "oh, we'll need that down the road" or "we can't get rid of that in case...." or "I don't want to donate/throw that away because it was from..."

We've gone through our house and made three HUGE donations this year. We had piles and piles of donations from the year before that we never got around to taking to Goodwill because we didn't want to make a list of everything (for tax deduction purposes) - so while we were in the process of moving me back in, I made a list of all those items, then we went through both our closets and chests and got rid of all the clothes we had been holding onto with the hope that we'd need it someday or wear it someday. After 2 years of saying we'll wear it, we decided to give it to Goodwill where it will definitely be worn by someone that needs it. We also got rid of our older furniture making room for some of the things I had bought for my apartment. All-in-all, I think we've done an excellent job and I'm proud to say I believe we've started fresh. We're also sticking to our guns when we say we're going to fix something - the husband is actively working on fixing the bathroom that has been out of commission for more than 6 months - we picked out tile and wall color, already have a sink, still need to buy a new toilet, but that will come soon enough. He's also fixed the leaky sink in our kitchen and in the other bathroom.

Gosh it really feels great to be back home and to be working as a team to clean things up and keep them clean. Next big task will be buying a new car and planning the addition!! Work is also going well for the both of us. Despite the recent losses we've both had with family members, we're doing well and being a great team.

Also got a cat. It's quite the interesting task in introducing the dog (who will be 5 in 2 days and who is 75 lbs) to our new 2 lb cat... It's gotten a lot better since we got her a week ago. We figure it's good practice because we'll have to do it when we bring home a baby - which will be another adventure together in the future.

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#405378 - 10/19/10 01:25 PM Re: New Job/Depressed Husband , Marriage/Future/Kids? [Re: MW1]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Originally Posted By: MW1
Everything going really well. ....
All-in-all, I think we've done an excellent job and I'm proud to say I believe we've started fresh. ....
Gosh it really feels great to be back home and to be working as a team ...

Also got a cat. ... We figure it's good practice because we'll have to do it when we bring home a baby - which will be another adventure together in the future.

smile smile smile smile smile
Smiles all round smile
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#410115 - 02/16/11 11:59 AM Re: New Job/Depressed Husband - Marriage/Future/Kids? [Re: PDM]
MW1 Offline
Companion

Registered: 03/09/10
Posts: 123
Loc: Virginia
New developments...

The husband and I have started trying for children. Problem - serious problem. At only 29, they say I'm in the early stages of Premature Menopause. So we've started fertility treatments and I'm trying really hard to stay positive as it's only the beginning (we just saw the doctor on Monday - but just walking away from that meeting we could see how concerned he was). Now he's told me that I need to get in there for shots and tests up the wazoo. Decided I had to tell my boss about this because I'm going to be gone very frequently over the next couple of weeks (this was a good thing because when I walked in his office he immediately asked me if I was leaving for another job - positive out of that - at least he doesn't want me to leave, but work isn't what I live for - family is).

I'm trying really hard to not think about this and worry about it, but all I can think about is how my older sister is in the same position and she can't get pregnant - BUT she has a child already. My heart just sinks to think that I won't be able to have a child of my own - biological, I mean. My husband and I see nothing wrong with adoption and will pursue that if no other options are likely to result in a child - it just.... depresses me.

I'm trying NOT to kick myself while I'm down by saying things like you should have started earlier, why did you have to go through these problems with your husband last year, why why why. Doc said there was nothing I could have done differently to prevent this... we should have started earlier for children, if only we had known. I hate 20/20 hindsight.

I go in tomorrow for instructions on how to give myself shots - and then I'm supposed to start said shots on day 3. They're doing several other bloodwork tests on day 3 too - I just hope they're not negative, even though I'm pretty sure they won't be 100% positive.

I'm searching really hard to find that inner strength I need to get through this - my husband is there, but I need to pick myself up as well. It's just very hard and other forums I've gone on for information about this haven't been that positive.

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#410129 - 02/16/11 03:09 PM Re: New Job/Depressed Husband - Marriage/Future/Kids? [Re: PDM]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Hello MW1.

This must be really difficult for you and I am sorry that you are going through such a rough time.

Try to stay positive, though. smile

You don't know, yet, what is going to happen as a result of the treatment. All may turn out great smile

I do hope so.
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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