Hi, you might find my story stupid, but pls don't judge me, and your advice would be welcomed. I am a 37 yr old man whp just got dumped by his 21 yr old girlfriend. Now, understand that I was not in this for the fun or sex, I really care about this girl, I care a lot about her. We have been dating for 8 months and everthing between us has always been great, we have a lot of fun together and do a lot of diffrent activities. She is very mature for her age. I work at a bank and she is still in college, so we only see each other on week-end except for summer. Anyways, here is how it happened. All was going well (or so I tought) a couple nights ago she was looking a little sad and when I asked her what was wrong, she told me she couldn't deal with the age difference anymore, she felt like everyone was staring at us when we went out, etc.. She says she loves me very much and I believe her. I want her to come back, I miss her, I am soooo sad, I love her. What can I do? pls help.
thanks
Hello Bigeric ~ welcome.
I'm sorry to hear about this ~ especially as your girlfriend felt pressured into ending the relationship, rather than making such a decision without pressure.
Was it family, or college friends?
Maybe relationship counselling could help.
Perhaps she just needs time to think this over a bit and then you could talk about it and she might change her mind.
I know people who have had relationships involving large age differences and, I must admit, the ones I have known have not been particularly successful after the first few years. Maybe this thought is what is troubling her. 16 years is quite a long time ~ but not so long that it would automatically have to cause problems.
Whatever the age gap, 21 is pretty young to be certain of anything long-term, so, even if you had been of a similar age, she might have been having second thoughts now. As you say, she is still just a college-girl.
You love her, miss her and want her back. Perhaps you could write and confirm this to her, and suggest that you meet to talk things over. The relationship is yours and hers ~ not her friends', but, I will say that if my daughter wanted to date a man 16 years older than her, I would have reservations.
I would imagine, though, that those reservations could be overcome, depending on the circumstances.
Do you know her parents?
Do they get on well with you?
Good luck!
Hello, thanks for taking the time to answer my cry for help, i really appreciate it. To answer your questions, her parents, especially her mother was really against it at first but has learned to accept it more as she saw her daughter was happy with me and that I was a descent man; I don't think her parents or close friends were a factor in this decision. What she told me is she felt uncomfortable the way people looked at us (I never noticed anything) and she also felt uncomfortable around my friends; she was always scared of sounding stupid or childish. I don't get that either as all my friends welcomed her and the same for her friends. I don't know what to do, i wanna call her, but at the same time I fell I should respect her decision. I am so lost, god I miss her, I really fell hard for her.
Bigeric, it does indeed sound like you are a decent man and that you had a wonderful relationship with your girlfriend. All too often outside influences creep in to affect what would otherwise be a perfect relationship. It sounds as if this was something that occured gradually over a period of time. I am sure that how her friends percieved the two of you was important all along. She probably ignored it or didn't think about it and then there may have been a comment here or there that began to make her think or bothered her. There is always the chance that there is something that she is not expressing also. In an effort to help, I am going to throw something out there. Since she has expressed concern about people looking at the two of you, could it be that there is something you could do to update your style of dressing. I am not suggesting that you change yourself or be artificial or try to dress in a way that is obviously not suitable to your age. Could it be though that you or your wardrobe could use a little updateing. I am sure that you dress appropriately for your work at the bank. In a social situation, however, you would not be the first man that needed a little fashion help. There are occasions when a gentleman needs to take a hard look at his fashion sense and ask himself if he is cutting his hair in a style that dates him. I can remember some of my friends keeping sideburns well after it was in fashion. It may be that this has nothing to do with what she is feeling and it does seem to be such a superficial thing. But in all honesty, even wives who have been married for years sometimes get their husbands to update their style of dressing. If you do have a problem in this area and you correct it perhaps the age difference will not be quite so obvious. What is your opinion?
thank you joandboys for trying to help me. I don't think however my appearance had anything to do with this as I dress and look much younger than my age. I don't know what to do, why am I trying to understand why she left? the fact is she is gone and I am miserable. I was so happy and now i am so sad. i would have done anything for her. I am sure the relationship was harder on her than on me but I tought she had a handle on it. I know i didn't do anything to cause this; that it's my age the problem and i can't take anything to make me younger. I tell myself, that i have to let her go if that's what she wants, but at the same time, she told me she loves me and call me stupid if you want i tought that if 2 people loved each other, nothing could stand in their way; am i wrong? I wish she could get over this and realize that we were good together. I don't know what to do. should i call her? should i not? i am scared she will forget about me if i don't call. i am scared she will be upset if i do. oh god, i wish she hadn't left, how am i going to get thru this?
It could be a mixture of things, you know.
Not only is the age gap quite a big one, she is also quite young.
It may simply be that she is ready for the relationship to be over. You need to take this on board, because it can & does happen a lot ~ especially for young people, I think.
If you were to read all the posts on here, you would see just how many people have been hurt, because relationships have become one-sided. Very often the hurt party is told by the other person that they still love them, but that it is over because ...
... And lots of different reasons are given.
If she loves you, then other people's banter shouldn't come into it. If other people's ideas do come into it, then maybe she isn't actually in love with you ~ or else is too young to cope with it.
If you need to be sure, ask to meet her for a chat ~ just to be sure of exactly what is going on.
Take care ~ I hope that it will work out for you.
And remember, though you are older than her, you are still quite young, so if this doesn't work out, you could soon find someone who really is right for you.
Though it might really hurt to lose this girl, who you love, if she doesn't feel the same, you may be better off, long-term ~ a one-sided relationship would not be good for you.
Good luck.
Hi bigeric, i'm so sorry to hear about your situation!
I know totally how you feel... I just went over a breakup with a 40 year-old man i've been seeing (i'm 21). i really really like him, but all of a sudden, he doesn't feel the same way anymore... it's been a month, and i'm still really hurt...
i really don't know the reason why she broke up with you, but i can tell you that when i was going out with my ex, even though i really liked him, i still felt a bit awkward when people stared at us. of course, this reason never overtook the fact that i loved him, so it never became a reason for me to break up with him...
PDM has given you very good advice. I agree with her and your thinking. If two people are truely in love they should be able to get through anything. There in may lie your answer. She is telling you that she loves you, however, perhaps she is too inexperienced to know what true love is or perhaps she loves you but is not truely "in love". There is a fine line between the two, non the less there is a difference. In any case, it truely is love on your part and you need to deal with the relationship as it is in the present for your own sake. Your heart needs closure and explanations and understanding before you can begin to put your life back on track. You might try to find that understanding by doing as PDM suggested. Perhaps you can call her and ask if you both can meet to have a conversation as friends. You could let her know that you accept her feelings and would like to talk about a couple of things that will help you gain closure. You might also explain you feel it would help you both go on with your lives from here. If you let her know that you would like to part as friends and you don't want to do anything that makes her feel uncomfortable she may be willing. You also might let her know it would mean a lot to you in light of the fact that you still care a great deal for her and it would help you accept her decision. There are many ways you could approach her but being gentle and sincere should not drive her away.
I truely think that your age difference should not make a difference because it doesn't seem to be that great however that is the reason she has given. Perhaps there is another reason, and this just seemed to be the easiest way to break off the relationship. In any case, she should be willing to make it easier for you if not for herself also. If she is not willing, sadly, you may have to admit that perhaps she needs some time to grow up and realize what you really mean to her or you may have to admit that she does not love you as she should. I know it is painful, but there are ways to deal with the loss and there are supportive groups and others who are going through what you are. Try to center on constructive ways to either share your feelings with friends or constructive ways to occupy your time while she deals with her feelings. If you concentrate on yourself and being the same confident person you were before, it will make you much more attractive to her and to others. It will get easier even though it doesn't seem so now. Your probably saying to yourself "that is easier said than done". I too have had to accept similiar circumstances and the panic makes you not know what to do. You are so afraid that you will loose them if you do the wrong thing or if you don't do something. The truth is, sometimes the harder we hold on the faster they run away. Try your best to stay focused on the fact that there isn't really anything you can do that you haven't already, to prove that you love her. Sometimes abscence is the very thing that keeps you in their mind. If she truly loves you she will not forget you and if she comes back you want it to be because she can't forget you because she truely loves you.
I agree with the above statements.give her time, you don't know what people are telling in her ear.hopefully she will come to realize decent men are hard to come by.
Yes, I agree with Momma & Jo.
Wise words ~ I hope that they help!
i hope you are right, i miss her terribly
thanks for the advice
Hello,
I need advice! We just got divorced about two months ago, but I miss my ex-wife terribly. I just found out she is in love with a friend of us, our spiritual teacher for Reiki, but not sure if he wants her back in a romantic way. I saw in her computer some mails from him but not about love, more like general motivation. This breaks my heart and does not let me sleep in the night, feel like I am going through a very difficult problem.
I will get an appointment with him on next Monday, to see if I can find out anything, but the main problem is my ex-wife does not love anymore, and I still love her like a just married. The guy says he will talk to her and love her back "if God wants".
How can I stop my pain?
I dated her for 5 years, then we spent 11 years married. We have a wonderful 7 year old son. I cheated on her and then let her know, for honesty, and had a lot of problems after I told her. I sadly regret it.
I hope I can get her back someday.
What do you think?
Roger
i hope you are right, i miss her terribly
thanks for the advice
If it is meant to be, then it's worth working at together.
Have an objective chat with her & see what is really going on.
If it's not meant to be, then you will be better off finding happiness with someone who really wants to be with you.
It's hard to accept, I know, but it would be for the best, if that were the case.
I hope that things work out well for you ~ good luck!
