Hey everyone. Please excuse the long post, but I've really gotten myself into such a bad situation, and need some serious help. I'm going to try and explain the situation as best I can, please ask allot of questions if this doesn't make any sense. About a year and a half ago, I met my best friend, and after a few months I started to like his sister. I tolled him this and he was really mad. The attraction between his sister and myself got so hard that we ended up together. Her brother finally accepted that, and could see we made each other really happy. A year later I really messed up. It all started in January, I got into really bad debt, and was unable to pay rent. In Feb, I took out a loan, and had some extra cash, and thought it would be really wonderful if I took my girlfriend to Rome. A huge mistake, as unforeseen bank charges and debts came back, and I couldn't pay rent again. I was in serious trouble, and thought of various ways to pay rent. I finally found the option that I could get my bank charges back from my bank. Hooray... not! I made so many mistakes, I lied to my ex saying everything was ok, and that I’m good with money, and had her believe that I could afford treating her to nice things. I lied to her brother saying I did pay rent, but I didn't. I lied to keep everyone happy. I'm not trying to justify the lying. It was so wrong of me. Another stupid mistake was I started to think that my bank refund would arrive soon, so I didn’t pay rent and paid off my other debts. I decided to also propose to my ex in April and thought everything would work out ok. My brother helped me out with some money to buy an engagement ring. Another stupid mistake, I could of used that money to pay the rent. I really convinced my self the bank would pay up. But anyway, I did the whole romantic proposal, she said yes. After getting back from the engagement holiday. All hell broke lose. Her brother found out about me not paying rent, and tolled his sister "my fiancé". My girlfriend was so mad, and called off the engagement and broke up with me. :( She said she will never trust me again or anyway for a long time, her brother tolled me to get out and never see his sister again. :( They said I’m insane for what I did, and need to get some serious help with the lying. I know the lying was bad, but I didn't do it for selfish reasons. I did it to give her a holiday. She is so mad, because I kept this from her, and should of tolled her from the start. I spoke to an online councillor, and tolled them everything, I then forward those emails to my ex so she would understand why this mess all happened. The only problem was at the time of writing the emails, I was really depressed and needy and said allot of things in the emails about small issues and small insecurities I had in myself which came across as needy. I received one txt from her saying she doesn't understand me and will take her along time to ever trust someone again. Is there still hope for this relationship? I'm giving her space and haven’t sent a txt or phone her it three days. Any advice on getting her back, and winning her trust will be much appreciated. Thanks Ian :) [size:8pt] [/size]

Welcome Ian.
My advice to you is to get your own life straightened out.
If you can succeed at that, then you stand a good chance at getting your GF back and your best friend.
I think you need to own up to your financial shortcomings and get all of that figured out - That will show your GF that you are becoming a responsible trustworthy adult. Anything else in my opinion is just window dressing and not likely to solve your financial problems and not a long term solution in terms of keeping your girl friend.
DO NOT WORRY about getting her back right now - first of all - its not your main problem even if you think it is. second - i fear you will use money (i.e. buying more gifts) in an attempt to woo her back. so DON'T EVEN THINK about it.

There are many financial counselors that specialize in helping young people with poor finance skills. I am not one of them, so you need to find one. But I can think of some obvious issues -
1. Are you working, and are you working enough? (Sometimes you have to work more than 1 job to make ends meet, especially if you have debt already to pay off.)
2. Why are you living somewhere where you can't pay the rent. You should find somewhere cheap to live - even stay with your parents until you can get rid of your debt - and offer to help your parents around the house - cook, clean, and even consider paying them back later or a small amount of rent to show you are serious about this.
3. Stop trying to find "too good to believe" financial deals. Everything costs money and there are always fees and interest rates to contend with.
4. Stop using your credit cards!! Seriously!! Personally, I live on my credit cards - but I pay the balance in full every month. Until you can comfortably pay off your credit cards EVERY MONTH without late charges, interest, etc - I would STAY AWAY from them. Use a debit card - that will keep you in your budget.
5. Learn to live on a tight budget - Ramen noodles cost about 99 cents for a pack of 5. I lived on those for a long time and they are not bad! Stop eating out. Look for good deals. Learn to live within your means.
6. Stop trying to impress your girlfriend with money! Does she think you are somebody you are not?? If she has thought all along that you are some rich dude with money to spare - then you are right - she may not come back to you - because you aren't that guy. If she loved you for you and not your money however, then maybe she will come back - once you can at least support yourself - not to mention support her and a whole family one day in the future. No woman wants to marry a guy who can't be trusted to balance a check book - that is why I suggest you get you and your finances straightened out before you even bother to court her. She won't be interested until you've gotten all these bad habits straightened out. Most women don't need to be won over with money anyways - it sounds like your GF valued trust over money anyways - so I'd go for the trust route in the future with her.

Anyways - that's my advice off the top of my head - but you need PROFESSIONAL help with your finances. You will be facing some hard times - but there is no quick fix - don't look for the easy way out - just get to work and do it.

Hi Victor,


I am on the road already to financial freedom, I have spoken to a counsellor who has put me on a financial management plan, which is really helping, I just need to control my spending now and not make the same mistake again. It will take me a few months to get back on track. I'm just a little worried I have completely destroyed the trust in my relationship.

Thanks so much

Ian

Ian,
I think you have taken a good step in the right direction. I would just get to work on your financial plan and see if you can make some progress getting out of debt.
That way you will have something to show for yourself when you get in touch with your girlfriend.
If you feel you cannot wait that long to talk to her, then I would let her know what you are doing to get yourself on the right track,
and then say you are sorry a few million times over.

If you guys are destined to be together, then you will manage this bump in the relationship.
Long term relationships face many hurdles - and finances are one of the more common issues in a relationship.
Now that the cat is out of the bag, I hope that you two will have a much more honest and open relationship - If things can work out, I am sure you will enjoy being much more honest with her. Like I said, if she loves you for the you that you really are - then this is just a bump in the road for you two to solve together.
If you felt you had to woo her with money because deep down she is pretty materialistic and not into guys who happen to be broke - then you might lose her, but I wouldn't want somebody that superficial for my wife, that's for sure.

I think you will make out fine with your finances - and the good news may be that you got yourself into this crisis situation early - so now you have the rest of your life to have good spending habits!
Good luck to you.
Victor

I agree with Victor.

Remember, every cloud has a silver lining ~ you have learned a lot from this experience.

When you can prove to your friends that you can be mature and responsible with money, etc, as I think you will be able to do, then both you and your girlfriend can be proud of you again.

Hi all,
Thank you so much for the support, I have been seeing a councillor to regards as to why I did all those things, and tried to make everyone happy without paying my rent. I suffer from Approval addiction, the need to please to make myself happy. I'm currently going to counselling sessions once a week, I asked my ex if we can have a talk. She is still pretty mad that I lied to her, But I'm going to tell her what has been going on, and let her know that if we ever do decide to give it another go, I want to try after I get over this problem. Is this the right thing to say, I'm worried that she will think differently about me, after I tell her, lol as you can see I still need to sort out my approval addiction.
Thanks
Ian

Yes I approve and even if I didn't approve you still did the right thing -
1. you admitted you have a problem
2. you are doing something about your problem
3. you were honest with your loved ones.

can't go wrong there - and i think you will work everything out - just keep your head in the game and make good choices. in the long run, everybody respects honesty.

Ditto

Hi again,

Thanks, it really help to lift my spirits. I tolled my ex everything last night and she understood. She really is amazing person, She really loves me for who i am, faults and all. We are back together now. It feels so good to be honest to her about everything, and to know she loves me no matter what.

Very glad to hear it. She sounds like the real deal - and since you now know she loves you empty pockets and all - you can just keep being honest with her.
You can now work together to attain your dreams together - its much more rewarding that way.

good luck, Ian

Great news!

Keep up the good work!

wow wtg ian, you really sound like a stand up man that has his head on strait shes a lucky girl, hopeing you and her have a long happy life together keep up the good work, and remember ALWAYS ALWAYS remain honest no matter what you think the outcome will be, in alot of situation of telling the truth the outcome is usually not what you expected "the worst" my moto is expect the worst and hope for the best!