RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Dating I don't know what to do.

Here's the background. I met my girlfriend over the summer and we have been going out for just over 3 months. The only thing is I am 20 and she is 25. I'm away at college, 300 miles away, or about a 5 hour drive, so we only get to see each other about two times a month. This has been for two months now. She is a nurse and works full time back home. She is still living with her parents, but plans on moving into an apartment with some good friends of hers by January. So saving up means less trips to see me, hence see can only get out here one weekend a month and I go see her one weekend. We defiantly have our fights over the phone (typical in a long distance relationship), but they get resolved within a few days. We also have great convos. I know it's hard on her because she needs someone, and I can't be there. I will be at school for about two more years, minus the month winter breaks and about three month summer vacations. I love her to death and I believe she is "the one."

Just an hour or two ago she tells me over the phone, she cheated on me. We talk about it and all they did was make out. She feels terrible, and, well, I have no idea what to think. She said she could never lie to me, which is why she told me. I know she loves me. What happened was her and some friends went to the bar last weekend and some guy who knew my GF started talking to her and then talked her friends into going back to his place to drink some more. Then eventually my girlfriend and her two friends (who are going out and have been together for a few years; a straight couple), go back to his place. They continue drinking and after a while this guy tells my GF's friends that they can sleep in an extra bedroom, which they go into. So this guy takes my GF into his room and she tells him that she has a boyfriend, me, and that she did not want to do anything and did not know what his intentions were. So I guess my GF's one friend gets suspicious and goes into this guy's room and sees them both in there just standing, no doing anything, she yells at my GF because she knows that my GF was going out with me and that how could my GF just go into some other guys room. After my GF and her friend argue for a while her friends leave and take a taxi home. My GF was really upset because her friend was yelling at her and I guess this guy was talking to her comforting her and one thing leads to another and he makes out with her (he initiated the kiss). What my GF tells me is that she let it happen (I believe she was drunk). So she ends up sleeping there and leaving before he wakes up. The only thing they did was kiss for a little, and then she felt bad so did nothing else.

What she tells me is that she doesn't deserve me, and that I can do much better. She still loves me but feels terrible. Like I said before, I love her sooooo much and really want to be with her. She thinks we should break up because I deserve better, like I said, and that I will never look at her the same again or wont trust her. I know she did not mean to do it and is not the cheating type.

I am so confused. (What I'm telling myself is that, I want to be with her, and that it was only a kiss) How can I convince her to stay with me and that I don't care? Or let me know your opinion.

Sorry for rambling, my mind's just in a million places right now, and on top of that I have a project due tomorrow worth 20% of my grade and it's only half done.

Thanks for your input, it's really appreciated right now!

Hi & welcome bluspeed51

I know that, sometimes, when girls & boys are missing their partners, they may find solace in the arms of someone else.

Sometimes the partner can accept it and sometimes s/he can't.

A kiss can be many different things at the same time.

It can say Happy Birthday, or Merry Christmas, without indicating anything further.
It can say I love you, or I lust after you.
It can say that, in spite of 'being taken', I really like you, and I have weakened to allow this to happen, but I won't let anything more happen between us.

In this case she spends an evening chatting to another man.
She then accepts an invite to go back to his place.
She knows that she has been drinking, and is in another man's home at night, but she continues to drink.
She goes into this man's bedroom.
Instead of heeding her friend's advice, about it being inadvisable to be in this man's room, she shouts at her.
Her friends go home in a taxi, but, instead of going with them, she stays, alone with this man, in his apartment, at night.

You guess, but don't know, that the kiss was a result of this man comforting your girlfriend after the argument.
They then 'make out' ~ which can cover all sorts of behaviour, while one is kissing ~ but she suddenly realises that this isn't right and stops, which shows that she didn't want to hurt you.

She probably feels guilty for various reasons.
Going out with friends, drinking, is something a lot of girls do, and she was probably missing you, especially as her girl-friend was part of a couple, so it is understandable.

Going back to this chap's home was not a great idea, but at least she was with friends.

This is where things become a bit confused for me ~ and maybe for her.

The couple was going to stay in the spare room ~ where was your girlfriend going to sleep?

I suppose that I can understand her becoming angry, if her friend was insinuating that something untoward might happen, but, after all, she was alone in his bedroom, with him, at night, which was unwise.

And then the friends went home; why did they leave her alone, drunk & vulnerable with this man ~ and why did she stay alone, at night, with him, when she could have left with them?

OK, girls may be vulnerable to a kiss, when they feel low, but she stayed the night ~ again unwise, but it would have probably been unwise to venture out alone at night, too.

There was a spare room ~ did she sleep there, or in his bed?

He kissed her & they made out for a while, but then did 'nothing else' because she felt guilty.

'Nothing else' other than what, exactly?
Nothing other than a peck on the cheek, or lips?
Nothing other than prolonged 'French kissing', which involved no cuddling?
Or was there cuddling?
And touching?
Were they in his bed?
Were they fully clothed?
What was she feeling at the time ~ other than guilt?

She then slept there overnight.
Where? The spare room or his bed?

'The only thing they did was kiss for a little, and then she felt bad so did nothing else', but just this can cover a lot of eventualities ~ whatever they were, can you accept and get over them?

This may have been a little more than a brief chaste kiss, but if you can still forgive and forget, then there is still hope for you. However, you need to understand & accept the full import of what has happened ~ as she has ~ before you can get your relationship back on an even keel.

I'm not trying to stir up negative feelings, just to get you to really understand why your girlfriend is saying these things, like 'she doesn't deserve me, and that I can do much better'.

She was probably just missing you & got carried away.
She now feels terrible about it.
But she needs to be sure that, if you are going to forgive & forget, you actually understand what it is that you are forgiving, and that this matter won't raise its ugly head in the future.

You need to have a long chat with her and really discuss how you both feel and what you can both do to make your relationship succeed.

If you both love each other, you can face the reality of this and come through it.

You sound like an understanding person, who really cares for her. She needs to accept this and forgive herself if you can forgive her.

Good luck!

Alright, to fill you in, when they were at the bar she said the this guy was talking to her friends more than he was talking to her, so she did not think he had any real intentions with her. She also said that this man talked her friends into going back to his place and that she never remembers agreeing to go, but since they took one car, her car actually, they all just went to his place based on a group decision. Though, she never said that she was in any disagreement with going, so I'm not sure. I'm assuming that after this guy said her friends could sleep in the spare room, she thought he would let her sleep on a couch or something. She was surprised that he took her back to his room.

As far as her friends leaving her there, I think while my GF and her friend were arguing with each other my GF said that going to this mans house was all her friends' idea (It may have been, I don't know). So her friend got mad, grabbed her BF and left. I'm sure that's not all of what was said but that's the gist.

She didn't really give me details on the kissing so I don't know about that.

She said after they kissed/made-out, she told this guy that she wanted to leave cause she felt bad. I think the only reason she staid was because she was to drunk to drive. She did sleep in his bed, but said it was a big bed and they were a few feet apart while sleeping.

What I'm kind of confused about is that she told him she had a boyfriend, but somehow still ended up kissing. I know she said this guy got kind of mad when she told him this, because she never said anything about a boyfriend before going into the room. So I'm guessing he pressured/took advantage of her; she was drunk.

I love her more than anything (and she does me), and I want to forgive her, but she really hates herself right now, and like I said before, she says I deserve a lot better, and wants to break up. I'm going home this Friday, so I plan on trying to fix things. I really hope I can, I've never been in love like this before, or maybe this is the first time I've really been in love, I don't know.

Maybe talking face to face will help to sort things out.
Good luck!

I agree with PDM, she took the words out of my mouth.

A situation like this definitely calls for some face to face visitation. Take two days off, and go see her.

I understand where you're coming from. I wouldn't trust her either, but if I loved her, I would try as hard as I can.

It is something that does yield your feelings. Definitely.

Now... I've heard that speech before, the whole "you can find someone better..." Story... of my life man. Now... this can mean a variety of things.


1) She is deeply, deeply in regret of her actions.

2) She is NOT in regret of her actions, and wants something else from someone else.

3) She is regretful, but wants someone, and since you two are hundreds of miles away from each other, it's difficult.

I suggest that when you see her, that you talk to her about everything. Ask her why she's saying these things. Reaffirm that you love her, if you have never told her, tell her then. I know you love her, its very obvious. Tell her that yes, what she did was a mistake, but that mistakes happen, and your breakup would be the biggest mistake of them all.

As I listed, she may be very lonely. Though she talks with you all the time, sometimes its just not enough. It happens in long distance relationships. A lot of things could be going through her head right now. Debating whether or not the relationship is worth the time on distance alone. It can be a difficult thing to swallow... but it is a very real situation.

Be prepared man, be very prepared. I'll try to add more later on today, to clarify my points and give better advice once I get some sleep.

When you're involved, you often see what you want to see.

Age 25, still living with her parents, but thinking of getting an apartment with friends? I realize that some stay with parents longer than others, but how often do we hear people saying what they're "going to do" or "need to do?"

Going as a group to this guy's place - you're a guy; do you doubt at all what this guy's intenton was? He definitely had plans for the woman you think of as your girl friend.

If drinking prevented it, then perhaps there was no sex. But, only perhaps.

Can you forgive her for misjudgment? Perhaps you can.

But can you trust her, if it's possible that she is still open to the dating scene?

Maybe neither of you is ready for commitment.

i hate to break it to you buddy, but i think you should break up. this type of thing has happened to me before, Gf was drunk and she cheated. and i tried to forgive her. it kind of worked for a month or so, but it wasn't good. i couldn't trust her the same way. and everytime she went out with her friend i felt sick to my stomach like when i found out she cheated first.

and im sure you know that feeling. so if you think your love for her is worth feeling that pain then yea be with her, but i highly doubt ull enjoy it as much as you did before. because to me, once that trust you have in the beginning of the relationship is broken, it can never be fully restored. and cheating brings it down a lot. even if she was drunk.

and i know it seems like she is the only one you will love and that you couldn't be with anybody else. well read romeo and juliet. it might be a story, but it is 100% true.

i broke up with my ex because i was very tired of that pain in my stomach. and i couldn't take it anymore. and after i broke up with her i wanted her back so bad. and it was a terrible feeling. and i thought i would never get over her. but now i met a girl that i barely know right now and i already like her more than my ex.

so if you are thinking of staying with her because you think theres nobody else out there, then you need to think again. just give it time and you will eventually feel better than ever.

so good luck and i hope everything works out for you