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#92537 11/10/06 08:17 AM
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What are your thoughts on this topic? If your spouse/partner cheats do you forgive and forget? Yes much would depend on the age here I'm sure.

Is there such a thing as 'male menopause' when males seem to try and rediscover their youth with younger women?

This has recently happened to a neighbour, she's in her 40's and been married for 18 years. He's recently been on a holiday to the Philippines and had 'a great time' which involved girls younger than his daughter and son. The wife had a breakdown because in her words 'how do I compete against a girl younger than my own children'.

What is it with men (I'm just using this scenario as an example) that they find the need to reach out to younger women? Is it that they're afraid of growing old? What about the women they leave behind? Do they stop to think of the hurt inflicted?

What are your thoughts.

#92538 11/10/06 11:41 AM
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Cheating no matter what age you are is wrong. If you choose to persue a relationship with some-one you do so because you want to be with that person and that person ALONE. You cannot have your cake and eat it too.

I understand of course that often our hearts and minds conflict. I know that people who seen secure and happy in relationships find they have feelings for some-one else. It happens, it's human nature. You cannot choose who you fall in or out of love with. But that does not give you cause to persue your desires.

I see no problem however in breaking off a relationship for some-one else if and only if you have worked your hardest to make your present relationship work but you just can't save it. There's no point in being unhappy. Although I would perhaps wait a while before openly persuing a new relationship.

Why is it though that it often seems so much more 'acceptable' for a woman to see another man or leave her marriage for another or to start up a new relationship soon after a split than for a man to do so? If she leaves him its 'well she deserved better' or ' she's better off without him' etc etc. Yet when he leaves its 'how selfish of him?' or ' that poor woman , how could he?' or 'I'll bet he was cheating on her' etc etc. Why? Are men not as entitled to happiness as women?

Relations of mine are in the process of divorcing and he has since met and is now living with a new woman. But he is looked down on for it because he leaves behind a wife and three daughters.Yet the marriage was over long ago and they only remained under the one roof for the sake of the children. They were thoroughly miserable for years.

They split up for a while but tried to make another go of it. However it was a lost cause. So he broke away moved out and began a new life. He moved to a different county, got a new job, met new people. And now he is in a good relationship with a good woman who makes him happy. So why should he not be happy now he has a new life in which his daughters are of course involved?


Princesse Sophie

"Adorned in Masters loving art she lies
She rests at last beneath the starry skies"
#92539 11/13/06 03:00 PM
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What's with it with men? Or with women?

There are bad apples among both.

IF a man or a woman is going to seek "romance" outside the marriage, then chances are it will be with someone attractive.

At a smorgasbord, one usually chooses the dishes which are attractive and desirable.

Men see women who too often choose the types of guys that men know are abusers or cheats. And women see men who look for the shallow attributes.

But thankfully, it is not universal.

My soul mate is the same age as I. My first wife was 6 months older than I, and my second wife (after 21 years with the first) of only about a year's duration was 2 years older.

For those men who seek out "more satisfying" relationships, do they think about the hurt they are causing? Marge says that men don't think that well when the blood to the brain is diverted to another part of the anatomy. There is some truth to that.

Do they pay, afterwards? A lot of times, yes. Can they be forgiven? Usually not. Will they be a better husband to another woman? Sometimes yes.

I was, and I am. I am lucky - more so than I deserve. But you know what, I have forgiven myself.


Marge is the love of my life.
#92540 11/13/06 03:44 PM
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Good for you Carl! You are is enititled to happy as anyone else and I can see Marge has made you that. That's what counts here. I don't agree with cheating but I would never begrudge anyone the chance to be happy and if that is with a different partner or new spouse so be it. Marge is a lucky woman.


Princesse Sophie

"Adorned in Masters loving art she lies
She rests at last beneath the starry skies"
#92541 11/13/06 03:50 PM
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Thanks, Sophie. We both are lucky, and the joy is we're so very aware of that.

I talk about her everywhere I go - both because I like to do so, and also because it shows that I am not out looking.

Of course, women know that. And it is why I have so many women friends (while not being at all blind to the charms of ALL women; I genuinely like women).


Marge is the love of my life.
#92542 11/13/06 09:01 PM
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Wow Aerial. You've sure brought up a hot topic, one that will find itself a world of different thoughts & opinions, strong ones. Mine included. This is one subject that's drawn dear to my heart unfortunately, so I have a very strong opinion on cheating. I hope that I don't cause offense to someone else.

Cheating, IMO is one of the worst offenses you can commit against someone else. Why? It involves lying to oneself as well as to others & it involves a LOT of pain to ALL involved. When the D-day happens (discovery day of the affair), all parties are affected greatly, especially if there are any children involved.

Aerial wrote:
Quote:
If your spouse/partner cheats do you forgive and forget?
In this instance, I chose to forgive. Forgetting -- that's a whole other issue. You can NEVER forget. However, in time, w/hard work, the incident can be a memory of the past. And it doesn't hurt as much. In time, it can be looked at as something survived rather than something that's so overwhelming you can't get past it.

Sophie wrote:
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I see no problem however in breaking off a relationship for some-one else if and only if you have worked your hardest to make your present relationship work but you just can't save it. There's no point in being unhappy. Although I would perhaps wait a while before openly persuing a new relationship.
I wanted to expand on this a bit, Sophie. Do you mean both partners working their hardest or just one? In most cases that I've seen, one is working hard while the other is not. The one who is not usually thinks they've "done their best" & decides to leave.

Most people do not know that there can be emotional affairs as well as physical affairs. Most people think that it is not considered "cheating" until sex is involved. That couldn't be further from the truth.

In the last part of your statement, I would go a step farther in saying that *I* think it's always best if people wait a while & work on themselves before pursuing another relationship. If people rush in, most instances will show that they carry their "baggage" onto their new relationship & most likely, that will end in failure too b/c they haven't taken the time to evaluate what they would do differently or haven't "let go" of things from the past & come in to a new relationship full of resentments & bitterness that they carry through life.

Most people do not protect their weaknesses. Most people think to themselves that they're immune from cheating b/c "they're not like that"; however, in my experience, it can happen to anyone, even the most upstanding citizen that obeys every law & dots every i. Also, most people do not form boundaries w/the opposite sex (or the same sex if the case may be wink ) to ensure that their weaknesses are protected. What someone may view as just a close friendship may very well turn into an inappropriate friendship given the right circumstances & it can come upon you w/o you even knowing what hit you. That's the way MOST cases of infidelity happen.

Carl wrote:
Quote:
And it is why I have so many women friends
As long as you have your boundaries in place!! smile My husband has often said that he can relate better to women than he can men. He says quite often that "men are pigs". Maybe there's some truth in that. wink


MHA bell tolls to end misunderstanding & discrimination & rings for victory over mental illness.
#92543 11/13/06 10:41 PM
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They only things that I hate about cheating is that most people who do cheat are TOO stupid to protect them selves. If an individual want to go out a sleep around on there partner. Fine, but at least have enough common sense to use condoms so you are not bringing that person home a disease...

By the way if I was cheated on not do not forgive and I would never forget...

#92544 11/13/06 11:11 PM
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MrsJF, yours is a good, solid post. I agree with what you've said. It's obvious that we've thought a lot about the subject.

In a different direction, a woman I know went and fought for her man. Right? Wrong? They're making it work.


Marge is the love of my life.
#92545 11/14/06 01:32 AM
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Quote:
Originally posted by Carl:
MrsJF, yours is a good, solid post. I agree with what you've said. It's obvious that we've thought a lot about the subject.

Unfortunately, I had it shoved in my face so that's all I did was think it & breathe it. Not a good experience.

In a different direction, a woman I know went and fought for her man. Right? Wrong? They're making it work.
So did I & 3 years later we're the happiest we've ever been. The act of forgiveness goes a long way in showing people the difference between doing a bad thing vs being a bad person.

Cyn, most people I know, myself included, said the exact same thing but when it's upon you all of a sudden, especially people in a marriage, you'd be surprised at the # of those who want to save their marriage. That's the uniqueness of everyone. We each have our own limits. I thought this was one of mine. Obviously I was wrong.


MHA bell tolls to end misunderstanding & discrimination & rings for victory over mental illness.
#92546 11/14/06 03:08 AM
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If I were in that boat ...
I could probably forgive, but I would never forget, and most importantly, I would never have the same trust. Thus I don't know that I could actually make it work - forgiving and trusting 2 different things in my book.

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