Hello Freshprince and welcome
I am so very sorry to hear about your father. I lost my Dad over just 11 years ago ~ and it is still painful to me. I was in my 40s then. How I would have coped in my teens, I simply cannot imagine, so I really feel for you. You and your family have my deepest sympathy.
It has only been a year, for you, so it is not at all surprising that you are still mourning, still grieving, still trying to come to terms with your loss. Time helps ~ it truly does ~ but whether or not time completely heals, I couldn't say.
You are only 17 ~ a young man, but with the life experience, really, only of a child. Maybe you are trying too hard to be strong ~ the man of the house, perhaps? ~ and to try to control your emotions? But you should allow your feelings to flow. That will help, I think. And you probably do, therefore, need some alone time.
Your girlfriend is probably very young, too, and simply may not understand. I don't know. She may not have the life experiences to understand your needs. Or perhaps she wants to be there for you, in your time of need, and feels a little rejected that you do not always want, or need, her company.
As for her being 'the one', it is probably far too early to say, and not really worth worrying about at this stage. You love her now, so let the future take care of itself. Just be careful not to do anything, now, based upon an assumed long-term future together, which may not work out. For example, some very young couples, knowing that they are in love, and believing that they always will be, embark upon a sexual relationship, which they may later regret ~ especially if it results in a pregnancy. This is just something to think about ~ and, just possibly, something that your Mum may be worrying about.
It is possible that you will always stay together. I met my husband a week before his 17th birthday and we are still together now, and it is a few days after his 53rd birthday!!!
You say that your Mum doesn't like your girlfriend. That sort of thing is not unusual, but, if your friends do not like her, either, then I have to wonder if they are all seeing something that you are missing.
You say that there is a variety of reasons, and you mention, specifically, that she seems to be 'controlling', in their eyes. This may simply be the reaction to you spending a lot of time with her, instead of with them. They may feel that she is controlling your time, so that you don't share your life with them as much as you used to.
If your Mum actually stops you seeing her, then this is sad, but she must feel that she has her reasons ~ and you
are still a minor.
How well does your Mum know this girl?
Has she spent much time with her, in order to get to know her?
If she got to know her better, then she might begin to see her as you do, and relent a little.
If you are not allowed to see the girl, and she knows how your friends and family feel, then she is bound to get upset ~ especially if you then tell her that you need some alone-time, in order to deal with your inner feelings, regarding the loss of your father.
Another thing to remember is that your Mum is also grieving. I am assumimg that your parents were still together as a couple when your father sadly died. In that case, your mother has lost her husband, life-partner, friend, co-parent, etc. Her whole planned future has disappeared.
Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Does your Mum have brothers or sisters to whom she is close?
Are her parents alive and close by?
Does she have close and supportive friends?
Since you are very young, the chances are that your Mum is young too. She may be trying to protect you from her feelings of grief, loss, anger, loneliness ~ or they may be visible to you.
At a time like this, she probably needs you more than she has ever needed anyone in her adult life ~ to console her grief and alleviate her loneliness.
I have 'children'. My daughter is about your age ~ a young adult. My sons are in their twenties, so they are true adults. Their lives don't revolve around me as they used to ~ they like to do their own thing and spend time with their friends.
What they do not realise ~ just like other young people ~ is that, to a parent, the years since they were tiny have passed incredibly quickly. I used to take them out all the time ~ to the shops, to the park, etc ~ and I miss that. I miss them. Their childhoods have disappeared so very quickly.
For your Mother, you are reaching that age when apron strings have to be broken. You are not a child any more. You do not rely on her all the time as you once did. You are not her constant companion as you once were. It is very likely that she would miss this, anyway, whatever the circumstances, but two things make it even more difficult for her:
~ At this difficult time, she has also lost her husband.
~ Just when she needed you most, you found someone else to love.
Your girlfriend became a part of your life, shortly after you lost your father. This may have helped you, but probably made things more difficult for your Mum.
What now?
Just straight honest talking, I think.
You seem fairly sure that your girlfrind is a pleasant person, and not the controlling and unlikeable person that your friends and your Mum see.
The friends can probably be brought around later, but your Mum needs to get to know this girl well, if she is to like and trust her.
And your Mum needs to know that your girl will not be taking you away from her. Reassure your Mum. Spend quality time with her. Talk with her. Share memories. Help her to cope better by sharing her grief. Let her know that you love her and that having a girlfriend will not change that.
Talk to your girlfriend. Explain that this is a very difficult time for your family ~ that you need time alone to come to terms with your grief and time with your Mum to help her come to terms with hers.
This does not mean that you love your girlfriend any less, just that certain events require certain responses, and that sometimes these will include her, but sometimes they won't ~ and that you are trusting her to understand.
If she realises how much pain your Mum must be going through, then she might be more willing to share you ~ and she will seem less 'controlling'.
If you can all try to be understanding of each other's needs and feelings at this difficult time, then it may well be that everyone can get the best outcome from a very sad situation.
If your Mum knows that she can count on you not to desert her when she needs you; if your girlfriend can understand that her willingness to share and understand could help your relationship to succeed; if you acknowledge that life can be very very sad and difficult at times, but that you can get through it with the support and understanding of those you love; if you can all communicate with each other ~ explaining your feelings and caring about each other's; if you can all try to put yourselves in each other's shoes and try to help each other ~ then you will all be helping yourselves too, and you may all be able to come out of this happier than you are at present.
Good luck ~ and take care of yourself and your Mum
