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#406701 - 12/13/10 11:31 PM male friend getting married  
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jilly Offline
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beneath the rim of the Colorad...
One of my last close friends, who is a guy, will probably be getting married soon. How do i try to remain a part of his life without getting his wife irked? We like to go hiking, backpacking and paddling together and I would be broken hearted to lose that large part of our friendship.


Jilly

#406715 - 12/14/10 03:46 AM Re: male friend getting married [Re: jilly]  
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PDM Offline
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True Blue Soulmate

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I think that it is very difficult for a woman to have a close friendship with a man ~ especially if he is married.

If you work together, then you can chat at work, but, otherwise, I have found that it is virtually impossible to be anything more than distantly friendly.

I have argued on here, before, that platomic friendships are perfectly possible ~ not that everyone believes this ~ but in practice it can be very difficult.


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
#406725 - 12/14/10 02:38 PM Re: male friend getting married [Re: PDM]  
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True Blue Soulmate

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I've continued to think about this and would like to add that I do not mind my husband being friendly with women, or being out in a group with women, but I would not be at all happy if he went for long country walks alone with another woman, or paddling on the beach with her. These ventures seem to be the stuff of romance and I would, actually, be very upset.

If hiking and paddling are to remain on the menu, then I think that others will have to be involved ~ preferably his wife and your hudband ~ and a few other couples, perhaps. smile

Last edited by PDM; 12/14/10 02:40 PM.

"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
#406726 - 12/14/10 04:15 PM Re: male friend getting married [Re: PDM]  
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My husband doesn't enjoy these activities.

I am starting to have a bad feeling about this. It really isn't fair. I have been doing these things with my friend for a decade now. His girlfriend has only been in the picture 6 months.


Jilly

#406864 - 12/19/10 03:49 PM Re: male friend getting married [Re: jilly]  
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True Blue Soulmate

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But that's life, Jilly.
And maybe this girl won't mind you carrying on with your walks, etc.
Maybe they won't even get married ~ 6 months isn't very long.

But you are married, and he is entitled to be married, too ~ with all that this entails.

Last edited by PDM; 12/20/10 04:54 AM. Reason: typos

"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
#406884 - 12/20/10 03:56 AM Re: male friend getting married [Re: PDM]  
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jilly Offline
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I guess what I should have done is find a mate that likes to do the things I like to do. Too late now.

Maybe I will be lucky and my friend will be able to still have adventures together.


Jilly

#406888 - 12/20/10 04:54 AM Re: male friend getting married [Re: jilly]  
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True Blue Soulmate

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Maybe smile
Good luck!


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
#406922 - 12/21/10 07:25 AM Re: male friend getting married [Re: PDM]  
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Angela Nielsen Offline
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It depends if her wife is a an understanding and trust on his husband then there will be no problem.


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#406923 - 12/21/10 07:28 AM Re: male friend getting married [Re: Angela Nielsen]  
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Its complicated when you have a wife that's very jealous because this could be a start of a fight.


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#406925 - 12/21/10 04:28 PM Re: male friend getting married [Re: Angela Nielsen]  
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I'm trying to think of how I would handle something like this if my husband were to go out on hikes with another woman... I think it would bother me because I would be wondering why my husband would want to go and spend all this time with another woman instead of with me - I would wonder why he doesn't ask me to come along, even if that other woman is married, because unfortunately the meaning of marriage to some people doesn't necessarily mean staying loyal.

It's great that you and your male friend are able to go out on hikes and your husband is fine with it, that must mean that he trusts your friend. Reason I say this is because my husband has always told me (and I the same to him), it's the other people we don't trust.

But, no worries about it now, he's not married yet... and who knows what the future will hold. My one suggestion would be to start trying to get her involved with you guys - might make her less apprehensive about it when he suggests going on a hike with you if she's not up for coming along.

#406935 - 12/21/10 09:03 PM Re: male friend getting married [Re: MW1]  
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I agree with you, MW1


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
#407045 - 12/23/10 03:46 PM Re: male friend getting married [Re: MW1]  
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Same here, it would really bothers me a lot when my husband go with another woman especially if their only two of them.


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#418180 - 09/19/11 04:15 AM Re: male friend getting married [Re: jilly]  
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beneath the rim of the Colorad...
Does it make a difference to you guys if the woman friend was in the picture for a decade already as a hiking buddy?

I mean, i've been a constant and true friend all this time. That must count for something. I should not be penalized for having a vajajay. smile


Jilly

#418218 - 09/19/11 11:16 PM Re: male friend getting married [Re: jilly]  
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illusive Fantasy Offline
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i believe once married ...you can have oppositie sex friends BUT..never should go out with the oppositie sex for any activity alone, nor should the opposite sex friend come to the house while the spouse is not there...

after all YOUR MARRIED.

if you do things you do it in mixed group not alone...i dont care how long each may have known each other.

#418219 - 09/19/11 11:23 PM Re: male friend getting married [Re: jilly]  
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True Blue Soulmate

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A lot depends on the people and the situation.

When I was working, and was friendly with some male colleagues, I might sometimes have lunch with one or other of them. No problem. It felt innocent to me and my husband wasn't worried at all. But my Dad found it very odd.

My husband has to work with female colleagues, which may include having lunch together or working away from home. I trust him, so that's ok.

But, as I indicated, before, if he told me that he was going on a long hike, alone in the countryside, with another woman, then I would not like it at all.

Of course, if ~ as in your case ~ this was something that had been happening long before I met him, then I really don't know how I would react. smile


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
#418223 - 09/20/11 12:47 AM Re: male friend getting married [Re: jilly]  
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jilly Offline
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beneath the rim of the Colorad...
Maybe this is a generational gap thing. I am starting to resent being female.


Jilly

#418225 - 09/20/11 01:22 AM Re: male friend getting married [Re: jilly]  
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illusive Fantasy Offline
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never known ethics and moral's to be generational.


#418226 - 09/20/11 01:44 AM Re: male friend getting married [Re: jilly]  
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i disagree this is a moral/ethical issue.


Jilly

#418240 - 09/20/11 03:59 AM Re: male friend getting married [Re: jilly]  
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illusive Fantasy Offline
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thats what im saying jilly...it shouldnt be a generational thing.

#418247 - 09/20/11 06:22 AM Re: male friend getting married [Re: jilly]  
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It's a tough thing to figure out. Sigh. Most of my friends are men and I have lost so many once they get married. Sometimes I think I would have been better off born male. :P


Jilly

#418254 - 09/20/11 09:28 AM Re: male friend getting married [Re: jilly]  
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illusive Fantasy Offline
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lol jilly you sound like a teenager who just lost a puppy love...stompin and pouting...giggle

#418256 - 09/20/11 03:05 PM Re: male friend getting married [Re: jilly]  
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I do sort of know how you feel, Jilly.

I share my educational interests with a few males, with whom I am (or was) quite friendly ~ but I very rarely spend time with them, and could never just ring them up and ask them if they would like to attend a meeting with me ~ even though my own husband has suggested it. Indeed, I haven't even seen these men in a few years.

Other males, with whom I have also been friendly, I don't see at all, any more. We may exchange family Christmas cards, but that's all.

It really is quite sad, but it simply isn't the done thing.


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
#418262 - 09/20/11 08:50 PM Re: male friend getting married [Re: jilly]  
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I tend to resist the 'done thing' i guess. I follow my own drummer. Maybe that does make me a petulant teenager. smile

I am what i am. the situation is what it is. I don't have to like it. And it's better to rant on it here than whinge about it to my friend.

In any case, the point may be moot eventually. My friend never did get around to proposing to this girl...and things don't seem to be going well on that front. I want him to be happy, so i support him working things out with her. But I am now getting a sense he won't be marrying her - he is starting to think she has a control problem where he is concerned.


Jilly

#418313 - 09/21/11 08:08 PM Re: male friend getting married [Re: jilly]  
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Well, I'm glad it's no longer a personal concern for you, Jilly, but it's still an interesting scenario.

I mentioned it to my husband, when you first posted it, and again this morning. He said that things just change when one marries, or finds oneself in a committed relationship. It's not just people of the opposite gender, who one cannot see so much, it may be anyone. Though it's fine to keep one's friends, the 'couple' relationship will change those friendships.

And he felt that it depends, if going hiking together, who else would be there, how long the venture would last, what sort of place one would be visiting, etc.


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
#418317 - 09/21/11 08:52 PM Re: male friend getting married [Re: jilly]  
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illusive Fantasy Offline
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the operative word here is "committed"!!!! and it should be...

if your spouse IMHO is not stimulating you in different ways thru activities ..romance..or intelligence...communication...time to examine whats wrong...each should "complete" the other...be "committed"...

if two are "truly" in love there is a saying and ill quote it here...from madame butterfly ...

"no one before you ...not even I"

i just dont think folks take VOWS seriously or even know the depth of what that means anymore.

go hiking with your spouse...geeeeeeesh....and do it even in a light rain...it shouldnt be done just as a one on one ...outside the marriage....and business lunches...im sorry...do it in a company group/environment, or do it on the phone...not going to a restaurant...i was a district mngr for a international company and simply THAT wasnt done...there were other ways.

and quite truthfully...if your spouse says they dont mind...omg...RED FLAGS...in so many ways...and its nothing to do with trust...or maturity...best start looking to get excitement back tween the two of you ...find the romance again ...do whatever it takes...but never turn your interest to wanting to be alone with the opposite sex OUTSIDE a marriage....for whatever "excuse" you want to label it....if thats the case...guess what its time for....because at that point....

you dont have a marriage you have a boarder...and denial is nasty...

here is a definition of marriage

a close and intimate union; "the marriage of music and dance"; "a marriage of ideas"
wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn

note...operative words...close...intimate...union.....marriage of ideas...

and im quite sure when they say ...marriage of ideas ..they never meant OUTSIDE the BONDS of marriage.

Last edited by illusive Fantasy; 09/21/11 09:26 PM.
#418328 - 09/21/11 11:40 PM Re: male friend getting married [Re: jilly]  
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True Blue Soulmate

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I met my husband in December 1974 and we have been together since January 1975. We rarely have a cross word and still enjoy each other's company very much, but that doesn't mean that we don't enjoy other people's company, too.

Sometimes, my interests coincide more with those of my friends than with those of my husband. He loves sport; I love writing, photography and history.

If I want to go to a history event, then he might suggest that I go with one of the historians I am friendly with, who happen to be male. No red flags required, it's just common sense to go with an interested friend. My husband doesn't mind, because he trusts me and thinks it makes sense. But I don't.

I might go out for the day to a castle, taking photos, with a friend. If it is a female friend, no-one thinks anything of it. If it is a male friend ~ well, it doesn't happen, because it doesn't feel right, unless it is as part of a big mixed group.

It is a bit of a shame that we are not 'allowed' to have friends of a different gender ~ but I do, of course, understand why.


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
#418330 - 09/21/11 11:54 PM Re: male friend getting married [Re: jilly]  
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everyone is allowed "free choice" but then there is this thing called "free will" very different...an its not even what OTHERS think...to heck with them...OTHERS have and always love to gossip will when your dead too...

as long as individuals we make the "choice" to have the "will" to do things ethically and morally to heck with what OTHERS think.

im sure glad that to you ...it doesnt make sense...but again ...to heck with what i think...i dont have to live with you giggle...and im not the one to suffer any decisions you make and the consequences of those choices either...

its about US as individuals...knowing instinctively as well ..."right from wrong"

nice you listen to your deep female instincts and know the difference of free choice...free will...and right from wrong..

VERYYYY respectable and i might add ...nice that you HONOR yourself and your MARRIAGE

PS i better add one of these grin now as some very wise person told me to do that so folks would understand im not really shouting... blush

Last edited by illusive Fantasy; 09/21/11 11:58 PM.
#418421 - 09/22/11 11:32 PM Re: male friend getting married [Re: jilly]  
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True Blue Soulmate

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smile smile smile


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
#418432 - 09/23/11 12:19 AM Re: male friend getting married [Re: jilly]  
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omg does that mean i scored three stars or those guys for my commentary giggle

we dooo need more activated emoticons

Last edited by illusive Fantasy; 09/23/11 12:19 AM.
#418467 - 09/23/11 07:28 AM Re: male friend getting married [Re: jilly]  
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beneath the rim of the Colorad...
Wow, Illusive, I completely disagree with you on so many levels. I guess we can agree to disagree.


Jilly

#418471 - 09/23/11 08:01 AM Re: male friend getting married [Re: jilly]  
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illusive Fantasy Offline
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we sure can its called "free choice" lol

#419880 - 11/04/11 05:27 PM Re: male friend getting married [Re: jilly]  
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u can still cntinue wid him but u have to join her wife too now nd make her feel that ur there only to make their rlationshop stronger nd stronger

#419881 - 11/04/11 05:35 PM Re: male friend getting married [Re: illusive Fantasy]  
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parrot smile is lukin awsome and da cage :)too but da parrot isnt hppy coz frown noone wants to be restricted caged etc. even we cnt even live under our parents restrictions in our sweet home so how can a parrot lives happy there in a cage

#419890 - 11/05/11 05:27 AM Re: male friend getting married [Re: jilly]  
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beneath the rim of the Colorad...
pawiiandbhawii, that is a very good point about making it so I can be an asset to their marriage. Any ideas how to do that? Will have to give that some thought! smile


Jilly

#420041 - 11/11/11 09:28 PM Re: male friend getting married [Re: jilly]  
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Well now. My friend and his fiance actually broke up this week.


Jilly

#420087 - 11/13/11 07:54 PM Re: male friend getting married [Re: jilly]  
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True Blue Soulmate

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Wow!!! smile


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
#420089 - 11/13/11 08:03 PM Re: male friend getting married [Re: jilly]  
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There are so many times that we spend our energy about what might happen in the future, and it never even does happen smile

Whether you're male or female, there's almost always going to be some sorts of issues if you become interested in opposite-sex heterosexual friends. So it wouldn't have been "better" if you'd been born a guy - you could easily have become friends with a female and had the same issue when other relationships developed.

That is part of the reason many people make an effort to develop same-sex heterosexual friends with common interests, because those relationships are more immune to those sorts of concerns.

You're actively working on that task, slowly but surely, so that is great!

And in the meantime, you still have access to your male friend, which is also great.


Lisa Shea, Owner
#420686 - 12/05/11 03:53 AM Re: male friend getting married [Re: jilly]  
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beneath the rim of the Colorad...
Really? It would never occur to me to make same sex friendships because of that kind of concern. I guess it's something I can try to do now, though.

I finally have some local girlfriends to do some things with. That's much more than i had before. I should see if any of those girls are into hiking, paddling or camping. Maybe one of them would like to go camping at the hot springs?

hmmmm


Jilly

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