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6609510 Offline OP
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That is indeed the question.

My SO (significant other) and I have been together for several years. We are not married, and do not live together. However both of us use "we" when making reference to the future and have had many discussions about it, both casual and serious - the path is there and solidly formed.

Unfortunately, SO and I both have some deeply rooted issues with relationships and trust, going as far back as our youth. We have had similar yet not completely same situations that challenge concerns about trust, abandonment, infidelity, and grief. For the larger part, we have been very much a source of strength and support to each other dealing with these issues.

As similar as we and our experiences may have been, we handle our feelings in vastly different ways. For example, my SO though they have admitted they feel jealousy at times, is very good at hiding it and keeping it inside. I am not so well versed.

Both of us have many friends of both genders - casual acquaintances and close friends alike. Many of these people are mutual friends, a few are not. For the larger part, again, this is no issue. Regardless of our pasts, both of us are rational, caring, devoted individuals are have no desire to hurt one another or see our relationship end. We also have no desire to give up our friendships, or have our motives questioned.

Unfortunately I have a very difficult time with certain friends of my SO. They are ones that are not close to me, though I do know who they are and have spent some time with them in group settings. I know my SO has spent some amount of one on one time with them - I can't be sure how much anymore because I think my SO chooses to not mention them to me because I am not their biggest fan.

My concern is these "friends" seem very clingy and needy to me - almost as though my SO is their only friend. At times it even seems to me they may be actively pursuing my SO - even though I am quite sure my SO has made it clear how much they love me, and are with ME. I often wonder if at the very least these friends are making their affection apparent perhaps hoping that if we break up they might capitalize on the opportunity - or worse - try to cause a break-up.

My feelings stem from my personal observation of these friends - their body language, regular phone calls / text messages, and dropping by to visit at my SO's place of business (their work is open to the public).

As previously stated, I think I can speak freely for both myself and my SO that we have no desire to step on each other's toes when it comes to friends or freedoms. Meaning: the last thing I would ever do is ask my SO to stop talking to these people or seeing them, even though deep down that's exactly what I would prefer.

If my SO is in fact aware that these people are interested in them, is it healthy for anyone involved for my SO to continue a friendship with them? I guess in some way as annoyed as I may be, I feel sorry for them - if they really and truly are pining for my baby with NO earthly reason to believe they will achieve their goal any time soon - how frustrating for them? Again, I think this goes back to they don't have many friends, and are clinging to my SO because of proximity and lack of options.

I'm sure, on the other side, my SO being the person they are will not abandon a friend - especially if it's just because that other person has feelings my SO cannot control. Though I do appreciate this theory, is remaining friends in this situation really and truly the most respectful solution for all parties involved?

I really despise the fact that hypothetical situation and perceived behavior makes me jealous but, that is the fact of the matter. I imagine it's a combination of fears that all amount of my desire to minimize any possible chance of losing someone who is very dear to me.

Seeing as I feel I have pretty well psycho-analyzed the situation and myself, that brings me to absolutely no resolution with this issue. I will not ask my SO to not see their friends. I am not that type of person.

That being said, have I just sentenced myself to forever having to be upset about this?

Does anyone have some insight for me?


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True Blue Soulmate
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Hello 6609510 smile

You know, I think that many people go through this.

We are content to have friends of both genders, and for our partners to have friends of both genders, but when we see that some of the 'friends' may want to be more than friends, we start to feel uncomfortable.

I think that this is normal.

Have you tried saying to your 'SO' ~
'You do know that Grizelda (insert the correct name here) fancies you, don't you?

If s/he has noticed, then you could probably discuss the matter and see how you both feel.

If s/he has not noticed, then you could tell them to be careful not to let them get the wrong impression ~ for their sake as much as anything.

S/he has admitted to feeling jealous and hiding it, so s/he is not so very different from you.

Maybe this is a subject that you need to get out in the open. You have agreed that you wouldn't stop your partner seeing friends, but you don't want to start bearing grudges because of your discomfort.

Talk about it. Maybe you will then feel more reassured smile


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
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It has come up once before. One of these people gave my SO a very thoughtful and expensive gift last year. It took some thought, research, and I'm sure they had to save money to make it happen. There was nothing wrong with the gift, but I felt the whole detailed gesture was a bit out of place, and a conversation did end up developing.

Basically my SO's opinion is that this person's feelings are just that and should not reflect on their friendship, at least from my SO's standpoint. We're together, and will continue to be until one or both of us decides we're not.

All of this I agree with and totally appreciate. This is why I feel sorta trapped. I hate the idea of bringing it up again - like beating a dead horse and making my SO think I don't trust them when we have technically already addressed this issue.

That's also why I hesitate to bring it up about the others. On SO's side - it seems cut and dry. The last thing I want to do is slowly push them into someone else's arms because every few months I'm reminded of their "friends" and have a moment of insecurity.

I guess I'm hoping someone knows how I can deal with this on my own - since I realize that's really and truly the only thing I have any control over in this situation.

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I suppose, then, if you want to sort this out on your own, you just need to ask yourself a couple of questions:

Do you believe what your partner told you last time?
Do you think that your partner is loyal and trustworthy?
Do you trust your partner?

The thing is, anything can happen, at any time, to any relationship. No-one can really stop themselves falling in or out of love.

Your partner has indicated that they see their future with you.

These other 'friends' presumably know that.
But still they flirt.
But still they are not with your 'SO' ~ you are.

Quote:
... from my SO's standpoint. We're together, and will continue to be until one or both of us decides we're not

You know what you see in this person ~ so you must understand why others see it too.

Hopefully these other 'friends' are not being led on ~ they must realise that you are 'a couple'.

Let them be jealous of you. You are the one in the relationship. Forget them. Let them have their dreams.

If, by some chance, one day, one of them does settle down with your partner, then there is not much you can do about it. You would be better off ensuring that this does not happen, by keeping your relationship happy and fresh.

I still think that honesty and communication are healthy, though, and I still think that, if you find that you are becoming unhappy and annoyed, then you should explain this to your parter.
No-one can deal with something that they are ignorant of, so give your partner a chance to help you accept and understand things.

Quote:
'One of these people gave my SO a very thoughtful and expensive gift last year. It took some thought, research, and I'm sure they had to save money to make it happen. There was nothing wrong with the gift, but I felt the whole detailed gesture was a bit out of place'

From a purely personal point of view, I, too, would feel wary if a girl gave my husband an expensive and 'thoughtful' gift. I wouldn't consider it appropriate (unless she were very rich and dished out gifts to one and all) and I think that I would be very concerned that he made it clear to her what their relationship was - and what it wasn't. So you are not the only person who would respond like this ~ and I don't think that it is just jealousy.

What would happen, if it were the other way around, do you think?


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
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Most likely they would be quietly upset. They might crack a joke about my other lover buying my affection. Humor is often their nervous twitch.

A while later, if it still bothered them, the might mention it to me if they felt it needed to be discussed - but I bet not.


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True Blue Soulmate
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If both of you allow your concerns to hide beneath the surface, then they could simmer until, one day, they may blow smile


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
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PDM - I tried to send you a PM. Evidently I can't do that. I could get a lot more specific about things but as you can likely tell I am being vague on purpose - lacking specific pronouns etc.

The internet is such a public forum, I am scared to post a lot of specific details.

I can say that I don't think my SO is nearly as concerned about my friendships as I am with some of theirs.

Not sure if this is just because they are not quite as insecure as I am, or if it's because they are so caught up in maintaining their own personal freedom they're not going to question mine in fairness.

I would likely say that my SO would be the type of person who truly believes you cannot control another person. Basically if one of us were to be unfaithful, that would be the fact of the matter and we would have to decide how to handle that when the situation came to light. Until then, it's unimportant especially in terms of letting our insecurities make each other uncomfortable.

SO knows how I feel about one of these situations. That to me should spill over into any similar.

I am willing to do whatever it takes to make my relationship work - but I also hate the thought of having the wool pulled over my eyes. This is the other piece of what makes me insecure. The fear of my feelings being trifled with.

I think where we honestly would reach an impasse is in dealing with a specific situation such as:

I personally think it's disrespectful to my relationship to go out, one on one, with someone who I have any reason to believe would prefer we were dating and they want to spend any time at all with me because of that - OR to allow them to make any advances towards me be it what I would normally consider harmless flirting or more...

but I think my SO may see it more as hanging out with a friend and I have no control over their feelings so why should I not spend time with them? It's them, not me and besides that it's kind of nice to feel that I am attractive and worthy of the attention of someone other than my mate. Since I know I am in control of my feelings and actions and will not betray my current relationship, what's the harm?



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I understand ~ at least, I think that I do.

When I was younger, I sometimes used to go for lunch with attractive male colleagues, and my husband didn't worry about it, because he completely trusted me and he knew that I could not deceive him if I tried. My Dad thought that it was very odd and said that he would not have been happy if it had been his wife.

The thing is, that no matter how nice these young men were, or how attractive, or how friendly, I ~ and they ~ knew who my partner was. I could enjoy their company ~ but that was all. We were just friends.

However, if I had gone out with just one of them, alone, for an evening, I really think that this would have been a different matter. I think that I would then have over-stepped a boundary ~ and I'm guessing that my husband might have thought so, too ~ especially if my companion were to have bought me expensive gifts.

So I agree that it is possible to have close friends, who are 'just friends', but if one member of a couple is unhappy about boundaries, then I don't see how this can be ignored.

My husband works with several women, and the job sometimes takes them away from home, but I trust him and see nothing to worry about.

But ... if my husband went out, alone, with a woman, who bought him expensive gifts, but who was just 'a friend', would I be concerned and upset?

Yes! Very!


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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