RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Does He/She Like Me? Cheating Advice...

I know some people may be angry reading this, but to anyone that can offer any constructive insight i would really appreciate it. First off i will start by saying what the two of us did is WRONG, although for some reason (maybe because we have so much history) it all seems to fly out the window when we are ever around each other. I was sleeping with my ex about 18 months ago, we broke it off becasue we both started seeing people and didnt want what we were doing to mess up our new relationships, we were each others 1st loves & have been on/off for over 12 years. He has girlfriend & i have a boyfriend. He has been calling and texting me non stop for over 4 months wanting to hook up (about 10 calls at least each time he calls) and i just didnt respond to any for a long time, i finally caved & we hooked up & then he came over in the morning & we picked up where we left off the nite b4 we were both sober for the next meeting and after he left he was telling me he couldnt wait to see me again and how he would message or call me in a few days. All that nitght & next day he couldnt stop telling me how he always thinks bout me even when he is having sex with his girlfriend and wouldnt stop talking about our history and past times we were togehter, I asked him why he wanted to be with me and he couldnt give me a proper answer he just said he does love her but no one can get him off like i can? So its purely a sex thing from what i gathered. Monday morning i get text saying he now feels 2 guilty & it cant happen again, which is fine because i dont want it to as i myself am racked with guilt (but that it my own fault and something i have to live with and pay for) but what i dont get is why does he only feel guilty now & why did he bother trying 2 score wth me 4 so long if he "loves" her? My guess is its a sex thing but if anyone can offer any thoughts i would appreciate it.

Hi Jessica

Maybe there are a few things going on here.

Some people have casual sex with anyone; some will have 'friendly' sex with people they like; some want to be in a relationship of some kind; some want to be in a committed monogomous long-term relationship, like marriage.

You two were in a relationship, you were each other's first loves, and you have been on/off for over 12 years.

First love is very special. I have read that no-one ever really forgets their first love and that most people keep a special place in their heart for them.

In your case, you each have the other in that 'special place' ~ and they have been in that special place for 12 long years, or more. So, even when you were no longer boyfriend / girlfriend, the special bond remained ~ as did the sex life.

You felt comfortable with each other; you trusted each other; you probably still loved each other in some way. But you were no longer 'in love' with each other ~ which is why you both found someone else.

You seem to have gone from sex in a loving relationship, to sex in a trusting friendly relationship.
But was it the same for both of you?
Did you both fall out of love at the same time?
Is it possible that, while one thought that you were simply indulging in friendly sex, the other continued to be in love?

And, when new partners come along, can you just turn the old relationship off?
Because you had ~ and possibly still have ~ some kind of special relationship, even after you were no longer boyfriend and girlfriend.

Many people will disagree with me, but I feel that it is very possible to have strong feelings for two people at the same time. The thing is, what to do about those feelings?
I think that one should decide on who one really loves and then remain faithful to them ~ regardless of others who one may be attracted to, or really like, or maybe even love.

You ask about his behaviour, but what about yours?
Why did you agree to see him?
Why did you sleep with him?

He is feeling guilty now, but so are you.
He may have made the first move to get together, and you may have resisted for a while, but, basically, you both chose to meet up, knowing that sex was likely to occur and, so, knowing that you were going to be ~ or likely to be ~ unfaithful.

You are guessing that he wants to spend time with you, because he prefers sex with you. Maybe you are right, But he also indicated that he cannot stop thinking about you ~ which sounds like something a bit deeper.

Is it possible that he is still in love with you, but has to accept that you are with someone else?

Alternatively, could it be that you and he have been so involved for so long that he cannot imagine life without you ~ even now that he has a new girlfriend?

How do you feel about him?
If he didn't have a girlfriend, would you go back to him?
Are you happier with your current boyfriend?
Do you think that your current relationship will be a long-term one?
Do you envisage this ex-boyfriend going out of your life completely ~ or will he always be a part of your life?

Just a few things to ponder.
You are pondering already of course.
You feel guilty ~ but do you really wish that it hadn't happened?
Or are you glad that it did, in some way?

Do the current partners know all about the relationship between you are your ex?

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply to my post. Your views and the points you raised have given me a lot to think about and given me perspective on a few things. I think there will always be a part of me that loves him and I really do love my boyfriend (although my actions to some may not reflect this) and I don’t know that I will be with my current boyfriend forever and I don’t know that I will ever be with my ex again either. I think you are right though I should focus on who I really love which is my current boyfriend because although I will always love my ex the love I have for my boyfriend is different so I should focus on growing and caring for that. Its strange that we were both able to turn it off so fast as soon as we both found other people, maybe its because it has been like it for so long that we both know it may be something we can come back to at some stage or maybe we know that it probably wont work out. I think the reason I agreed to see him was because I enjoy how he makes me feel, when I speak to him everything seems to go out the window (consequences, boyfriends you name it) and brings back a feeling that I don’t get when I run into or speak to other ex's, a feeling I cant really explain.. Maybe its because I want to make sure that I can be with him again "just one last time" in case it never happens again which is something I just have to forget about, I should be thinking so what if it never happens again and focusing on my current boyfriend. Sleeping with him just felt so right, I also really wanted to because I am extremely attracted to him but I find I can forget all that when I don’t see or speak to him all these thoughts and feelings only come on when I see or speak to him. That’s is why I don’t understand why he is saying he is so guilty now, I knew before this happened that I would feel guilty, I know I went and did it anyway but it was a feeling I knew I couldn’t avoid if I slept with him. Did he not think about it or maybe he just didn’t think it would affect him as badly as it did? I asked him if he regretted it and he said he didn’t and that he just feels guilty but I think he may regret it and I don’t want him to think of me as some kind of mistake. I knew very well that we were just going to have some fun and that neither of us was going to leave our partners but I do still care what he thinks of me... I know I shouldn’t though. I think that I would be or would like to think I would be with him if I wasn’t with my current boyfriend and he didn’t have a girlfriend just because things feel easy and natural when imp with him. Although I am happier with my boyfriend in a lot of ways that I know I wouldn’t have with my ex and vice versa. I feel extremely guilty about it, but I do not wish that it hadn’t happened, I am glad it did and I am glad that its not continuing even though I would have liked it to some degree I know realistically it could have continued. Imp just struggling with where he is coming from and what he thinks or feels about it, as it seems so hot and cold and if we don’t meet again I don’t want his last memory of me as one of regret. I can speak for myself when I say my current partner knows about him to an extent, he knows he was my first love and that we were on and off for a long time and he thinks I have like a sisterly relationship with my ex. I don’t know if his partner knows about our history, I’d assume she doesn’t. The only other problem I have is that he left his watch at my house and I have to see him at some stage to give it back to him so I hope it’s not too awkward! Obviously I have a lot more to think about and a lot of thoughts and feelings to put in order but thank you so much for your fantastic advice! It has really helped me. I just need to go away now and THINK :)

Hello Jessica, It certainly sounds as if you have a special bond with your ex and that is going to be very difficult to deal with when you have another boyfriend. It sounds as if it is the same for him. [quote]'I feel extremely guilty about it, but I do not wish that it hadn’t happened, I am glad it did'[/quote] He says the same, so I don't think that you have any reason to doubt that he means it, if you do. Yes, I agree, you need to think. Good luck :)

You know for both the other peoples sake you know you need to end it. I just found out my boy friend of not even a year has been talking to other women about meeting them behind my back. Now i am friends with these women. They tell me all kinds of things. People who cheat always always think they will never get caught but they do. And there always so sorry but there not. I am trying to decide if i am going to dumb him cause he will not get rid of his ex's. You need to knock it off and grow up.

Welcome to the forum pdp78

Thanks for contributing for that useful angle on the situation

It's always painful when the person you are with is cheating. Most people I know have been on either end at least once. I'm sorry you heard about your guy and the way you found out about your guy, but in my opinion, the world has changed....cheating isn't the same as it used to be. Not to say that it's OK, but think about it. Our WHOLE world revolves around sex. It's almost like we are getting pressured into cheating.
People who cheat get something out of it that they NEED...not just a thrill sometimes. I cheated on my husband...and I felt BAAAAAAAAAD. I even seeked help because cheating made me so happy and actually HELPED my (horrible horrible) marriage and I wanted it to work so bad. My therapist actually told me that my cheating was giving me what was missing out of my relationship. My husband and I had no connection, just husband and wife duties. (paying bills, fixing he house, ect....but if we didn't sleep in the same bed, we would've never had seen eachother) The man I was cheating WITH gave me the tenderness and support I desperately needed. My therapist ACTUALLY TOLD ME to continue seeing my side-guy. AGAIN...I'm not saying it was OK, but it's another way to look at it.

I do have to say that my marriage ended...but not because we BOTH were cheating, but because we both agreed that we were too different. His gf supported him how I couldn't and my bf supported me how he couldn't. Even today I feel like I'm missing something in my relationships, but I've been with the same man for 4 years and haven't cheated on him....I'm NOT planning on marrying him ANYTIME in the future though.

Just a thought...sometimes cheating is selfish and ugly and hurtful, but sometimes it's, well....not. Sometimes it can be an open relationship and be healthy for all parties. To each their own, ya know?