Hi JaymieShayne
I'll just read through and put my thoughts ~ so it could be long
I hope that it may help.
I'm sure that other will give you some useful input too.
It took him a year after that to work out weather or not I was the one for him.
Sometimes people seem to just know that they have found Mr or Miss Right. Sometimes it takes a littler longer to be sure.
It's important that you make the right choice, when choosing a life partner ~ it's a big commitment.
The fact that you have mentioned this, at all, makes me think that you may have been sure about it a lot sooner than he was and that you are still concerned about this matter. Is that correct?
How does it make you feel?
If your response is somewhat negative, could this be affecting your behaviour towards him and, consequently, his behaviour towards you?
We have now been living together for 3 years. For the first year he had back problems and was unable to work the second year I started having depression problems. ... I started to yell more and he started to distance himself more.
You must have heard the saying that when money flies out of the window, love flies out of the door.
It is possible to be happy, even with financial problems, but it is more difficult.
Most men have something in their psyche, which tells them that they should be the breadwinner. If he couldn't work for a year, then this might have affected him badly.
It might even have caused something similar to depression.
If you now have depression, then this is a cocktail that could cause a downward spiral.
But do you actually have depression?
Sometimes problems can cause real misery, but that is not the same as clinical depression, so be sure that this is what you have.
If you do have clinical depression, then this is going to be very difficult for your partner to cope with.
I know, because I have suffered with depression & I know how difficult it was for my husband.
A number of the members on here have also suffered. If you do a search, you may find some of our stories.
Personally, I would be wary of prozac. It doesn't suit everyone, though I do know people who it has helped.
Are you eating and sleeping well? ~ If not, look carefully at your diet and make sure that you are getting all the vitamins and minerals that you need.
Especially good for depression are Vitamins C, D & B. Of course, one has to be very, very careful if 'self-medicating', so check things out well.
Why are you 'yelling', by the way?
He is more likely to 'distance himself' if you shout at him.
Do you feel that this is helpful to either of you, or do you just want to vent?
Do you feel that he is being unpleasant enough to warrant your yelling?
...he has started to be really mean
'Mean' as in 'nasty' or 'mean' as in 'miserly'?
...we only laugh together if we're watching a funny tv show...
I think that this is actually quite positive.
You are both laughing ~ which is good in the circumstances ~ and you are laughing together. That is very good.
...I know we love each other ...
... We have talked about breaking up and it's not what either of us want...
Good again. More positives.
...We have talked about breaking up...
This may sound negative, but actually it may be quite positive, because it means that you are communicating, acknowledging the problem, being honest about it (hopefully) and deciding that splitting up is 'not what either of [you] want'.
But if it is not what either of you want, why are you still considering it ~ you say:
'but maybe it's the right thing to do?'The thing is, if you are telling your brain that splitting up is the right thing to do, then your subconscious mind may well try to make it a reality.
What do you really want? Honestly?
Do you want to stay together, and make things work, or do you want to end the relationship?
When you told your boyfriend that you did not want to break up, were you being truthful?
When you say that you love him, are you being honest?
Are you certain that he really does love you, and really does want this relationship to last?
If you love him and want to stay with him, and he feels the same way, then you (both) need to think positive and work towards sorting things out.
The doubts may be the result of depression, or the depression may be a result of the doubts.
Try to think positive.
Im so confused about what is even happening to us
Confusion, depression, worry ~ they all go together.
But I wonder if you really just want to be certain about what he wants & what you want???
.... it just feels like we are an old married couple. ...
... We never talk we never do anything fun. ....
Someone else posted something similar very recently. It's true that romance can dwindle after the initial excitement of a relationship, but it can last, if you work at it. Going on dates can rekindle the romance. If you are short of cash it doesn't have to be an expensive date ~ you could just go for a quiet walk together & take a picnic, perhaps. Something like that could be a lovely way to spend private quality time together.
.... He is starting his own business as an electrician and he is starting to make a very nice amount of money each week. but he keeps saying how we are broke and how Im an idiot for thinking that our lives are fine and dandy. but I think things are really great?!?!?!
Having one's own business is a huge responsibility and can be a huge risk. This must be a very stressful time for him. There has been a global financial depression, recently, and many people are out of work. People need electricians, so hopefully your boyfriend will do well, but there are no guarantees. Customers may already have an electrician who they trust, or who is cheaper, or nearer, or whatever. They may come to him once, but never again, for any number of reasons. Your boyfriend has been out of work with health problems ~ maybe bills had mounted up ~ what if he has more health problems, and is out of work again? I can understand him thinking that life is not yet 'fine and dandy'. The business is only in its infancy and there must be many bills to pay.
.... The other biggest factor is that I havent had a job in 4 months. The longer I sit around for the more depressed I get.
Well, don't sit around. Do something.
As you say, the more you sit around, the worse you feel.
You need fresh air, exercise and sunlight.
You need to motivate yourself.
Go for walks, do some gardening, go out looking for work opportunities.
Spring-clean your home a little early.
Cut some evergreens with berries and brighten up your place.
But do make sure that you are safe!
There are ways of making money, at home, and there is a complete section for this on the forum.
Take a look. Get some ideas.
.... I sat him down one day and explained that I know how my not having a job is taking a toll on the relationship and that he is stressed about money because I dont have a job, I then went to say that I had gone to the doctor that day as I want to fix things and got a prescription for Prozac (happy pills). So I asked him to please buy me the first lot of prozac which would then enable me to get a job......... He stared at me blankly then just said sorry cant do that we have no money.....
If he has the business, then is he dealing with the financial side of things too?
Is it that he understand your household finances better than you do and is simply being realistic about the money you have?
This is very possible.
Of course, he may, somehow, have amassed a lot of money, but, if he has been unemployed for a year, and is only just starting a business, and you are not earning, and there are household bills to pay, then I am guessing that he really does not have money to spare.
Do you actually need prozac to get a job? It is unfortunate that it costs a lot of money to buy it, if your doctor feels that you would benefit from it.
What did the doctor say about this?
While drugs may make you feel better, simply getting out and about, getting sunshine & exercise, and actively seeking something worthwhile to do, might possibly have the same effect.
Im confused,
I feel alone,
he is making feel like I must be a crazy person.
I am trying to work out whether this is a man who is simply trying to sort out his life, his work, his relationship and his finances, or a man who is not interested in his relationship, or in his partner.
You seem to feel that either he, or his behaviour, is making you feel negative about yourself.
Is he an uncaring person, who doesn't want to be part of your life?
Or does he love you, but have worries on his mind, which he feels uinwilling or unable to share with you?
You are not crazy, but you may both be misunderstanding or not understanding each other. This may make you feel very alone.
He may be feeling alone too ~ I wonder if he is?
I wonder, have you offered to help him with his business, while you are unemployed?
What do I do. Do I keep trying to salvage this or do I leave while he is at work one day???
What do you want to do?
Only you can decide.
But try to give this some objective thought.
Is he a good man, who loves you and deserves your love, but is distracted, because of business and financial burdens?
Or is he an uncaring man, who doesn't care whether you are there or not, and is more interested in work than in your life together?
Or is it that you don't really know how he feels, and are still worried that he thinks he might have made the wrong choice, when he decided to choose you to live with?
Does he have friends? Does he socialise? Does he spend much money on himself?
Do you have friends? Do you go out much?
Leaving while he is at work seems a little unfair, to me, unless he is violent and / or abusive.
You may need some counselling to sort out your thoughts. Often you have to pay, but not always.
You could try writing things down. That can help.
Talking to your partner is usually a good idea, but his mind may be elsewhere, if he is worrying about work and money.
I, personally, found the 'Venus and Mars' books of John Gray extremely helpful in sorting out the differences between the way men and women think and talk, and also in interpreting and understanding the way male partners often behave in their homes & towards their female partners. You might find some in the library. I think that these books could possibly help you to understand each other better.
You are only 20. Many 20-year-olds are just having fun, with few responsibilities ~ but not you, you have taken on adult responsibilities relatively early. Many would find this difficult to deal with.
How do you feel about it?
Does this bother you?
At 25, your boyfriend, too, is still quite young, but he may well feel that he, being older & male, has to bear the brunt of your joint responsibilities. Do you know how he feels about this, and whether it bothers him?
If it took a year for him to decide, and you have lived together for three years, then you got together when you were only 16, and you have been living together, as a married couple, since you were only 17. That's a big step to take, at a very young age.
How do you feel about that now?
Do you know how he feels about it?
For some people, age is never an issue, but for many, it is.
Have you given this consideration?
Good luck!
