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#394138 - 01/25/10 06:10 PM Re: Stress reduction - do you use a humidifyer? [Re: Lisa Shea]
jilly Offline
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Registered: 07/07/08
Posts: 1795
Loc: beneath the rim of the Colorad...
I like that idea of hanging wet clothes. Excellent idea. We do leave the tub water out as long as possible. Plants we won't get until we are sure we know where will will be living.

I found a tiny potpourri crockpot for $1.50 for dan's office at my thrift store. He loves it. We fill it with water and cinnamon scented oil, and he leaves that to run. It barely gets hot, which is perfect. It helps his sensitive eyes a lot.
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#394165 - 01/25/10 07:05 PM Re: Stress reduction - do you use a humidifyer? [Re: jilly]
Lisa Shea Online   content

Silver Star Soulmate

Registered: 10/20/04
Posts: 5987
Loc: US
You could get just a few herb plants for the windows, sometimes even the smallest greenery makes a bit emotional difference.

That's great that the crockpot is a cheap wonderful solution!

Can you paper his walls with pictures of green places and make him a virtual oasis in there?
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#394206 - 01/25/10 09:53 PM Re: Stress reduction - do you use a humidifyer? [Re: Lisa Shea]
jilly Offline
Best Friend

Registered: 07/07/08
Posts: 1795
Loc: beneath the rim of the Colorad...
LOL, he has actually papered over his window with black so no outside light can get it. Weirdo.

I bet I can find him a low light plant as a gift, like lucky bamboo, for his desk. That might help. Good idea!
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#394214 - 01/25/10 10:49 PM Re: Stress reduction - do you use a humidifyer? [Re: jilly]
Lisa Shea Online   content

Silver Star Soulmate

Registered: 10/20/04
Posts: 5987
Loc: US
If he has made himself a cave then it really doesn't matter WHERE in the world he is, he could be in an underground chamber. So in that case it doesn't matter if the area he's in is green or brown smile
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#394233 - 01/25/10 11:23 PM Re: Stress reduction - do you use a humidifyer? [Re: Lisa Shea]
jilly Offline
Best Friend

Registered: 07/07/08
Posts: 1795
Loc: beneath the rim of the Colorad...
I've asked him that. I think he is a curmudgeon who can't be pleased. Or maybe he wants to annoy me by hating my chosen area. He says that is not the case, so i am forced to believe him.

In any case, he says i can keep living out here but he won't be coming back to visit as it's "unbearably ugly."

No logic here.
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Jilly


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#394391 - 01/26/10 11:21 PM Re: Stress reduction - do you use a humidifyer? [Re: jilly]
Lisa Shea Online   content

Silver Star Soulmate

Registered: 10/20/04
Posts: 5987
Loc: US
Every person certainly has the right to feel the way they wish about things. So I would never say that a person's point of view is wrong.

I have been trying to imagine if there was a place I would simply never want to go. So - thinking outside the box - say there was a dog slaughter facility in the Philippines. Say that - legally - all day long they slaughtered dogs. Now say for some reason Bob decided to set up a house there right in the center of it all. Every time I went to see Bob, I would be surrounded by dogs being slain.

I could understand telling Bob that I simply had to refuse to see him there. That I loved him dearly, and I really wanted to see him, but that something deep inside me prevented me from going to that location. That I hated having to make that choice but that it would disturb me for the rest of my life to have to do that.

So. I can see the situation being *possible*. I can see there being a situation - albeit a very unlikely one - which would cause me to have that feeling.

From there I suppose it gets into a "degrees of pain" issue. If Bob simply got an apartment in New York City - a location which is way too loud and busy and scary for me - it would bother me a lot to see him, but I would struggle through it.
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#394424 - 01/27/10 01:59 AM Re: Stress reduction - do you use a humidifyer? [Re: Lisa Shea]
jilly Offline
Best Friend

Registered: 07/07/08
Posts: 1795
Loc: beneath the rim of the Colorad...
"From there I suppose it gets into a "degrees of pain" issue. If Bob simply got an apartment in New York City - a location which is way too loud and busy and scary for me - it would bother me a lot to see him, but I would struggle through it."

That is exactly it. He has told me her would be struggling and unhappy if he had to come out here each year. He said he does not feel it would be worth it.

In any case, he liked the bamboo plant idea.

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Jilly


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#394433 - 01/27/10 02:34 AM Re: Stress reduction - do you use a humidifyer? [Re: jilly]
Lisa Shea Online   content

Silver Star Soulmate

Registered: 10/20/04
Posts: 5987
Loc: US
On one hand the idea of "worth it" bothers me, emotionally. You are a couple.

But then I come back to the dog-slaughter house idea. So I can acknowledge, intellectually, that the possibility does exist.

For me, the idea of Sedona equating to a dog slaughter house seems really far fetched. But that then has me judging how another person feels internally, which would be wrong.

To me the New York City example is a far more similar example. I would not like the noise, the crowds, the pollution, the feeling of intense nervousness I would have. I would be nearly petrified. But I would find a way to do it. But I admit I would also really want him to choose somewhere else that was not so scary for me.
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#394435 - 01/27/10 02:52 AM Re: Stress reduction - do you use a humidifyer? [Re: Lisa Shea]
jilly Offline
Best Friend

Registered: 07/07/08
Posts: 1795
Loc: beneath the rim of the Colorad...
I am struggling to figure this out myself. Dan is inscrutable.

I would not want to visit anyone in a dog slaughterhouse either. Or in an area that I had to deal with malaria, or an area with civil unrest. That would be tough to 'want' to return to.

But this place is gorgeous! And quiet. Tons of wildlife and streams and wide open skies. That is how I see it, at least. Obviously his mileage varies. He wants trees, and grass. Those things are at a premium in the high desert.

As far as the 'worth it' - this is as disturbing as it sounds. He has said he does not get as much out of the relationship as I do, that he doesn't particularly want to be in a relationship at all.
He wants to be utterly free, to not have to compromise or run anything by anyone ever. We've talked about the "captain" thing, and we decided it;s really more like "dictator" that he is. He says he does not like to share and can't play well with others.

But on the other hand, he gives me as much leeway to do whatever in life I feel like doing. I could take off tomorrow for Mars and he'd kiss me bye and say have fun, see you later.

I talk to him about how marriage isn't an island of one, but in truth he agrees he just wants to be his own island.

All I can think of to do is learn how to accept this, or leave him. He'd be fine with either choice, but doesn't like me being in-between.


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Jilly


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#394577 - 01/27/10 10:04 PM Re: Stress reduction - do you use a humidifyer? [Re: jilly]
Lisa Shea Online   content

Silver Star Soulmate

Registered: 10/20/04
Posts: 5987
Loc: US
I agree completely that I would find it hard to see Sedona in any way as a "hostile to me" place. But again, we cannot change him so if he honestly says he feels that way, we have to take that.

There seem to be several main options here.

* Stay with him, follow him. Become an army wife, travel around with him, always on the go, to places he finds to be attractive. This would seem to be most places in the US except the southwest? A portion will have hiking. A portion will be flat. What you should do in this case is get a large map and have both of you mark out the places you DO want to go. See where they intersect.

* Stay with him, but don't follow him. Again, make the map. See what your most ideal location would be that still falls within his range. You might come up with somewhere you really love that still is OK with him. You set up base there. he roams around and comes back to you as a home base. You get stability, and visits, as well as periods of solitude. He gets to explore.

* Do not stay with him. You can set up your home base wherever is the ultimate most ideal for you, build a community, and go from there.
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