Hello Chan
Welcome to the forum ; I am sorry to hear this sad story.
I am guessing that your tale is not particularly unusual.
I don't know how old you are, or what relationships either of you have had in the past, but, though I usually dislike generalisations, there are some that can be made here.
Young men are programmed to find young women attractive; they are programmed to find someone who will provide them with babies.
The thing is, most young men don't seem to realise this; all they know is that they are programmed to find young women attractive and to want to have sex with them.
Some don't want to be 'tied down' by a girl, but others are perfectly happy to be part of a couple, where they feel loved, adored, petted and fussed over, and where they can have fun doing whatever they wish: dancing, playing games; sports, holidays, going to the theatre, or cinema, or restaurants, flirting, having sex, etc, etc.
Some really want to be fathers, but many never feel ready, and they only agree to have babies, because their partner's maternal instincts set in. Luckily most love their kids and develop a paternal instinct. Some don't ~ or don't until they are older.
When the partner becomes pregnant, things change; ~ less fun, fewer outings, little sex.
When baby comes along, things change even more; no sex, little money, not much sleep; a hungry crying little bundle, who seems to take up all its mother's energy & love, very little fun.
If there are two babies, it's not twice as difficult, it's probably four times as difficult.
Everyone is exhausted.
If mother has post-natal depression, it's even worse.
If there is a problem with the baby, it's even worse.
One way or another mothers usually cope ~ natural instinct ~ but men don't have such a strong natural instinct to cope with it all ~ especially if they are young.
They have done what nature intended ~ procreated.
Now, unless they develop very strong bonds with mother and child(ren), they can go and find another child-bearing woman, for sex without responsibility. They don't realise this, because it's programmed into their cells and is not part of their conscious knowledge.
Your man may not have felt 'tied down' while he was getting love, affection & fuss; when he and you were free to do whatever you wished to have fun doing ~ but now that he is not the centre of your world, but has been replaced by two little children, things are no longer as appealing to him ~ especially if sex is limited, because of the demands of two toddlers.
It isn't fair, of course, they are his children, too, but maybe he is immature, or confused, or just very young???
He has left you for another woman, even though he claims that he wants to be with you ~ but if he wanted to be with you, he could have stayed. Did you ask him to go? Was he forced to leave?
He says that he cannot leave her.
Well, leaving her would be rough on her, too, but, presumably she knows that he is the father of young children. She shouldn't try to stop him seeing them. Why didn't he say that he couldn't leave you? You needed him. His children needed him. Maybe it was more 'need' than he could deal with, though!
He states that it is complicated & that you wouldnt understand and that he is unhappy.
I can actually believe this. He may feel totally overwhelmed by everything. Fatherhood may have left him reeling. His response to you, as a mother, may not be as he expected. He may feel confused as to why he is jealous of his own infant children. He may feel that ne cannot cope with the responsibility. He may not want you to know how he feels about all this ~ or may not be able to put it into words.
He never telephones to check on you or his children.
This isn't right or fair. Those children are entitled to a father, regardless of how things work out between the two of you.
He says she will not let him have a cell phone or talk to you.
My kids used to use the lack of phone for not letting me know where they were. It's a common excuse, used by kids with their Mums, when they can't be bothered to get in touch, or don't want to, or forget to, or it's too much hassle. He can have access to a phone, if he wants it.
I accept, though, that she has probably told him not to contact you, because she sees you and your children as competition. I can understand her fears, but you do have matters to discuss.
How can you get him back?
Difficult.
You can't make him want to be in a relationship with you.
You don't really know how much he cares for this other woman.
He says that he wants to be with you & that he is not happy, but that might just be to make himself feel better, when talking to you about her.
I do think that you need to have a relationship of some sort with him, though, if only for the benefit of the children.
Does he pay you money for them?
Have you spoken to a solicitor about their needs and your rights?
If you are going to make this work as a couple, and as parents, then I would recommend family counselling.
But now that he appears to have a new partner, this could be complicated, and you may only be able to hope for your children's rights and not a 'romantic' relationship.
On the other hand, if he says that he wants to be with you, maybe he just needs time to sort out his feelings.
Only time will tell, but I think that there need to be open lines of communication between you.
How long is it since you broke up?
How old are both of you?
How old are the children?
Are they old enough to ask for their Daddy?
Do you live somewhere, where you are entitled to child support from him?
Good luck!
