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#374222 - 07/05/09 07:06 PM marriage yet?  
Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 1
Beutifuldisaster Offline
New Member
Beutifuldisaster  Offline
New Member

Joined: Jul 2009
Posts: 1
okay so this may sound crazy to alot of you who read this. And i'm new by the way so HI. lol. Okay so here it goes. Me and the boyfriend have been together for a year (june 9th). We just had our first baby together april 2nd. I had already had a child before me and him. Anyway, I want to get married. i think it's a big deal ya know. he says he doesn't plan to leave me and i don't plan to leave him. But he says he's not ready for that. So how do i make him ready? how can i be wife materal? okay i don't really cook, because i can't. I can cook stuff in boxes thats about it. i take care of the kids, go to work at night, so also we hardly see each other now. When he gets home, i go to work. We don't do anything really but sit at home and play on our computers.Our sex life is okay, but he wants to spice things up by involving other couples.I'm not okay with that just yet.I seriously thought it was me at first, but then i can see it as spicing things up. He said he was okay with it if i didn't want to or if i did. I am a jealous person and codependent and insecure.I am always Comparing myself to other females and i get jealous because what if he finds someone better than me?So how can i get him ready for marriage? Or how can i get him to the point of wanting to marry me? He knows all of this. He knows how i feel. Just says he's not ready. So anyone please tell me this stuff if you would.Thanks so much for listening.

#374225 - 07/05/09 07:22 PM Re: marriage yet? [Re: Beutifuldisaster]  
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 1,720
Niki Offline
Best Friend
Niki  Offline
Best Friend

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 1,720
New York
First of all, welcome to the forums! Whether you stay or not, I hope your time here gives you what you were looking for.

Did you ask him why he doesn't feel ready for marriage? Try asking him what his qualifications for marriage are, you might get an answer!

From my experience, I told my now husband right off the bat that I was not waiting as long as he wanted to (5-7 years? Please...) to get married. I wasn't that kind of girl, I wanted commitment way before then. I gave him 3, well I got 4, good enough. His thing was stability, he wanted to have a job and money. A huge guy thing that never really ever happens until their at career age, and we aren't.


From my experience, a woman can influence a man to get married sooner, and can't. There are ways to influence him that aren't nice that sometimes work.. but I think the best way to do this is to find out why he doesn't feel he's ready. You can guess (oh I don't cook good enough, we don't have enough money, etc etc) but you can't know and can't help if you don't know.

#374235 - 07/05/09 11:18 PM Re: marriage yet? [Re: Niki]  
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 22,697
PDM Offline
PDM  Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 22,697
Hello Beutifuldisaster ~ welcome to the forum. smile

I get the impression that men are generally less ready to settle down than women are, when it comes to marriage. I know that this is a generalisation, & I don't usually find these helpful, but I do get this impression.

In your case, though, you already have the commitment of a shared child - plus your child from a previous relationship. I notice, though, that you had only been together a matter of a few weeks when the baby was conceived. How did your boyfriend take this?

Could it be that, for now, he is happy with you, but that he is not yet sure that he sees you together for the rest of your lives? This could be the case, especially if he is quite young. I have seen this sort of thing happen before ~ even when the couple was married. The young man simply could not cope with all that marriage & fatherhood threw at him.

I really doubt that it has anything to do with your cooking ability. I can't cook and I have been with my husband for 34 years!!

The fact that you don't see much of each other is not great. Do you try to go on 'dates' ~ just the two of you ~ from time to time? Do you have a reliable babysitter?

'Our sex life is okay, but he wants to spice things up by involving other couples. I'm not okay with that just yet. I seriously thought it was me at first, but then i can see it as spicing things up.'

Oh, yes, that certainly sounds very spicy!
But I wonder why.
You have only been together a year & you have recently given birth ~ and he wants an orgy!!??
I think that you need to be very clear about how you feel about this, and about why he wants it. It just does not sound like the sort of thing a new father and devoted partner would suggest.

I really don't think that you can 'get him ready for marriage'. Most men who are reluctant worry about commitment, responsibility and having children. He says that he doesn't plan to leave you, so why not marry you ~ he already has the commitment and responsibility ~ or does he?

Does he think that it would be easier to get out, if he is not married, should he feel unable to cope.

If he is committed to your relationship, why does he want to involve other people in your personal and private love life?

I know that some people do this, but you say that it is not what you want ~ and, personally, I cannot see how a new father could suggest this to the mother of his recently-born child?

You say that you are insecure; did this make you feel more so? Or not?
Were you angry, or upset, when he said this?

There are some questions you might need to answer.
Are you certain that he loves you & the kids enough to stay with you for ever?
Why does he want to involve other people in your love life?
(It must bother you for you to mention it.)
Many couples live together, seeing no need for 'a piece of paper'. Does this apply to him, perhaps?
How old are you both, by the way?

"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
#374236 - 07/06/09 12:23 AM Re: marriage yet? [Re: PDM]  

luv my bird

PDM, I gotta hand it to you, you were quite the lady in responding to this post. I admire you diplomacy. I couldn't be so diplomatic and I will leave it at that.
This post is bothersome on so many levels, that I can't respond without making people angry, including the poster.
I would come off as being too judgemental if I answered her, so I won't.

Last edited by luv my bird; 07/06/09 12:25 AM.

Moderated by  Lisa Shea 

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