RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Non-Romance Relationships: Friends Relatives Etc. How do I

Hey everyone! First of all I'm new to the forum.

What I would like to know is how to rebuild friendship. Because there is this girl I've know since sept 2007, and I've always liked her. You will see on the "Does He / She Like Me" personal love advice about some of the signs I've been getting. I've always felt very close to her and there was some form of connection between us. Even her ex bf thought there was something between us with the looks he use to give me. When she was with him and when she was single she use to be really chatty to everyone me and other lads, but since she started seeing this lad she has started to change from once a chatty, friendly girl to someone that will just chat to other girls, It's like shes scared to chat to other people and she would end the converstation. When ever I ask if she wants to hang out she would say I'll have to ask ( bfs name ) or I'll talk to ( bfs name ). I just don't know what to do because I miss her friendship dearly I use to really enjoy chatting to her now. Do you think she would go back to her old self once shes split with her bf? Soz about it being so long.

Cheers

Welcome to the forum:

If what you are really wanting to do is be friends - then you could ask her and her boyfriend to double date with you and someone. Or you could have a social get together and invite some other friends and this girl and her boyfriend.

It sounds like she if trying to please her new boyfriend by not giving the appearance of being interested in someone else.

Cheers

Yeah, I would like to be good friends with her like we were a while back and maybe more. At work we are arranging to go bowling sometime soon, so I'm gonna invite her and she can bring her bf if she wants, and the the place is pretty much up the road from her.

Do you think she could be trying to please him? She also has to tell him where shes goin even when they are at college and shes just going up stairs.

is it "where ya goin" rather that "don't go anyplace without telling me"

My husband and I do that a lot - he will get up and start out of the room and will ask him where is he going. Don't know why because I know he is not going far.

Hi Rich & welcome

I agree with BLR.

The new boyfriend may be a bit controlling, or it may just be that they want to please each other and know where the other one is all the time because of closeness and the intensity of a new relationship.

You said something very telling: 'I would like to be good friends with her like we were a while back and maybe more.'

I'm guessing that the girl knows about the 'and maybe more' bit.
Her boyfriend might have noticed, too.

You see, you are saying that you want friendship ~ but 'maybe' you actually want 'more' than friendship.
And maybe, as she now has a boyfriend, she is wary of this.

She may be trying to let you down gently by constantly referring to her boyfriend ~ so that you get the message that she is now taken.

You can certainly ask her, or them, to join in group activities, but don't be surprised, or upset, if she declines, or if she arrives, but appears to be very close to the other boy.

Take care

I'm not 100% sure he is controlling but its the stuff she says like having to ask his permission, and her dropping her male friends. Well really how different she seems, now shes with him.

Yea she did or still does know I'm interested in her. I do believe the feeling was mutual when she did have her ex and when she was single.

But failing that I would like to become good friends again. Its just I don't know where to start anymore, because if and when she does split. I would like to be able to be there for her and hang around with her or even take her to the cinema or what ever.

Soz I'm not making any sence with this

Rich, You cannot just wait for her to split from him, pretending that you are willing to accept just friendship.

She knows how you feel.
She has a boyfriend.
She has made her choice.

Maybe, somewhere down the line, you will have a relationship with her again ~ it could be friendship or it could be romance. For now, though, she has a boyfriend, and you have to accept that she will spend a lot of time with him.

If you want to be friends, then just be friendly. Smile. Say hello. But do not expect anything more.

Before I met my husband, I was friendly with one of the local lads. I spent quite a lot of time with him. We went to the youth club together, went for walks, etc, etc. My female friends didn't really like him hanging around, but I got on well with him. He asked me out several times ~ so I know how he felt ~ but I was only willing to be friends & he knew that.

When I started going out with the boyfriend-who-became-my-husband he wondered if there might have been something more between me and this boy, but there never was and there never would be.

I still regarded him as a friend and was friendly when I bumped into him. I wouldn't have gone to the cinema with him ~ not while I was dating someone else.

You might be in a similar position to him, here.
Don't give up hope ~ but don't just wait for them to split up.

Go out and enjoy yourself with your other friends ~ or find a new hobby and make new friends.

Good luck

Yeah, thats tru. I'm not gonna give up hope, and i'm not gonna really wait for them to split.

I do wanna be friends with her, like how it use to be. But i guess for that she will have to split with him. Shes so different while shes with him, like at college she wouldn't always be looking happy, and she would be really different when hes not around. I've just got feeling about him.

Well, he may not be right for her.
If he's not, then hopefully she will find out sooner rather than later.
In that case, she may well need a good friend like you.

Yea, thats true. Its best to let her find out rather than me or who ever telling her.

I'm gonna go in to college and see her once a week or once a fornight or something like that.

Is she happy with that arrangement?

I'm not sure, I haven't spoken to her about it. It's the only way I wont lose contact with her. Because now she doesn't bother with msn any more or her myspace as much and texting.

In view of what you have said here, I'm wondering how well it will go down if you just take it upon yourself to be a regular visitor when she is at college.

Would you be there otherwise, or would it solely be for the purpose of seeing her?

If she is not communicating with you, then that is her choice, and you cannot force her to do so ~ just turning up at her college might be very awkward ~ for both of you.

You know her, and the situation, better than I do, so you may be able to judge it better, yourself ~ but just think about it.

Good luck!

She would be really happy to see me because we dont really see each other at all. But i doubt he would be, he seemed to not like me talking to her.

Yea, it would be just to see her.

Yea, that the problem now its all one sided. I can see what you mean by it might be awkward for us.

True, thats why I know somethings wrong. I don't know what to do I just feel I'm losing her friendship.

Is he at the college too?

I suppose, if you popped in to see her once, you would be able to judge, then, whether you would be welcome again.

If you think that she would be pleased to see you, then go for it.

Yea, hes there to.

When I went in before xmas, she did seem happy to see me, smiling and laughing. I even gave her two hugs, which she were happy about.

I also said about phoning her sometime and arranging to meet up sometime, which she was fine about.

I wanna get into the habbit of seeing her, rather than the odd texts here and there

See how it goes, then:)

I mite just turn up. I wanna try and become better mates with her again. We have spent so much time apart, I've know idea how to become close to her again.

Would taking a valentines card up, be bad?

I don't know what to say to that.
How would it go down?
Valentines cards are supposed to be from mystery admirers, aren't they??

What do you mean by "How would it go down"?

Maybe, start hanging around with her around college would help.

Yea, thats true. I got her one last year. Well it was one sent throught her email, which she did like.

I suppose I mean how would she take it, now that she has a boyfriend ~ and how might he take it?
Also, is it likely to make her more wary of your friendship and therefore more likely to keep her distance from you?

Hanging around with her around college, if you are not a student there, might have the same effect.
Popping in to see her might be ok, but, if she is happy with her boyfriend, visiting regularly might not have the effect that you are hoping for.

On the other hand, if she likes you, and discovers that her boyfriend isn't all she had hoped he would be, then she might like to have you there to turn to.

You are going to have to read the situation very carefully, so that you are there for her as a friend, without being too intrusive regarding her relationship with her boyfriend.

She was fine about me giving her a valentines card. I don't think he knows about it.

I went up last friday to give her a card, and I also gave her a couple of hugs a kiss on the cheek. I said about coming up once or twice a month and she was fine with that.

I'm very pleased for you, that you are able to keep your friendship going

Cheers, me to. I just want to become closer again.

Good luck

cheers But I'm not sure what to do next, tho.