RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Breaking Up Broken up after 2 1/2 years

Hi everyone,

First of I'm new to these forums but I hope I can get some advice form some of you. I'm compleately heart broken, my girlfriend decided after two and a half years of dating that she wants a break (she said that then, but now she says we're broken up).

Her reasoning was that I'm to jealous and "controlling", and yeah I agree with her. However I think she might be taking things out of proportions and making it a bigger deal than it is. Thats how I feel.

over the past year we've had some fights, we never used to, but my jealousy really began when I read some of her text messages while she was sleeping one night. Yes I know, bad on my part, but her phone kept buzzing so I was going to tell whoever it was that she was sleeping. I saw the texts and woke her up, I was angry, scared, I just didn't know what to think, the texts this guy was sending her were inappropriate. And at that time she thought I would break up with her, but I loved her to much to do that and forgave her and the incident (or so I thought). This always made me anxious as to who she was texting. I guess one thing we should have done was talk about it. Some 8 or 9 months later we had a some troubles again. This time was almost the same thing... except she kind of started falling for the guy while still being in love with me. She said that she had started to feel like i was going to take her no where in life and this other guy had his mind and life on the right track. Things got a little out of hand and I "took" her cell phone away. I never intended it to be a permenant thing but she took it that way, I only really wanted to not think about that phone for the day so that we could work things out without it coming up. But she just couldn't let it go and almost broke up with me then. I realize I was wrong and only did that out of anger, but it made me feel less important in her eyes when all she could do was think about that damn phone... We resolved our issue and talked things through... sort of. I opened my heart up and confided many things about my past and my feelings towards my family, which at the time (and still now) I don't feel close enough to. She told me that she firlts with other guys (wether or not shes with someone) to get attention and she always has. Things worked themselves out for a few months after, until the more recent weeks.

We had planned to move in together (into her parents house for the time being) but one day she all of a sudden got upset and told me that she didn't think it was going to be a good idea because she thought that I would be there controlling her, looking at her personal things, messages, and invade her personal space. I reassured her that I wasn't going to do anything like that, I had learned my leason from the previous major fight, and I never wanted to look into her private things again. She finally calmed down and began thinking it would be alright. However, I don't think she fully believed it.

During this time she told me she began talking a lot to this new guy friend of hers, to which I said "thats fine" which I really meant. I didn't want the jealous side of me to come out again. Also at this time (and this is where the really stupid part begins) she had borrowed a jacket from a co worker, to which she told it was a girl co worker. It was at least a little over a week that she had this jacket, and one day I jokingly asked if she was ever going to give it back to the person. I then asked who's it was again cause I forgot, to which she finally told me it was this guy friend she's been talking a lot with lately. I didn't know what to do... I became quiet and non talketive, and she tried to make it seem like nothing was wrong at all by telling me she had a good sleep the night before cause I was there with her, or holding my arm while we were at the grocery store and all the while I acted like an ass. I felt so bad afterwards because she was showing me feelings that she usually would. She finally asked me what was wrong and why I was acting so weird and I came out and told her that she lied about the jacket and I didn't like it. She got angry about it and we talked about it and she told me she knew I would get mad about her having the jacket if she had said it was this guy friends jacket. I told her I wouldn't have like it but I wouldn't have gotten mad if she told me the truth in the first place. This is when the trouble majorly began. I told her how stupid it was for me to get mad over a jacket and that I just wanted her to maybe want my jacket insted, and all I wanted her to do was be honest with me. But she just kept saying that she knows I would have gotten mad and that I'm way too jealous. I realized that I have a problem and began looking up things on the internet about over coming jealousy to show her that I could change for the both of us. I had decided to show her that I could express my feelings as well so I decided to write her a letter saying how I felt about certain things that she does, Like the texting and so on. I think she took it the wrong way as she started telling me that she was going to give the jacket back and not talk to other guys, and text or call me whenever she was away. I told her thats not what I was trying to say in the letter because I knew that she finds me controlling, and I was not trying to control her. I told her this but she kept thinking that if I were to move in at this point she would be stuck with my jealous ways and would not be able to get out of it. I tried to comfort her again and it seemed to be working but the next day she seemed angry again. I just didn't know what to do or say anymore. I tried my best and it was just not good enough. I went to see her later in the day and thats when she said that she couldn't take it anymore, and it was making her sick ( I guess maybe I should have mentioned that she has anxiety so the stress from this seemed to make her anxiety worse) and she wanted a break from it and didn't want us to be together. I'm not going to lie, I cried worse than I ever did as a kid... all night. I've been depressed for the past few days and I've even started to go to counceling to get my jealousy under control because she said that we cant be together until we're both better. I've been texting her since the break up trying to talk about what happened and showing her that I am seeking help so that she knows that I'm telling the truth. I just don't know wheather its making a difference or not. Theres moments when she seems to know we can work things through but then she gets to thinking that I will never change in the way that I need to. I don't know wether its good to be talking to her, but i just cant not talk to her. I just want her back but I don't know how to get her to realize that shes the best thing thats ever happened to me and I'm the best thing thats happened to her without her thinking that I'm going to hurt her again. I just don't know what to do.... and I'm sorry for the ong read but I just want to talk to someone other than a therapist or family memebrs or friends.

been there many times and it never gets any easier.

The thing is that, it seems like there could be hope for things to work out, but I'm just so stressed at trying to get her to work with me. Should I give more space or should I keep trying?

How old are you guys? I think that makes a difference in that things in life are so much different at say 18-20 than say 30-40. Sorry I don't know what to say..breaking up is really hard, it like a stab in the heart if you really care about the other person.Time will help ease the heartache,maybe you do need a break from each other to get your heads straight. And it may be a cliche but I think it's true- If you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it's yours, if it doesn't it never was. What you wrote about reminded me of this song. I think it was written with your situation in mind, ever hear Hold on Loosely by 38 Special?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rsSUMNCkLek
Good luck with whatever you two decide. Life is just so damn tough some times Hang in there

I think you're quite correct to get counseling for your feelings regarding your place within your family, and for your jealousy.

Jealousy can be quite inappropriate, as it is always a person's choice to be in a relationship - no matter how long it has gone on.

Yet, in this relationship, I really have no expectation that you can recover your closeness - if, indeed, you ever had a real, healthy relationship. Sounds like it was codependent and doomed, from the start - to me.

You have issues, but so does she. She, like all of us, wants attention and love, and without someone treating her like a prisoner.

You want to have someone love you uncritically and unconditionally and be there for you, and you want to be able to trust them. But since you find that hard to do, you have to check up on that person, and try to change that person.

I advise you to continue your counseling; continue growing as a person; and move on with your life. Join some group activities, and learn to interact with people.

In a couple of years, maybe you will be more ready to hold up your end of an open, trusting relationship.

Thanks for the replys guys, were both in our early twenties if that makes things easier to diagnose. I'm just... so depressed about this situation. To Carl... we did have a completely healthy relationship for the most part, even during the times in between the major fights. We never fought about anything, literaly. We talked about marriage constantly, and living together before hand. I know that I should give her space to think things through, but its just so hard right now.... I'm just so attached to her. Not in the clingy way (at least I don't think) but I just love her beyond belief. This is my first true love and I don't want things to end like this.

Sometimes one can be in love with being in love - if that makes any sense. You don't feel close in your own family, and that bothers you. You want to feel close in your relationship, and you don't really want to make waves.

You literally avoid fights. You try to be supportive. You talk about marriage.

And then you have major fights. Afterwards, you see that you were as much to blame as she was.

I realize you think it was a healthy relationship (for the most part). And that is the problem. From the outside looking in, it does appear to be a "clingy" kind of love that you have.

I still think your best course is to let her go her own way - love her enough to let her go and be free. And work on loving yourself.

And if it helps you, don't think of it as an ending. Think of it as a beginning - a chapter where you work on you.

Who knows? You may see her again later. I'd think that has more chance of success, however, if the ties are completely cut for now.

What right do I have to offer this advice? None. I am not a psychiatrist, psychologist, or certified in counseling.

But I have had relationships that were codependent. And I learned to live for me. And then, I met my soul mate.

Well I'll try, and thanks for the advice... Its just so hard to think that it could never be again....

I know it's hard. After a 21-year marriage, and many mistakes on my part, my wife suggested that I fly from CA back to where my birth family lived in FL, for a separation for a while.

After I arrived, I called to ask her to (1)please delay thinking of a divorce; (2) consider us meeting somewhere neutral to give me a chance to "win" her again; and to (3) ask her if there was "someone" else. She said, "There is now."

It was my supposed "best friend," who had moved into her bedroom immediately.

I can't begin to tell you the pain I felt - especially with the 3-4 hour time difference, as I lay there at night trying to sleep, and imagining him with her!

And I called, and I wrote letters, and I prayed.

I prayed that God would restore my marriage, and that he would help me to learn to love and be loved. The first prayer was answered that there was something better, and that came about after I learned some more about the second part.

I can really agree with Garth Brooks' song, "Unanswered Prayer."

Yes, it's hard, and yes, you hurt. And I do care, even though I've talked hard.

Good luck to you! And you CAN improve your luck.

Hi marioman
I'm going to respond before reading the other answers.

First, though, welcome to the forum ~ I hope that you will find it helpful

I've noticed that there are a number of threads, where a male is upset because his girlfriend has had enough of him being jealous & controlling.

And I do know men who really are that way. They control the way their partners dress, where they go, who they go with, etc. They are jealous with absolutely no reason, because their partners don't do anything to warrant the jealousy.

And there are those who trust their partners to talk to anyone & go anywhere, because they are sure that they can trust their partners.

Then there are the men in the middle. They would trust their partners, if they felt that the partners could be trusted ~ but there are reasons why they doubt. Once the doubt has set in, anything can cause jealousy to rear its head.

Yes, girls and men flirt. It doesn't have to mean anything. But sometimes it does.

When the inappropriate texts were arriving, was she responding to them? Was she friendly with the man? Or did she make it clear that he and his texts were unwelcome? Was this the same chap that she started falling for later?

She is now friendly with another man and you are not sure how innocent it is ~ or whether she will fall for him. She has borrowed his jacket, which may be innocent enough, but why did she lie about it? What made her think that you would be angry about it?
Because you were angry when she started receiving inappropriate texts and falling for another man?

I have said this to the other young men in your position who have posted on here. Jealousy is a destructive emotion, which will harm any relationship, but if girls don't want their men to become jealous, then they shouldn't do things to make their men jealous.

If my husband kept receiving inappropriate texts from a girl, but did nothing to stop them, and then it happened again, some months later, and he said that he was falling for the girl, and then, a bit later, he become very friendly with another girl, and brought her coat home, and then became angry, if I said anything about it, accusing me of jealousy and controlling behaviour, then I would consider that our relationship had serious problems.
Of course I would feel jealous, confused and upset in such a situation. Who wouldn't?

In this situation, a couple would have to consider whether both parties really still loved each other.
They would have to look into the question of why one of the partners is seeking the company of others.

Your jealousy may be understandable, but why do you think your girl needs the company of other men so much? (Does she have female friends, too?)

Why does she need to flirt with them, be especially friendly with them, receive inappropriate texts from them, borrow their clothes, start falling for them?

I think that it is perfectly possible for girls & boys to be friendly, but in this case something is wrong. Neither of you is happy with the situation.

You do not seem to be providing her with the companionship that she craves. Whether this is to do with your personality, or hers, I cannot say. Maybe you are simply incompatible.

She is making you doubt her loyalty, to you and the relationship. Neither of you is happy about this, either.

Counselling is good, but, if the relationship is to succeeed, I think that you may both need to see the counsellor. I wish you luck with this

Maybe it won't succeed. Maybe this is for the best, if it is making both of you unhappy. If this is the case, remember, as with any grief, time helps to heal and, long-term, you will be happier with someone who is your soul-mate, rather than someone with whom a relationship cannot work.

You don't say how old you are, but sometimes one's age can affect things. People change.
Edit: I read your later post and see that you are in your ealy 20s. It's at this age that people can change quite a bit I think.
Good luck & take care